Mind: Thoughts on my Mind

We say we listen, but do we??

Khalidah — Sun, 23 Jul 2006 22:26:00 GMT

We keep hearing companies repeating that one of their strengths is that they listen to their clients, but do they really hear what they are telling them? Do they care that sometimes what the client wants to buy is not exactly what they want to sell?

In all the management books I read; it is mentioned that to be a good leader you have to listen with empathy. I remember that during one of the courses that I have taken a couple of years ago, the instructor was this elderly guru who has developed many companies and helped others make it; he told us that God has given us two ears and one mouth because it is wiser to listen more than we talk; that’s called wisdom.

In sales courses I have learned that selling is not about talking and good salespeople are not those who talk a lot; great salespeople are those who listen to their clients and eventually give them what they need.

It is unfortunate that when people are listening to you, they are actually not listening to understand; they are listening to respond and that means they are thinking of their next response and not comprehending what you are saying; that’s why we get engaged in conversations that are unsatisfying and more often than not, they end with no result at all.

Have you ever thought about this? Could it be that people fail in negotiations because they fail to listen? Could it be that we keep losing clients because we don’t really listen to their needs? Are we obsessed with what we sell that we completely ignore what people are actually looking to buy?

These are all valid scenarios and maybe we are subconsciously screwing up our opportunities because we suck at this simple skill; listening. We believe that our way is ultimately the right way and no matter how others try to describe their way of thinking, they will never e able to convince us, because like us, they don’t listen.

Companies wonder why they are losing clients, managers are always shocked that they are losing employees because they think that they are the best managers and they give their employees everything they ask for, but do they really? How could that be the case if they are not even prepared to listen to their internal customers? When will they see that it is not “my way or the high way” any more; talents are very hard to find and it is even harder to retain them especially with the severe brain drain that our country is suffering from.

Why don’t we at least try to understand the other point of view? Why should there be a dominant opinion over others? Who said everyone must see the world from the same angle? When will we start listening to what others are trying to say?

If we think deeper, we will find that when spouses have problems, it is because they don’t listen to each other, and it is like a conflict where there should be a winner and a loser; if you ever read John Gray’s “Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus” you would understand what I a talking about here. Same applies between parents and children, professors (teachers) and students, managers and employees, leaders and followers, even between friends. The everlasting struggles that keep us thinking without any result, it causes fights and hot debates, when will people understand that it does not necessarily mean that I am against you if I don’t agree with what you believe in? could this happen one day???

Broken Promises!!

Khalidah — Mon, 17 Jul 2006 15:20:00 GMT

Last week was awful; it was filled with disappointments and shocks from people I really thought highly of. It was a slow miserable week and it seemed that it was not going to ever end and I thought to myself: it will be over sooner or later so keep up girl!

I did not imagine that there could be something worse than last week, but this week is proving me wrong so far; maybe this whole month sucks or maybe my stars are just messed up and turning my days into a living hell.

Anyway; I think that one of the worst things that can ever happen to you is when someone you trust breaks a promise he made to you. As we get to know new people in our life, we grow to trust some of them, be it on a personal level or a business level; trust has proven to be one of the most important ingredients in communication recipe between individuals. In fact; I consider it to be the most important one.

Think about it; where would we be without trust? How would we live comfortably if we had to doubt everything and everyone around us? How would it be feasible for us to go on in life if we did not have people we can count on? If we think that our families and friends could double cross us any time, how would we deal with them? How can we move forward if we are paranoid of being stabbed in the back?

Trust is like an unwritten agreement between people; you don’t have to have a contract with everyone to be able to trust them, actually; I believe that if you do need such a piece of paper to reassure you, then this is the biggest proof that you do not trust these individuals and that’s why you needed what they promised you in writing so that you can hold them to it, you are expecting their double cross and you want to be prepared.

When you do trust someone; his word is enough and more binding than a thousand useless pieces of paper. They used to say that a man is bound by the words he says and they are considered commitments that he cannot and will not turn his back on. Men used words for business deals and the commitment was always: "I give you my word."

Of course when someone breaks up the promise; there is nothing you can do about it but it does not feel good, in fact it feels lousy and tastes like crap.

There are so many people out there who promise you so many things and give you their word for it, but they seldom come through, and when they do break their promises; their justification is that the agreement they had with you and have been going by for sometime now is not working for them any more and that’s why they are changing the rules of the game. You don’t like that? Well, tough luck dude; they call the shots and if you don’t accept it, the agreement is already broken and you are as worthless as the promise they gave you.

Sometimes I think to myself that most of the things that happen in my life should not happen in the first place and I wonder if it is my fault that they do happen; maybe I should stop being too nice as my ex-boss once told me; he said that my main problem in life is that I was too nice and that I should take courses on how to be tough with people. I really wonder if he was right all along.

Broken promises are in fact grounds for major break ups in relationships and arrangements, but it seems that honor is something of the past and one should not count on others' sense of decency and consideration. Such people are teaching us selfishness in its ugliest shapes and we all know that it is foolish and dumb to expect something to come out of selfish people because they only serve themselves and their own best interests regardless of how this might affect others.

My Best Friend!

Khalidah — Sun, 16 Jul 2006 13:03:00 GMT

Last night, I had a call from one of my best friends, in fact; she is my best friend and we go back a very long time. Not only she is my cousin, but she is my childhood companion and the only one I could and still can talk to without having to be careful about what comes out of my mouth.

No matter how long we stay away from each other and no matter how far our meetings are; when we do meet, it is like we have been together only yesterday. There would be no place for making each other feel bad because we don’t see each other that often like before; it is about making use of the current time and enjoying the moment while it lasts.

Once I read that your best friend is the one that you sit with for hours saying nothing and then walking away feeling that you just had the best conversation in your life. This is exactly how I feel about her; sure we had our ups and downs and we had our conflicts and fights but the only thing that these incidents left in our minds is the memory of how we made up each and every time and how we got back stronger than before.

Many people tried to come between us and break us apart but they could not; they used to build wedges by gossiping and making up stories to drift us away from each other but we always found our way back, and that is to each other.

She called me last night because she had read my last article "Disappointment" and she was stuck with one idea; could I be talking about my relationship with her? Could it be that I feel that we don’t see each other that often because I believe that she does not need me anymore and that’s why she is not in touch? My article brought many questions to her mind, but she did not keep those questions to herself and start to pile assumptions and realizations on them; instead; she made use of our transparent relationship and called me to talk about it.

I would like to thank her deeply for doing so because I realize now that many people from those who read the article might have gotten out with the same result, but the casualty of our relationships did not urge them to come to me directly and clarify the whole thing and that is why I am writing these lines.

Sometimes you go through an incident that makes you want to talk and shout your frustration to the whole world; blogs have made that easier for us because they are one of the venting methods one can use to release some of the frustration and bitterness. However; when you blog with your own identity and your blog is somewhat popular and read by most; it makes it very difficult to blog about certain things and makes it even impossible to explicitly talk about certain issues, so what is one to do in this case?

The only way out is to make the topic as general as possible to get the idea out there without making any hints to the individuals who triggered the whole thing, and you hope that they will get the idea without you having to put the word out there for everyone to see.

Some of you might wonder; if you are brave enough to post with your real identity, what are the issues that you cannot or will not talk about? And why would you even care?

I will tell you why.

We are parts of bigger groups or entities or communities … etc. and when you are recognized as part of such backgrounds, you are obliged to maintain their images in front of the public and you cannot defame them on your blog or anyone else's. Without clarifying further; sometimes you are forced to use metaphors or general ideas to get your conviction out there and it is up to readers to get the idea or brush it off.

To my best friend who has made up my day yesterday and brought tears to my eyes when she said that we will always be best friends, to her; you are my soul mate and you are the only one in the world that I can turn to and pour my heart out without any fears of being judged. You keep my secret and you share my happiness and sorrow; I will always be there for you no matter where I was.

I love you!

Disappointment!!

Khalidah — Wed, 12 Jul 2006 13:09:00 GMT

They say: if you don’t want to feel disappointed, don’t raise your hopes or don’t even hope at all! Don’t expect much from others and you will not be subjected to one of the worst feelings ever existed; the feeling of being let down and deep disappointment.

No matter how hard we train ourselves to expect the worst for everything and everyone around us; we cannot but build a few hopes here and there. Unfortunately; people have made it an art to not meet others' expectations or fulfill their hopes.

Human psychology is so complicated and this shows in ways that are never predicted. Sometimes; you would believe that you are a good judge of character and that you can see through people to the extent that they can never deceive you, however; some people get to surprise you after all precautions and preparations.

We tend to think highly of people we like and we tend not to believe that they would ever let us down intentionally, but the fact forces itself on us once and again that these we care about so much might not feel the same about us and to them we are just another person passing their lives for one reason or another. Therefore; when they act with no consideration whatsoever to your feelings and/or reaction, you cannot help but feel the bitterness of disappointment.

What amazes me often that many people actually weigh and evaluate things from their own point of view only, without considering other factors; they only see what's in it for them and never think of consequences.

In this modern age where the machine is taking over many a role of people, we seem to have automated our own way of thinking; we seldom consider the human factor as human, and as the machine has calculated output whenever we give certain input, so should people. So if I was to give a machine the input of A and B, according to the calculations, predictions and equations, the machine must give an output of C and D, no tolerance for mistakes here because this is the way it is supposed to work, hence no disappointment from the outcome.

When dealing with people, it is juvenile to think that if I give a person the input of A and B, the outcome must be C and D, why? Because a human being is a bundle of feelings and emotions that are run by the most complicated machine; the brain; no two people are expected to give the same result and that is why some exceed our expectations and some actually disappoint us immensely.

How many times did we convince ourselves that X would never do this to me because he is my friend only to be surprised later that X was responsible for many of our own heartaches and setbacks? How many times did we give out of love only to be received with rejection and denial from those we care the most about?

These are everyday incidents and we have all suffered from such things at any point of our lives. Some of us have even vowed to themselves never to trust anyone again and to be very careful when dealing with others, but one of our most important features as humans is that we forget, sometimes it is a blessing to forget sour things but sometimes it is not wise to forget what stings like a bee; we should always remember how much it hurt when we let our guard down so that we will not be in the same position again.

From my own experience; no matter how nice others may seem, they are nice as long as you are of benefit to them, once this benefit is over; they really don’t have a reason to be nice to you and so they won't be.

I learned that when people want something from you, they will suck up to you and show you their best; once they get what they want; adios baby!

Disappointment is the thing that happens to newlyweds when they discover that the one they married is completely different from the one they fell in love with or were engaged to.

It is what happens to you when you have worked so hard on yourself to graduate and then once you achieve that, you don’t find practical life easy enough to live. It is what you feel when you cannot find a job and when you do and think that all your problems are over; they shock you with the bad treatment you will get and how they enslave you for the few bucks they give you.

Disappointment is a part of our lives and no matter how much it drags us down; we need to get up again and fight to live the kind of life we want. We cannot allow it to break us in half just because we are not strong enough or the shock was big enough. It is one of the many things that we as humans need to deal with and maybe the best way is precaution; always manage our expectations to take the good and the bad and never trust anyone too much because only those you trust are capable of hurting you so much.

Being fat is not a choice!

Khalidah — Sun, 09 Jul 2006 10:08:00 GMT

It is a lot easier to neglect large people than to admit that they exist! How did I reach this realization you ask? Well, it is very easy; all you have to do is look around you and you will figure it out for yourself.

To clear any confusions in your minds; yes, I am talking about fat people, whether we use terms like large, overweight, obese, big … etc. this does not change the fact that we mean fat. So, let's call a spade a spade and hit the nail right on the head.

Let's look around us and see how fat people are treated in our society. More often than not, fat people are considered with no feelings or insensitive, because let's face it; if they had feelings at all, they wouldn't be fat to begin with, they would do their best to fit their bodies to fit in the community.

Let's go shopping; almost all stores in Amman don't have large or extra large sizes from their merchandize that is displayed. When you find a store once every blue moon that has such sizes; they are tailored for older ages and they are all in dark colors, therefore; fat people are left with three options:

1- Accept whatever the stores throw at you and be grateful that you ever found anything at all; it is true that you will appear a lot older than you real age to which the weight added a few years already, but who is looking? You are not normal so you might as well admit it and move on.

2- Don't accept to wear clothes that are good for your mother or grandmother and go tailor your own wardrobe. If you go downtown, you will find lots of stores that sell nice fabrics; you can choose your favorite colors and pay the stewardess a visit and make your own clothes.

3- Don’t accept that you are different and keep looking for clothes in the stores. You want stylish clothes and you don’t want to surrender to the idea that these models do not fit your body type, so you settle for clothes one or two sizes smaller and you will look uglier than ever because you did not flatter your body by doing such actions.

Being fat in our part of the world means hearing remarks as you are walking down the street, being ogled at when you are eating, getting uncalled for advice from people and being fat deprives you from your rights of leading a normal life; you will not have the chance to love and be loved because who wants to be seen next to a fat person?

Let's take a look at relationships of fat people; almost always; fat people are the clowns of the group; they are the ones who always make fun of themselves, they are the first to laugh if someone dropped a joke about them and they never show that they got upset if someone offended them; after all; fat people are not supposed to have feelings, right?

Fat people are always judged by their size and shape; the majority of people do not pay attention to their personalities; if they had a personality to begin with; they wouldn't have been fat, right? This attitude is passed from one generation to another and we see that our kids are doing the exact same things we do; they treat their overweight counterparts as insensitive and objects for mockery and sarcasm!

Fat people are prejudiced all over the world, however; when we look at the west and how they deal with the issue, it is completely different than what we see in our part of the world. Not only they are treated as human at least formally, but obesity is now officially a disease and is covered by insurance. It is the No. 1 reason of deaths in USA and medical researchers are working on obesity causes and treatments exactly like they are working on any other fatal disease.

In our part of the world, obesity is considered a choice and that is why fat people are treated so badly. The majority of the people have convictions that fat people should be more decisive and determine to lose the weight and thin people almost always throw unwanted advice to them by saying: don't eat too much and you will lose weight.

Fat people hurt from the inside and do their best not to show so that they won't get more advice from those around them. At a certain point; they might even lose all control over their urges and their binging which will make things even worse.

Obesity and overweight have so many types and are caused by a different number of reasons. It is true that the most commonly known type is the one resulting from overeating or choosing the starch and fat rich foods as preferences, however; there are some clinical reasons that cause obesity and this one is the hardest and the most painful. A slight imbalance in the body hormones can cause obesity; certain medications have overweight as one of their most common side effects and emotional disturbance plays a major role in gaining or losing weight.

So, to all people out there reading these lines; cut fat people some slack; it does not make you a better person just because you weigh a lot less and it does not make them bad because they are fat. Also, don’t ever forget that regardless of their sizes; fat people are still human and have feelings that are more fragile than yours and they are easily hurt; their lack of self confidence makes them compensate for it with sharing people's jokes and laughs about them or even starting the joke themselves. They are self conscious and try to make up to their shortcomings by showing the world that they could care less.

Trust me when I tell you these things because I experienced them first hand and I know how it feels and how it hurts to be judged and prejudiced because of your size; it is really ironic how people consciously or subconsciously subtract the weight and size of your brain and experience from your overall size and weight!

World on Fire!

Khalidah — Thu, 08 Jun 2006 10:56:00 GMT

How many times we heard or said that little things do matter and do make a big difference? How many times we saw big changes happen from small twists of faith? How many movies did Hollywood produce to prove that if you can go back in time and change a tiny detail in events, the whole future will alter and turns of events would differ?

Such concepts really fascinate me, because there is nothing absolute in this live. Nothing is 100% right as well as nothing is 100% wrong. Something might be so insignificant to you but could change someone else's life altogether. What you consider to be a big problem and a tragedy in your life might be an everyday event in another part of the world.

Look around the world and look around you, we can say that we are luckier than a large span of the whole wide world. It is true that others' misfortunes make you count your own blessings and look at your life from a different perspective.

From the blessings that I have counted in my life; I can see, hear, talk, smell and touch. I have two loving parents and a great family; blessed with a brother, four sisters and seven nieces and nephews. I have a roof over my head; I have clean clothes to wear and a nice comfortable bed to sleep on. I had the opportunity to get the best education and I did get great education. I have food on my table every day and hunger was never a part of my life. I have a car and I get to drive freely. I have a job in a great company and I enjoy the company of wonderful colleagues. I get to live in my home country, enjoy my freedom and live in dignity. My country is safe to live and is governed by laws to protect citizens. I have a great faith and I get to thank God for all these blessings and more.

Somewhere around the world; there are a lot of people living in misery, war and hunger. They don’t have a constant supply of food; they live day to day. Lots of children do not have mothers or fathers or neither; they don’t get to experience the love of the family and are deprived the opportunity to get education and live in dignity. A lot of people are in a continuous fight for their own lives and their children's. A lot of women get raped and their privacies are invaded in the cruelest way; their lives get shattered in minutes and they are killed afterwards or left scarred with so many physical and mental wounds that will never heal. Some people's biggest worry is how to provide food on the table for the next meal. A lot of people fight death, hunger, occupation, sickness … etc.

Two completely different pictures; two worlds under the same sky sharing the same air; same people here and there; they all cry when sad and smile when happy, they all worry for their kids and the future, they all sleep and wake the same, they all feel fear and pain, they all fall in love the same and most importantly; when they die they die the same as their souls leave their bodies for the last time!

All religions; all prophets taught us that the fortunate must share some of his fortune with the unlucky or less blessed. To acquire a balance in this life; we must learn how to give as much as we learn how to take. God has blessed us with so many things but what are we doing to show our gratitude for all these blessings? Is it enough to pray and say thank you God for everything that you have given me? Is this what God wants us to do? Isn't it a valid point that God has given us so much to pass the blessings to others?

Somewhere in the world; $75 can put someone in a private school for a whole year. This amount of money can be only a lunch bill for a couple or a group of people. What are we doing to give back God and show gratitude? How are we helping to make the world a better place to live in? People die around the world as we indulge in big parties and pour so much in empty celebrations. While we worry what toys to get our kids in their birthdays; other kids do not get a warm loving hug because they don’t have parents; they only think of a loving tap on the shoulder and toys are an impossible dream.

Inspired by Sarah Mclachlan who changed the lives of one million people around the world in just three minutes; inspired by the touching song and video she made; my words come to you in hope they might touch your hearts as much as this work of art has touched me. Under the title "World on Fire", Sarah shot the clip of this song in a $15 cost when a real clip would cost $150,000. Where did the rest of the money go? They changed the lives of one million people around the world.

Listen to the song here and check where the money went here.

The question is now; what can WE do to help and how? Why don’t we start something to help in our own community? There are so many people who could use our help and I am sure that we all can afford to spare something and help the poor and unlucky to get better chances in life and create better futures for them and their families.

قال رسول الله صلى الله عليه وسلم: "مثل المؤمنين في توادهم وتراحمهم كمثل الجسد إذا اشتكى منه عضو تداعى له سائر الجسد بالسهر والحمى" (البخاري ومسلم)

Our Prophet Mohammed (PBUH) said: “The similitude of the believers in regard to mutual love, affection and mutual-compassion is that of one body; when any limb of it aches, the whole body shares the agony, sleeplessness and fever that arises from it.” (Al-Bukhaari & Muslim).

Ranting about the hot weather!

Khalidah — Tue, 06 Jun 2006 10:59:00 GMT

My least favorite season of the year is here and I am sweating already. I have always been a winter person; I love the rain and the cold weather. I have always said to myself that if you ever get cold, you can put on some warm clothes, you can sit near the heating source or you can tuck yourself under covers, but what can you do when you get hot? You cannot remove your own skin, now can you?

If my memory serves me; the weather was not always this hot! The summer was somewhat tolerable, but now it seems that noon is the minute we open our eyes in the morning and I am always inclined to say that I go out of the house at 7:30 noon time and not morning time because this is how it feels.

The moment I enter my car in the morning; it is boiling inside and I really need a few minutes to get used to the heated seat and steering wheel; sometimes I cannot even touch it because it is too hot. Thank God I have a conditioned car.

When I was a little girl; my dad used to take us to picnics in the summer. We used to choose spots under trees and spend the day playing games, singing and of course BBQ'ing. Sometimes we went to the sea or the hot springs where we swam almost all day long; what a refreshing feeling.

As grown ups now; we spend our weekdays behind desks in closed office rooms, some of which are not air conditioned and you are stuck with heat coming from the outside and the inside because of breath and heat generated by machines; not attractive.

What I like about summer though is the many fruits that fill the shelves of supermarkets. Summer fruits are juicy, sweet and full of useful fibers. Nothing compares to a slice of cold watermelon in a hot day, or a plate full of different kinds of fruits to allow you to pick and choose.

Cold drinks and juices are another great option to help you deal with the hot weather. Imagine yourself walking down the street in a very hot day; what is the first thing that comes to your mind? A glass of icy water or cold juice? Maybe a slush is the best choice here!

What about ice cream? I really love ice cream in all shapes, flavors and colors. I am prepared to have it any time, summer or winter. Whoever invented ice cream was a genius and applaud him for this great product. I am sad that we cannot get to Jerard's that easy these days, don’t you love their ice cream?

Swimming is another option but only when you have the time. Unfortunately; we don’t have a beach in Amman; I really wish we had because swimming would be a lot better than closed swimming pools scattered here and there. Not all of these pools are clean, not all of them are suitable and we don’t even have enough time in the day to have this luxury. That’s why when I was in Aqaba last August; I really did not want to get out of the water!

Thankfully; I have air conditioning in my car and in my office, yet I am ranting about the heat because I really can't take it. I really feel for people who are forced to conduct their work out in the open under the angry sun; these people really suffer from the heat and sometimes do not even have the time to do something about it; for example stop for a cold drink or sit in the shade.

The minute I saw Hajaj's caricature in the newspaper today; it inspired me to post about the heat and here I am sharing it with everyone. This guy really expresses my thoughts!

Summer sense of style!!

Khalidah — Sat, 03 Jun 2006 12:18:00 GMT

It’s June, it’s summer time and from the early hours of the day, the sun is shining so hard and the heat is rising every minute. You get up in the morning after a long hot night full of battles with mosquitoes; you take a shower, get ready for the day and then head out in the overheated car to start your lovely summer day!

It is obvious that I am not that fond of summer; in fact; the heat kind of suffocates me and I think I become irrational when the atmosphere is overheated; I can’t help it; I just feel so edgy. However; what I am about to talk about here is not the heat and the elevated temperatures we are experiencing; this post is dedicated for summer sense of style!

The sun is high up in the sky and up goes with it sleeves and skirts and shirts; it seems that everything is shrinking up!

I am sure that each and every one of us takes a look around and sees how girls and elderly women just started to show up as much meat as possible in these sunny days that we are going through. I am sure that some of you might say: so what? What makes you talk about this? What annoys you in short skirts, sleeveless shirts, spaghetti strap tops … etc.? Well; I will tell you!

It is only logical that one should wear something that fits what he/she is doing. You just don’t see a guy wearing some shorts to a meeting, now do you? So why is it that we see girls wearing these revealing provocative clothes for such occasion? You just don’t see a guy’s underwear flashing you in the face while at a business conference, so why is it that whenever you turn your head here or there you get flashed with a bra strap or worse; a thong?? When did it become ok to see someone’s bellybutton or cleavage while you are attending a course or a lecture or simply having lunch in the middle of the day?

Sometimes it is not suitable and it even lacks taste to wear such things for formal occasions and it is distracting. You reveal more than you seal and then you curse these boys for sneaking looks you have already invited them to take. You do not put something out in the open and then feel upset and offended when someone looks at it; I mean was not that the point you put them on display in the first place??

I get it! Some girls have the assets that make them attractive and beautiful and some attention would not harm anyone, but what about those who do not have what it takes to make them pass as gorgeous and yet still flash the world with less than ugly scenes? Isn’t it enough that we have to deal with the good ones to have to deal with the bad ones? I mean; for God’s sake, wear something suitable for your size, age, status … etc.

If you are a large girl, please do not wear tight clothes; it hurts bad enough to see these tight clothes on skinny chicks and they do not look good. If you are old enough to be a mother and in your late thirties or forties, please wear your age because fitting yourself in these shiny small pieces is not flattering at all.

If you were not blessed with a shiny white skin, maybe orange or lime green is just not your color, so why insist on wearing it?

Who was the first one who came up with this style or lack of it for that matter? It is not ok or cool to wear beach clothes for work, it is not ok or cool to reveal more than you seal as you are walking down the streets and then cry out your frustration of these men who cannot control themselves, it is not ok or cool to wear clothes that are too tight or too small or do not fit your age. It is not ok or cool to make chiffon a part of your daily wardrobe because its suitable time and place is parties.

Please don’t tell me that this is the followed trend and that you just go for it without thinking. If one day you walk in the grocery store to find that the latest trend in the food market is to eat flavored poison, would you go for it just because it is the trend?

Summer girls; please have mercy because this is getting way out of hand!

Wake up Jordan!!

Khalidah — Sun, 28 May 2006 13:39:00 GMT

It is not a secret that unemployment is one of the major problems in Jordan. This is a topic that has been discussed many times and it touches the lives of almost everyone in this country.

The percentage of educated individuals is continuously increasing and the number of schools and universities is on the rise as well; this is one of the successful trades and business models in Jordan and despite that the education fees are exploding every year; more students are enrolling and more graduates are pouring the workforce on yearly basis. However; the business market takes its need from fresh graduates which is only a fraction of the real number, leaving the rest of the graduates to fall in the trap of unemployment and total dependency on one's parents till a miracle happens.

We cannot put all the blame on the business sectors; job seekers must bare their share of the responsibility and blame.

First of all; the expectations of these students are not being managed properly; there is no career consulting services in universities; one that prepares students for the real world, so the student approaches senior year with high hopes piling up in his mind and heart to own the world upon graduation.

Of course; it would be unrealistic to think that all graduates will find opportunities on the spot and start their working life immediately after leaving university; only the lucky ones get such golden opportunities and get ahead of the others. On the other hand; our typical Jordanian student does not want to put any effort to put his/her first step on the ladder and they think that graduating is good enough to be chosen for any job they apply for when by far it is not.

In our culture; there are many factors that play major roles in forming this phenomenon; to name a few; culture focusing on shame, spoiled kids, unmanaged expectations, lack of student preparation to the working life and many others.

A thought comes to my mind as I write this; we are raising our kids to be dependent, we do not teach them to be responsible since early age, accountability has no known meaning in our lives and we do not prepare them to be the future men and women. Since early age; we do everything for our children and we give them everything they need when they need it; all they have to do is ask and they get it without putting any effort or doing anything. The idea that someone has to work in order to get something is not a factor in the way we raise the future generation and by not doing so, we are preparing them to fail, not to succeed.

One of the things that we make sure our kids must know; is that there are ranks and levels in the community. Some jobs are just considered low level and they are interconnected with poverty and shameful roles; they are beneath our sons and daughters and unconsciously we teach them to disrespect those who perform them and consider them beneath us as individuals when all people are supposed to be equal. They grow up thinking of the garbage guy as someone who is needy enough to accept this role and they forget that without him, we wouldn't have a clean city to brag about.

We teach them that it is more important how people perceive you than making a living; so in their mindset; it is ok to stay jobless for years than to work in a construction site or as a waiter, driver, guard or any other low level job.

Mothers work hard to add a prefix to their children's names as if they would not be proud of them or love them the same if they grew up to be just them. Unconditional love is a concept that we don’t recognize and we grew up to believe that if I am not successful enough, rich enough, beautiful enough, handsome enough, whatever enough, people would not love or accept us and we continue to pass this myth from one generation to another.

I can continue to rant forever about this issue, but it would be pointless if no one will hear. If we continue to put more weight on people's opinions in what we do and how we live our lives, we will never rise up to everyone's expectations and standards, hence; we continue to stress ourselves with imaginary standards that we must meet, turning our lives into a rat race, but one that has no finish line.

It is not shameful to work, it is not shameful to start somewhere, it is shameful though; to continue to be a dependent person living off the effort of others, it is also shameful to look down on people who proudly handle jobs we consider beneath us because without their work, our lives would never be the same.

Today is the day you must wake up Jordan and do something to build a better tomorrow!

At the end, Hajjaj says it best and I wanted to share this with you!
For those who don't read Arabic; Abu Mohammed in the back is thanking the customer in an Egyptian accent to pass as a foreign worker and not as a citizen :)

Weddings fiesta is officially in town!

Khalidah — Mon, 22 May 2006 22:15:00 GMT

It is summer time again and the season is taking people by a craze. A lot of people, couples mainly, have been waiting impatiently for the summer because it is the time of the year when families reunite and the fun begins; there is no better time to tie the knot and finally get married.

Not a single day passes by without receiving an invitation card to attend a wedding of a relative, friend, coworker or even an acquaintance. The funny thing is that you are always expected to attend because this is what the social etiquette tells us to do. Once you subconsciously make the decision to attend, you need a new dress, a beauty salon hair style and makeup and above all, you need to extend a suitable gift.

All this is great when you really care about those getting married, but what happens when you know them only casually, or they are family friends that you probably won’t ever see again in your lifetime? What then? Should you or should you not go?

Every time I attend a wedding, I come out with the same conclusion; what a waste of money!!

So what does make a typical wedding in Amman???

Let’s forget about the residence and its furnishing, rent and whatever a house needs for a moment, and let’s just focus on the wedding party itself.

In order to have a wedding like the daughter of aunti Suha or even a better one than that of the son of 3ammo Jamal; you need to make sure that you have the following:

You need a royal wedding dress. When I say royal; I mean it, you hear me? I mean it! It has to be of silky fabric and hand decorated. The corset and skirt need to make you look like a princess; anything less than that and you will look so poor and as if you had rented the thing, shame on you!

For your groom; you need a suite of a tycoon. Shoes must match. It has to be the right size; that’s why you have to have it tailored especially for him. All accessories must be bought from global brand names because people can tell the difference you know! The tie, cufflinks and tie pin should all be original.

Now you need someone like Marwan Kheir to give you the princess look. The wedding dress will not do you much good if not matched with a great hairstyle and a makeup that hides all your face imperfections and make you look like a movie star.

Let’s talk about the party!

First of all; it has to be in a five stars hotel, because that’s where your friend Soso had her wedding last year. Flowers should be everywhere and it must be natural flowers; we don’t want people to think that we are vulgar and do not know how to plan a great wedding party. As for music, it must be the best DJ in town or better yet; get one of the hot shot performers out there; Haifa would make the wedding memorable if only she was not more beautiful than you; people will forget about you and will keep staring at her and we don’t want that on your own wedding, so it is much better to get a guy. Also a belly dancer is out of the question because we don’t want her to steal the lights now, do we?

Now, what about the buffet? It has include various dishes because people have different tastes, we don’t want them to say we are mean, so make sure you include Jordanian, Syrian, Lebanese, Egyptian, Italian, Chinese, and maybe some Indian and don’t forget about desserts. Speaking of desserts, the wedding cake should be different because it reflects your taste and identity so don’t be typical!

All that and I still did not mention the ring/”shabkeh” and the bedroom furniture as these should be out of the way by now!

Is the period of 4-5 hours worth all that? Do people get high on spending their money that way? Does all this make him a better guy or her a better lady? Will this help them face the first few months of their married life when they get to know each other? Will that make them a happier couple?

No wonder that more guys are choosing to wait longer before falling in the trap of marriage and no wonder that more girls are entering the world of spinsterhood! I say it is a trap because that’s all what guys see, they do not see a woman they love and want to be with her no matter what, rather they see an empty bank account and probably a load of loans to be paid back; trust me, this is no way to start a life!

If love really existed between couples, none of these empty “keeping up appearances” actions would make any difference to them. They would take the money they have and go launch their life as a couple on a far island where they can spend a few days away from people and really make happy memories and lots of pictures to document them.

To me, a wedding is nothing more than dressing simple, having your closest family and friends around you and then a great long honeymoon, now that’s what I call a great wedding and that is exactly why I have boycotted all the weddings I get invited to, unless it was someone very special or if I had to attend.

Friends!

Khalidah — Sun, 21 May 2006 23:05:00 GMT

What is so special about friends? Why do they hold such a high rank in our lives?

When we are born, we do not get to choose our parents or family, we do not get to choose our names, we do not even get to choose our culture or religion as these are all pre-determined by the two people who got together and decided one day; it is time to bring us to the world.

I am reading a nice book these days and in the first chapter; the author asks the reader to imagine that one day he wakes up to find himself in land of giants. They all speak a language he cannot understand, he cannot communicate with them, they laugh at the sounds he is making, he cannot eat their food and all he can get is what they give him. They carry him around and make funny faces at him and then roar with laughter.

Then one day, he finds other individuals that have the same size as him, and they speak his language as well. They eat the same food and share the same interests. From that moment onward, one discovers what friendship is all about.

Friends are those people who understand you in the land of giants, they are those who share your concerns and joys, they speak your language. So, it comes as no surprise that friends play a major role in our lives; we cherish them more than family members at times because we got to choose who our friends are.

I had my share of good friends; I have beautiful memories that are my resort when I feel lonely and sad. I remember all the times we sat and laughed when we did not have worries in life. We used to go out and share everything; our laughs were from the heart; honest as the emotions that tickle your heart when you have a crush on someone.

Days went by and life stole each of us in a different direction; each had a new life and a new path to follow; our paths no longer crossed and we all went on in opposite destinations. It is only rare that you find someone who has the desire to keep the paths crossed despite obstacles, and no matter how hard it is to be consistent; they always find a way to communicate and keep in touch.

On the other hand; there is the other kind of friends. These are the ones that have temporary friendships that end with the stage and whenever you run into them again; you feel like they want to hide or they are not thrilled to see you or even are a bit upset.

One of the episodes of “Sex and the City”, Carrie calls this type “frenimies” as they are neither friends nor enemies; they happen to be a mix of both. I really don’t know when some of my friends turned into frenimies; we just drifted apart and we no longer felt comfortable around each other and with time; we just stopped contacting each other altogether. I know it is sad but that’s the way life goes and only those who are true friends do stick around for the hard times as well as the good ones.

I babbled enough here; and all I want to say is that I really miss my friends!

Online dating / Matchmaking!

Khalidah — Thu, 04 May 2006 15:36:00 GMT

I have been thinking about posting this for some time now and was more determined to do so after the great feedback I received on the "To date or not to date" post last month. Many of the comments stated that it is wrong to open the community to an imported concept like dating for all the bad consequences it will have on our clean society, and that it will only drag more problems, etc.

Assuming that we do not have a dating phenomenon in the Arab World, the above argument might be somewhat valid. However; people have been dating for decades now and it hasn't stopped and my guess that it will not stop at all. Starting from dating the girl next door to our colleague at university or work; point is: dating is an ongoing part of our culture whether we liked it or not.

It might not be as open as western countries as people in the Middle East are doing it more discreetly and needless to say; without parents' knowledge.

I have to admit that the methods used to meet new people are creative. So as an individual; male or female; you are not stuck to your small environment and you can go beyond that with the whole world as your destination.

It first started with placing personal ads in magazines. These are done anonymously where you put a small profile about yourself and are given an ID number for reference. These services are monitored and managed by personnel hired for this specific reason, so the role of this person is "khatba" or matchmaker and they make sure that the information given by the member is true so that they can provide credible service; you can view samples of these services in any of the famous Arab magazines and yes, this method is still widely used.

With more sophisticated individuals who happen to be internet savvy and have access to the web; the process has been simplified and made a lot easier for them and they can now manage it for themselves. The model started with big portals adopting the personal ads as one of the free services provided for the members worldwide. With advertising phrases like: find friends in your own area, more people signed up and placed profiles to get connected with other people who shared their interests so that they have something to talk about when breaking the ice.

With introduction of chatting and instant messaging; the process became even easier and you could meet more people by a click of a button. AOL, ICQ, MSN, Yahoo and others; they all provide the service of searching for people and getting in touch with them. People started meeting online is group chat rooms, and then moved to private ones to have personal talks.

Some have become chat experts where they don’t provide real information about themselves; at least until they make sure of the other party and decide whether they want to take it further or stop it immediately. Those who have a lot of free time on their hands can waste it in internet cafés meeting new people online.

Eventually; this method is being abused all the time and people use it only to make fun of others or hunt desperate-for-attention individuals, blackmail them emotionally and drain their energy through false relations.

Despite disadvantages; the model continued to evolve and grow and more services began to emerge to the service where these services are designed specifically for serious people who want to settle down and marry but don’t seem to find the right person, so the matchmaker has an electronic version now and through delicate sensitive search engines, it can find you several matches to explore and choose from and maybe end up with them in a successful family.

These models started with date.com, eharmony.com, dreamdates.com and many others. Since these services have an international reach, the need rose for a localized or more customized service for our communities in the Middle East and we started seeing them come to life. Only naming a few; bentelhalal.com, qiran.com, e-zawaj, naseeb.com.

Even some of the networking sites have become a cover for the same activity; online dating. From these: hi5, lovehappens.com, bingbox.com, sms.ac and many others.

Can people really meet online and fall in love? Can internet solve the problem of many individuals who do not find their matches in the regular ways? Is this model successful?

Since the medium used (internet) gives a complete anonymity for the user; how can you make sure that the information you are getting is credible and truthful? How can you ascertain that you are not being played by some psycho who has decided to make fun of you and use your feelings as a toy? Do only losers go for this method? Can we generalize and say that if they were not losers they would have met their matches without using internet as a medium? Or there might be some good people out there?

Some people still abuse these channels and use them to hunt for flings because they are bored with their own spouses. They create fake attractive profiles to get to people seriously looking for good company and/or long term relationships. They use all the tricks in the book to get to these people and are prepared to lie their hearts out for the sake of getting whatever they are after.

It cannot be denied that these methods are used; otherwise we wouldn't find so many successful business models like the ones mentioned above. The question is: how do we deal with them? And as a person living in a community who condemns normal dating procedures, would you go for online dating? Would you marry someone you met online?

زمن الواوا

Khalidah — Mon, 01 May 2006 13:53:00 GMT

تقبشوا قلبي شو مهضومين لما بتطلعوا على الشاشة ... بيحتار الواحد ع شو بده يتطلّع ... على الوجه اللي متل القمر بفضل دكاترة التجميل المحترفين ... والا على الكسمات ... يييي ريته ما يبلى السيليكون والبوتوكس ...

بس هادا كله ما بيغني عن فستان يظهر أكثر ما يخفي ... ما هو بس على دوركن صارت قمصان النوم أستر بكتير من الفساتين ... عفواً، هي لسه اسمها فساتين؟؟؟

مع هالطلاّت المنوّرة ... ما عاد مهم يكون صوتك حلو ... ولا مهم تكون الكلمات حلوة ... اقلك ولا حتى اللحن مهم ... العين هي بس اللي بتحكم وطز في الفن ...

الله يرحم زمانك يا أم كلثوم ... لو لسه عايشة في زمن الواوا ... كنت انتحرتي!

وليك الواوا بوس الواوا خلّي الواوا يصحّ

ولما شفت الواوا بسته صار الواوا بح

والك جائزة اذا بتعدّلنا كم واوا يوجد في جسد المؤدية ... عفواً ... بس عد كم واوا وردت في الأغنية

ولا تلعب بالنار ... واوا أح

ولا تخليني غار ... واوا أح

وأح ما أبرد وجهك!!

وأنا دانا أنا دندن ... وفتّح عينك تاكل ملبن

وأنا دانا بتشخلع وبتدلّع وغصب عن الراضي والزعلان بتمايع!!

وغصب عنا والله دخلتي بيوتنا ووصلتي لولادنا وبناتنا ... وصاروا يرددوا أغانيكي أكثر من النشيد الوطني في طابور الصباح ...

وحط النقط على الحروف ... قبل ما نطلع سوا ع الروف

الاخت بتعطي دروس مجانية للشغالات والمربيات وأي ستات تحصل على إذن بالدخول إلى بيتك أختى المواطنة ... ديري بالك على جوزك وولادك ... ليروحوا يطلعوا على الروف مع الأخت الفاضلة بوسي عشان تحط معاهم شوية نقط على شوية حروف ...

وكل ما بشوفك بخاف ما ارجعش اشوفك مالي قلبي غرام ... أها أها

وهاي الأخت طلعت من مجلة بلاي بوي بالغلط ولقت حالها قدام الكاميرا لايف ... قالتلك خليني أفقعها أغنية بالمرة ...

وانت اللي ولّعت النار وخليت الليل نهار

يا حرام على الكوابيس اللي بيعيشها صاحب الأغنية الصرعة ... لكنه عمل إنجاز ضخم في العالم العربي وهو اثبات أن الإغراء فن يتقنه الرجال أيضاً ... هاظا اذا قبلوا الرجال إنه الأخ ينحسب عليهم!

وانت لأ وهو آه

ومن منا لم يسمع أو يرى نجلا؟؟ خليني ساكتة أحسن

والعب العب ... وتكدب عليّ كده ليه

وقريباً مدارس ماريا في كل مكان عشان تعلّم بناتنا كيف يدعسن بكيكة عيد الميلاد ... لأنه هاي من أهم علامات الدلع ...

صارت آذاننا مزابل يلقي فيها كل هؤلاء كلام وحركات وايحاءات زبالة ... وكله في سبيل شوية مصاري بيهون ... والأهل غفلانين وكل فكرهم انه اولادهم وبناتهم عم بيتفرجوا على قناة موسيقى بريئة ... وقال شو زعلانين من ستار أكاديمي ... أي شو بيطلع الأخير جنب جميع ما ذكر أعلاه؟؟ والله حالة بتخزي ...

بنرجع وبنقول ... صرنا عايشين في زمن الواوا ... وماذا أرى يا هل ترى ... وبمقلتيّ هاهنا أرى ... كل الأنوف تدلدلت ... وكأنها صبحت ورى ... وعجبي!!

وفي Update لفت انتباهي صديقي Dar إلى الأخت مروة

والصراحة راحة يا عيني وانت ما بتعرفش
الصراحة راحة يا سيدي وانت ما بتقدرش
وح اكسّرلك صباعك وأجبّسلك دراعك
ياللي يا للي ما بتعرفش ... وحاحا

طلعنا من الأح ودخلنا في الحاحا والمطرب الحمبولّي وأمّا نعيمة خلّي عليوة يكلّمني

وإن نسيت، كيف أنسى تينا؟

ساعة بتتقرّب ساعة بتتهرّب
خايف من إيه وصابر على إيه
مش عاوز تعرف؟
عاوز أو مش عاوز؟

الملاحظ في كليبّات الأخت تينا أن التخت جزء لا يتجزّأ من الديكور ... الله يعينها ... بتتعب
مش بتتعب؟؟؟

Customer service in the Arab World!!

Khalidah — Tue, 25 Apr 2006 22:14:00 GMT

A few years ago, I attended a seminar with an expert who is considered a guru in Customer Service; Ron Kaufman. Mr. Kaufman went on an on about how we should upgrade from customer service concept to customer satisfaction, and then from the latter to customer delight! Remembering this now, after the lousy couple of days I had; I wish to God that Mr. Kaufman never sets foot in our country!

Mr. Kaufman is roaming the world teaching professionals how to upgrade to customer delight, summing up his knowledge in a great book called Up Your Service, and we are here still struggling with what customer service really is?!

In our world; there is no real meaning for phrases like: the customer is always right! Customer service agents do not realize that they are holding these jobs because they are supposed to serve the customer and make sure that he is content and happy with the product/service provided by his/her company, but what we are witnessing here is that the poor customer does all he/she could to keep the customer service agent happy!

Think about it; why would you even call the company if you did not need any help or service? Yet, these agents hiding behind phone lines or counters are rude enough to treat you like you were an insect that is bugging them and they have turned it into an art to make you feel like an idiot, as if you are supposed to know everything like they do. It is like they want to tell you that you messed up their calm uneventful day by your stupid call, you stupid you!

You can hear it in their voices over the phone that they hate your guts and they hate the fact that they had to answer your call. You can tell that they have this huge frown and wish that you would not ask another question so that they can go back to whatever they were doing, maybe they were playing a computer game or just too sleepy to order their brains to start working. What is even worse is when you can see them when you are getting the so called service face to face; like say when you are in a bank or trying to pay for groceries; don’t you just hate it how they start talking to each other as if you don’t exist? What makes them think that you don’t have anything better to do at that moment?

What makes this even worse and more tragic is that even when they know that they are wrong and that they made a mistake, they do not apologize to you, and they never ever smile! Are they that arrogant that your business is not important to them? Are they that not loyal to the company and they couldn't care less if it lost or gained you as a long term client? Or is it ignorance pure and simple?

We see large companies with hundreds of employees and fancy titles, their organization charts can fill a whole wall, each manager has managers and those report yet to more directors, those directors report to boards and boards to shareholders and the list goes on. They have departments for everything but they are all bubbles in the air that burst with the first customer experience.

I am really sick and tired of all these incompetent operators who do not know the ABC of phone manners, I have had enough of slow cashiers who take ages swapping items through the machine neglecting the line of people piling up waiting for their turn, I can't stand rude workers who do not know anything about their workplaces and cannot answer simple questions, I am fed up with staffs just hanging around for the sake of it and run away at the sign of a customer avoiding eye contact and pretending to be busy with something else and most of all; I am really disgusted with agents who think they are smart and treat me as if I am stupid!

Owners and managers of companies really need to train their people and carve it in their heads that the customer comes first and that he (the customer) is the reason there is a company/bank/organization/supermarket in the first place.

Customers, on the other hand, need to stand up for their rights and never accept mediocre treatment; you are paying to be served and if that does not guarantee you the good service you deserve, then maybe you should work harder on the attitude and make them serve you they way you like whether they like it or not. I can't even count how many times I had to snap at one of these agents who literally drove me crazy!

Needless to say; customer service is still a weird concept in the Arab World at large, and there Mr. Kaufman trying to upgrade their service to satisfaction and then to delight. My guess; it will be many years before we see this happening here, that is unfortunately of course!

Communities obsessed with virginity!!

Khalidah — Sat, 22 Apr 2006 01:07:00 GMT

Virginity has proven to be the most taboo of the taboos in the Middle East and probably in many other places around the globe, however; Arabs are more obsessed with it than any other nation. As the epitome of honor, virginity issue is the line that you cannot cross and sometimes; you cannot even talk about or discuss even with the closest of your family members and friends.

My favorite magazine VIVA digs deeper in the hidden secrets of women in the Middle East and talks about their obsession with virginity versus their desires, self restraint and will power. It also discusses the remedies and lengths these women would go for to escape inevitable consequences that, in most cases, might lead to their deaths.

A spectacular article in the April issue, under the title "White Lies", sheds the light on this growing phenomenon in our communities. Overlooking or even denying that such acts does not mean that they are not happening for real. Research and statistics show that it is a very serious matter that is affecting more people every day.

So the girl does the ultimate sin and loses her virginity before she is married, a guy proposes to her and she is faced with a very critical situation as her secret will be out in the open and she will soil the family name and honor, and she might get herself killed in the process. What is she to do if this happens?

The article shows that there is an increasing phenomenon in our communities nowadays; for a few hundred dollars; a woman can restore her virginity and replace her hymens a little before their wedding nights to make sure that it will break in her first night with her husband, as the sign of blood seems to be the only way to prove that she was a virgin; her husband and her whole family would be relieved that she will have maintained the family honor till the end.

This operation is called hymenoplasty; it is performed in secret because it is illegal. In most cases; the doctor will perform the surgery in his clinic unless it was meant to be for long term results, which needs more time and precision to make sure all goes well, so the doctor performs it in a hospital under another medical condition and it passes as such.

The statistics stated by doctors are quite shocking; as one of the doctors in Lebanon says that he makes this operation for at least 80 women per year, and that the highest number of cases are done in the summer because it is a marriage season and girls want their fake virginities before the wedding. A doctor in Egypt says that he does it 2-3 times a week. Other doctors in the west state that the majority of their clients are Arab women who want to fix the problem before their weddings, but other clients want the surgery for other varying reasons. The operation is perfectly legal in the west and is classified as cosmetic.

Arabs lives are marked by double standards; men sleep around with many women but when it is time to get married; they want a chaste woman with a pristine past; she must be a virgin and he must be the first man in her life. Women want to live their lives like men but the responsibility of their family honor lies on their shoulders, so she is not as free as her male peer to do what ever she desires; and if she ever did, she cannot easily get away with it like he can.

Putting aside religious and cultural aspects aside, and digging into the reality of the situation; where have we reached and what the heck is going on in our societies? Girls sleeping around before they get married and lose their virginities to men that are not worthy; they claim that they did it out of love and because the guy promised to marry them; blah blah blah.

On the other hand; men have been sleeping around for ages and virginity is no issue for them because they don’t need to prove that they were not playful; in fact; they are even proud of it and brag about it. To them; the will power of women has become a challenge and they would do anything to test it and see how far can she go before she gives up and gives in; after they get what they want; poof! They are out of the door and out of their lives leaving them to deal with the consequences of their mistakes; their life altering mistakes.

Another variable has been added to the equation; the doctors who believe in their hearts that they are the knights in shining armors saving the lives of these girls by giving them the fake hymens and saving the day with a few drops of blood in the wedding night.

This is really sad and pathetic.

Honor is not measured and evaluated by the bloody sheets of the wedding night; it is not a so narrow concept to be degraded to this low level. Women who want to fool around can do that and keep their virginity intact, and men of today are aware of this difficult equation and help her out. Where does trust fit in the equation then?

Many questions come to my mind; women who choose to sleep around out of wedlock; if they are convinced that what they are doing is wrong, why do it in the first place and then run around seeking a surgeon to restore her chastity? Men who sleep around with women out of wedlock; if you are so free and have no problem in having intimate relationships with women, why do you insist on having a virgin wife and leave the others that you soiled to deal with the consequences?

Is it the forbidden fruit that keeps people obsessed and base their whole lives on lies? How does a man make sure that he is marrying a real or a fake virgin if the blood is his only proof? When people make choices, why do they run away afterwards and don't stand by their decisions and defend them if they were not doing anything wrong? Why not choose a path and stick by it?

The level that we have sunk to is very low and it makes me very sad. We live in a culture driven by strict traditions and religion and we cannot deny that abiding by them is the best way to lead our lives on the right path. It is wrong to import habits and try to apply them in a place where they don’t fit as this will only lead to more broken bones in the body of the community that we really need to keep clean and healthy. These words address both men and women equally as we are in this together.

Commenting Protocol and/or Etiquette!!

Khalidah — Wed, 19 Apr 2006 00:20:00 GMT

Blogging world has introduced us to new dimensions of human communications; it has opened a large window of opportunity for over zealous talented individuals to be committed to their blogs and their readers, and that is the foremost motivation that keeps them going and interacting with the whole world through this very easy tool that is available to all of us.

What makes blogging even more exciting is the direct interaction with the audience and the immediate feedback.

Since the main feature of the blogs is the fact that they represent a personal point of view, this causes many conflicts between the blogger and the readers, and among the readers themselves. Just how many times we have read long debates on certain posts and maybe even participated in some of these debates, especially when the post is highly controversial.

Having said that; I think you all agree with me that the comments represent another active means of communication that should be governed by guidelines and etiquette, just like any other communication method. Since we have witnessed many a time how some comments cross the lines of common courtesy; I got interested in investigating more about this and see if there are such rules that are worth mentioning.

So, I took a virtual trip around the virtual globe searching for the unwritten guidelines and decided that I would post them on my blog hoping to help is increasing awareness about this very important issue, so here we go;

Before I go into details about the guidelines; remember that as a commentator who wants to reply to a certain post and/or comment, you are a guest in the blogger's virtual house which is the blog, hence; you are obligated to show the minimum level of respect and courtesy towards the owner and his other guests (other commentators).

So, before you decide to post your comment, keep the following guidelines in mind:

- Read the whole post before you add your comment and I mean read it; do not skim through it or just read one or two lines of each paragraph.

- Make your comment relevant to the post topic as much as possible. If you do not have anything to add, simply don’t comment.

- Helpful criticism and lively debate are the point of comments. It is easy to offer the first and have the second while obeying guidelines and maintaining a courteous dialogue; even if you think low of the point of view presented in the post and/or comments, do not express ridicule or underestimate the other point of view in an offensive manner.

- Never assume that you know the people behind the blog and/or comments and judge them according to your convictions; always leave room for constructive discussion.

- If for any reason you felt negatively provoked by a post and/or a comment; do not post your own comment immediately. In other words; do not be reactive and lose the edge of the debate, rather be responsive and wait for a sufficient period of time before you start pouring your mind/heart in your comment.

- Try not to leave irrelevant links in the body of your comment as the blogger would not appreciate so many exit points from his post to something that is not directly related. Besides; you are already given the opportunity to post a link to your own blog in the personal information section; benefit from it.

- Do not blatantly promote yourself. An interesting comment will make people investigate you, and that is better than any commercial you could write.

- Keep the cursing and profanity and vulgarity to a minimum. There might be kids reading that specific blog, parents read it, spouses read it, friends read it … etc. Intelligent people who can follow an argument without having key points highlighted for them by gratuitous uses of offensive words also read that blog, so do your best to be as polite and courteous as possible.

- If you feel that a certain debate is taking a more personal aspect between you and the blogger/another commentator, take it offline and use other means of communication to end it.

- If you choose to comment anonymously; the least you can do is sign the comment with your first name or initials, however; if you insist on anonymity; make sure that your comment follows the guidelines and don’t take advantage of your anonymous status and hide behind it to attack everyone else.

- Make sure you follow lingual guidelines, such as:

o Never use "All" Capital letters in your comment because like email and chat communication, capital letters are equal to SHOUTING!

o Use short sentences and paragraphs if your comment is longer than usual

o Limit the use of acronyms and abbreviations unless they are familiar to everyone.

o Review your comment before posting it for spelling, grammar, correct punctuation, general content (does the comment say clearly what you want to say?) and general readability (is the comment logical, clear and easy to understand?)

I hope I covered everything here. I know that these are a lot of guidelines, but many commentators think that they can offend others whether bloggers and/or other commentators and get away with it, and I thought that something needed to be mentioned in this regard.

Please feel free to add your own rules so that we can come up with general guidelines for everyone.

Polygamy; the Ultimate Male Selfishness!!

Khalidah — Sat, 15 Apr 2006 23:22:00 GMT

I am about to talk about something that was discussed many times. It might be the most controversial topic in our Islamic and Arab worlds. I will do my best to be as objective as I possibly can because this issue in particular hits on my nerves. Polygamy has always perplexed me in its core concept; it always baffled me how a man can take more than one wife and be as sane and stable as any other normal person!

Putting all the religious arguments aside, because I am sure that this is the first thing that men will say; God has given us the right to marry not two, not three but four wives at the same time. I am not going to get into the religious aspect because men who practice this right are not even qualified to practice it from the beginning. It is true that God has privileged the Muslim man with this, but it was not without conditions and prerequisites that a minority of men meets.

What I am talking about here is the human aspect and consequences of such act. I have witnessed some cases of polygamy first hand and more often than not; men do it for their own pleasure and whims, forgetting about the conditions that God has outlined for them in order to practice this right.

The most common scenario is when a man goes through a middle age crisis that turns into a lifetime agony for his first wife and kids and probably for him as well. He marries his first wife and together they start a family; she helps him fulfill his dreams and move up the ladder of success. Her help to him varies from taking care of the household, the kids, helping out from her own career, his personal needs; mental and physical. When he finally becomes the dream; he looks for something to give him back some of his lost youth; and all of a sudden; his wife is no longer suitable for him; he needs a younger, more beautiful and more sophisticated woman who measures up.

The poor wife is in the dark. Yes, she might feel that there is something wrong and she might investigate what is going on with her husband, but what can she do? If she confronts him; she will be making is a reality too soon, so in the hope for this crisis to pass; she keeps quiet until she is surprised with the fact that she has to share the man of her life with another woman, and her kids have to share their father with another family.

In most cases; the woman prefers to accept this humiliation to her femininity for the sake of her children; because she does not want them to lose their mother as they have lost their father. In fear of her husband never coming back to her and her kids, she accepts his presence and does her best to make him feel comfortable. He has forced her into a competition for his love and affection, and she has to pull all her womanly charming tricks to win him over. She has become one of the women in his harem after she had been the only one. Not only she has to compete for his love, but she has to compete with a younger, more beautiful and more sophisticated woman who has become his new love bringing with her all the excitement that comes with anything new.

The minute he decided to marry someone else; he stopped treating his wife as a human; he considers her as property challenging her to even object because if she does; she is risking depriving her kids of their father and might get herself divorced taking the shame and disgrace of that to her own family and maybe losing her kids in the process.

Why does she have to be the one to compromise and sacrifice? Isn't he a father and has his kids' best interest in mind? What makes his personal needs more important than hers or her kids'? What makes OK for him to insult her like this and get away with it? It is his selfish nature that drives him to become a cruel person and forget about the woman who shared his life, only to satisfy his manly ego and fall for a woman who does not care whose lives to wreck in her search for her own happiness.

The religious argument here is unacceptable because God is just, God is fair and no way will He accept that the man does this to his wife and family in the name of His teachings; justice and fairness are the most important conditions for the man to be qualified for polygamy.

What a woman is to do when she is put in this situation? Should she accept her husband's selfishness and stay with him? Should she refuse and leave him risking losing her kids? Who said it is fair that she goes through this while he goes on a honeymoon renewing his youth and love? Who said that she is less human than him to accept sharing him? Who said she does not have needs exactly like his? Why are his needs more important than hers?

It is really sad that some women reach a state where they prefer that their men get themselves thousands of mistresses than a second marriage. I can't blame them for wishing so and I understand why they would, but do men get it? Do they comprehend the amount of humiliation they force their wives and families to undergo? Does he feel compassion towards them or he does not even care as long as he satisfies his desires?

I am really sad for all the women who have to go through this and I call for fellow women to think twice before wrecking a home and taking a man from his wife and family. Chances are: he did it to her; he will do it to you!

Until Death Do Us Part!!

Khalidah — Wed, 12 Apr 2006 22:22:00 GMT

Three weeks ago, I posted about married men who have girlfriends and discussed some of the reasons and consequences causing and resulting from this action. I received a great feedback from the readers; one comment in particular caught my attention and inspired this post.

When two people come together and decide that they want to spend the rest of their lives together, they do not put in their forecast that they will end up leaving each other. They have high hopes of a life full of love and warmth; they want to start a family and be together and live happily ever after. Isn't that why people get married in the first place? To be with someone they love and start a family? Isn't that the reason behind considering death to be the only thing that can separate them? Until death do us part?

What if death does not refer to one of them? What if death refers to their relationship, their love, their passion, their togetherness? What happens when one of them loses interest in nurturing and maintaining the relationship?

Love alone is not enough to make the marriage work and succeed and I believe that we all have reached this conclusion from what we hear, see and experience first hand. What does make the marriage work and succeed though, is the persistence from both partners and their commitment to the each other and the relationship. Marriage needs a lot of work and takes so much effort from both of them, and they are obligated to work together as a team, because if one of them builds and the other destroys, the marriage is doomed to fail even if only behind closed doors.

The most fatal mistake that couples commit is the lack of communication or even its mere inexistence. When the couple do not talk and communicate, they will be alienating one another and eventually grow apart. Once this happens; each one of them moves on in a different direction on his/her own, they only share kids, house, sleeping space, couch, expenses and most of all share fights.

Years pass them by and the love seed that they once dreamed of to grow into a beautiful tree has dried; they did not give it attention and certainly did not nurture. Then comes along the blame game; he thinks it is her fault because she got distracted by her career, kids, house … etc. and never gave him, her husband, the kind of attention he wanted and therefore; he sought this attention with someone else, and she thinks that it is his fault for not spending enough time with her or the kids, he spends most of his time out of the house, he cares more about a football game than talking to her or taking her out and therefore; she pours her attention on things that give her satisfaction and the cycle never ends.

If you feel trapped in your own marriage; it is much better that you sit down with your spouse and talk about what is bothering you, open up and be honest. God has created man and woman in a way that they complement each other, they are not to challenge each other, they are not to overpower one another, but they are to live in harmony and peace, they have to work together as a team to make this work for both of them and for the sake of their family. If and when they reach a stage where they lost interest in one another, the only person they need to talk to, is the spouse and no one else. They owe it to one another to give a chance to make things better and try to rekindle the love flame, to reconnect and to be a family one more time.

If after all the effort, they still feel like strangers, maybe it is better for everyone that they move on separately and search for happiness elsewhere. If kids are the only reason holding them together; it is the worst possible reason to build a successful marriage and kids will not appreciate it.

Some of you might say: it is easy for me to say as I have not been in the situation. This might be true; but I cannot imagine myself stuck in a marriage that does not satisfy me in every possible way and not say anything about it.

If you are facing a problem with your spouse; going to a friend or a relative to rant about it is not a solution, making a decision to be unfaithful and move into another relationship will only make things worse, letting your soul die and turn into a machine that does emotionless chores under the name of obligations will kill every possible hope for this marriage to ever succeed.

Marriage is tough enough; life itself is hard and needs a lot of effort and work to pull through; don’t lose your best ally, your best friend, your loved one, your spouse. Do not lose your way and wander in the life maze without someone holding your hand to support you; God knows it is hard to do all this alone!

Domestic Violence!!

Khalidah — Sat, 08 Apr 2006 15:27:00 GMT

Global and worldwide is the range where this phenomenon extends; sad and severe are the consequences.

Relationships and friction between people creates conflicts, differences and stubbornness make these conflicts sink in and become huge obstacles for all those involved. Humans are all about feelings and emotions; that is what distinguishes them after all; they have feelings.

One of the main phenomena that grab my attention over and over again is domestic violence. It perplexes me how a person (man or woman) would use violence as a means of proving status or authority, or even as a way of expressing anger towards something or someone.

This is a phenomenon that is widely spread in Jordan and that is so unfortunate and sad. More often than not; the party with the better status in the household is the one who tends to be abusive and violent, and in our world; it is almost always the man.

Our ancestors used to consider hitting a woman to be a big disgrace and will soil his honor and insult his manhood. What happened to our men ever since? Is it the fact that women have changed and grown a lot? Is that men cannot and will not accept women as equals and respect them as humans? Do they use fear to maintain their status as the ultimate authority in the house? What is it that makes them react with their hands?

I cannot deny that our culture has grown so much and small changes have been quite evident on our people. However; a lot takes place behind closed doors and many women are being violated and abused in most horrific ways. They are being beaten; insulted, humiliated, degraded … you name it.

I am sure that I will be accused of being a feminist (not that I am not!) and some will say that it was mentioned in the Holy Quran that a man can discipline his wife by beating her and I am sure I will hear all sorts of arguments, however; this does not change facts and it certainly will not make me change the way I look at this issue. Men need to take two steps backward and look at the situation as outsiders and then make a just judgment. Would he accept that a man takes liberty in beating his daughter just because he is her husband? When his daughter comes to him crying and humiliated, would he tell her to shut up and go back to get beaten again? Would he accept that she lives as a broken soul?

If a man thinks of his daughter before he beats his wife, would he do it?

Nothing justifies beating another human being even if you had authority over him/her. God blessed and privileged us with brains to think and gave us the ability to talk so that we can communicate using language, not hands. What we are witnessing though; more women are joining the club of battered and abused women; they become broken from the inside, they lose their humanity and turn into something that is far away from who they once were; how is that fair?

The abusive husband tends to adopt this poisonous behavior with his children as well and it is more likely that when a man abuses his wife, he would be abusive towards his kids as well, and all of a sudden; this becomes normal starting a vicious cycle or battered generations of boys who will grow to become abusive husbands and fathers, and girls who will grow to become abused and battered wives.

Men who do this make me sick; there is always a choice between humanity and animalism, and there are many valid ways for the man to prove his manhood and masculinity without turning into a monster who only sees fear in the eyes of his family members. Fear can be planted but respect is earned guys, if you are facing serious problems with your wives that lead you to losing control; maybe it is time to look for solutions rather than making the problems worse. How would they like it if the roles were reversed and they were the ones getting beaten and humiliated? Would they still think that it is not a big deal for a man to hit his wife?

Some study stated that 78% of women in Jordan approve or even support that men should hit their wives. Let me tell you what I think about such women; they make me even sicker, and they are disgrace to all women kind. It is a fact that the worst crimes are those of passion because they are triggered by deep rage, and this is the logical evolution of anger that is causing domestic violence; is that what we want our community to be?

For all the abusive men out there; start treating women with more respect and humanity; put yourself in their place and see how you would feel if you got beaten and insulted, and then act. For all the women out there; stand up for yourselves for God's sake; if you continue to take this treatment; you are not only ruining your own life, but also the lives of your children for many generations to come. Both men and women share the responsibility and must work together to inject some positive change in their lives and the community at large.

Time to raise the STOP sign to all shapes of domestic violence; enough is enough!!

Fears, insecurities, low self-esteem … you name it!

Khalidah — Sat, 01 Apr 2006 12:45:00 GMT

Offense is the best defense, how many times have we heard this phrase and maybe even experienced it first hand by either being the offenders or the defenders? Things keep coming around; one day you are on this side and the next day you are on the other; it is not even humanly possible to stick around one side indefinitely!

Having to be in this vicious cycle of offense and defense makes me wonder about the causes and reasons behind these behaviors or attitudes. Some people get deeply indulged in one of these sides that it becomes a constant attitude or maybe a nature, which makes it harder to those around them to be always on their toes.

Those who choose to be always defending themselves and their actions are a real pain. You have to always be careful around them because anything that happens, magically becomes their fault, they start saying they are sorry, they try to make things better when in most cases they can't, they feel so bad that whatever happened happened and try to justify the whole situation.

When you are dealing with a person who is always on the offense side; nothing ever seems to be satisfying to them, they always find something to complain about and more funny is how they always manage to make any situation personal, even if you are talking about the weather; they would think that you are sending them a message. What makes this really irritating; is that they don’t think before they act, they just lock and load, march and fire!

I believe that the normal human behavior is to be sometimes here and sometimes there, depending on the situation while maintaining a neutral attitude in between. What are way abnormal are the two cases where one is completely biased towards one side all the time.

It is obvious that those who are always on the defense suffer from low self-esteem and have many insecurities inside their minds. On the other hand; those on the offense side may seem to be strong willed and level headed, but truth is; they suffer from the same insecurities and low self-esteem as the first kind; they only react differently.

There was one time when I was watching Oprah Show, and she was talking about how we tend to judge others easily. Simple things that we say indicate that we are suffering from some insecurities and are pointing them out in others; like when we say (just mentioning a few for the sake of giving an example):

- What an awful driver he is

- Look at the way she is dressed

- That is not the right way to raise a child

- You always give ridiculous excuses

- How dare you say that in front of everyone

Many of these statements indicate that the person has some issues and suffering from weaknesses that they are trying to hide by emphasizing their authority or alleged superiority. The problem with this kind is that if you take a reaction to anything they say or do, the cycle of offense will keep growing because they never admit they are wrong or even apologize for what they say or do. In their mindset; they have the right to say what said and do what they did, and they even justify bad manners and inexcusable actions by resorting to authority and fake status they designed for themselves. Needless to say; I feel sorry for such individuals!

Some of us deserve to be saluted for their ability to deal with their own fears and insecurities. Communication is a true art and once and for all; we have to understand how to respond and not react. Relationships are hard enough and if you can't handle the pressure induced by them, you will end up losing your friends and those who love you will have a very hard time dealing with you. Always remember to listen with empathy, respond not react, respect is earned, trust is earned, put yourself in the others' shoes before you start insulting them and most of all; remember that insulting people will not make them feel better about you; you are just one individual and certainly not the center of the universe, so not necessarily that everything said or done is about you; get over yourself and most importantly; get over your fears!!

To date, or not to date??

Khalidah — Tue, 28 Mar 2006 12:40:00 GMT

This is a title of a featured article in VIVA Magazine for March issue. The author of the article is discussing the emerging phenomenon into our society that is becoming more lenient and is tolerating the idea of dating and adults being their own matchmakers.

I liked the ideas presented in the article because this evolution is bound to happen. One of the things mentioned is that the idea of dating is not a new one; for many generations now; men and women have been dating and establishing long relationships before marriage, although secretly. What is important now though; is when and how to bring this forward and have these relationships in the open?

It makes me wonder if our parents and the older generation would be accepting to this idea, and how willing are they to embrace it and allow their adult children to act on their own and find their matches through dating, socializing and mingling with the opposite sex in open and honest contexts.

The author met and discussed this concept with many people and got some very interesting feedback; it seems that more people are becoming accepting to the idea and are willing to embrace it in their lives in order to find the right person that they will spend the rest of their lives with.

However; she points out that although dating has a positive impact in the society, it is not risk free at all. For starters; the double standards ruling our community where men get away with things that they judge their women peers for. Applying this to the dating game; a man can go out on as many dates; has many relationships before he is ready to settle down, but when he is ready; he goes after someone who does not date or whom he met in a family gathering or something of the sort. Of course; this does not apply to all men in our community, but it certainly is the norm.

By chance; the magazine features another article by a bachelor who is defending the dating game saying that it has become a need in our society; people are getting married at a later age than before and they only have one shot at marriage, so, dating became necessary for them to understand themselves and what they want in their future spouses. He also points out that some men do abuse this freedom by dating many women and dumping them along the way till he is ready, and when he is finally ready to marry; he will go for someone with a pristine past because reputable girls don’t date. I have to wonder here is this is not an excuse more than a learning curve for the man to play around and keep himself busy till he is ready to tie the knot.

Going back to the article subject of this post; the author also points out a downside for the dating social system, which is the emotional side. When you embrace the concept of dating; you are putting yourself and your feelings on the line and you will be susceptible to get heartbroken, especially if you fall in love with that person or in the least get attached to them.

Breaking up can cause so much heartache and pain; if you are not ready to accept all the possibilities, you are in trouble.

Another issue comes to mind here; what are the guidelines and rules of dating? How do you meet each other and where? Do you go out on real dates or you prefer group gatherings? When do you consider yourself exclusive or going steady with someone? How do you announce it to the people around you? If you ever breakup, do you continue seeing each other in the social circles you are used to, or do you stay away from the whole scene? Are we mature enough to take in this whole dating system and accept it with all its good and bad sides?

As for me, I do not consider it wrong for two people to get to know each other before they start thinking of marriage; however; being in our society and culture, I cannot but wonder if this is even possible. I know for a fact that my parents will not be accepting for the whole idea. Of course I have been in relationships before, and I never hid them as well. I had clashes with my parents about this, but we finally reached an understanding that this is my life and as long as I am not doing anything wrong, then they have nothing to worry about; so far, this is working just fine although I am not a solid believer in the integrity of men in our community, well, not anymore anyway! No offense guys!!

In conclusion; this article by Laura Haddad is a must read; it sheds light on an urgent matter of this emerging phenomenon that is forcing itself in our society whether we like it or not. I must say here: VIVA Magazine Rocks!

Forbidden Fun!!

Khalidah — Sun, 26 Mar 2006 15:04:00 GMT

So we all were tagged by Hareega; he simply copied and pasted the JP list of citizens to include all in it. He stated in his post that his tag questions might be perceived as perverted while his sole objective was to end the tagging craze.

Frankly; I found this tag to be humorous and in no way offending; otherwise I wouldn't have engaged in it and answered it publicly which caused some of my readers to get angry and send me some comments expressing their anger and disappointment.

As a sign of respect to their opinions; I removed the post and sent them an apology; however; I don't feel that I did something outrageous and to be honest; I am not quite sure as to why they got offended in the first place??!

I saw this tag dare funny; it is not a crime to make fun of ourselves every once in a while and not take ourselves too seriously. The questions were daring; I can't deny that, but in no way I found them offending religiously or anything … so lighten up guys and consider this a break from all the seriousness around us!

This is my opinion only; and I do apologize for those who do not share it. I always speak my mind and defend my beliefs, so I think that some have overreacted on something that could have been brushed off as a light hearted fun, or oops; I forgot that we are not allowed to have some fun!!!

Married Men with Girlfriends!!

Khalidah — Sat, 25 Mar 2006 23:03:00 GMT

I am not quite sure if this is a phenomenon in the Arab world or that it is a normal thing that men did since ages; all I know is that this is really strange and certainly needs some focus.

Most Arab men marry for the wrong reason and at the wrong time, however; they don’t realize that they turned their life around by taking a decision when they were not in the least ready for it and its consequences. He wakes up one day to find that he is married to a woman that he does not love and a load of responsibilities lie on his shoulders; not only that, but he is the sole provider for the whole bunch.

Somewhere along the way to this point; he has lost the connection to the woman that he chose to be his lifetime partner; that is assuming he had one to begin with. He realizes that he cannot talk to her or share with her concerns that fill his mind on daily basis; routine kills all initiatives he might have to make life exciting one more time.

Married couples in our part of the world see marriage as the end of freedom and fun, and the beginning of a life full of responsibilities and work load that never ends. He has to provide for the welfare of the whole family as he is the protector. On the other hand, she has responsibilities of her own; the house, the kids and many other duties that fill her days. They fail to recognize marriage as a start rather than an end, and instead of merging their lives into one, each goes on living his/her life separately leaving their common interests or sharing points to be limited to duties that marital life forces on them.

When boredom hits them real hard, they start looking for an escape or a way out to vent and feel alive one more time. Since our society is male dominated no doubt, and since men in our community get away with almost anything; they seek friendship from the opposite sex, convincing themselves and their friends that it is very innocent and it will not hurt anyone; they just need this friendship, hence; the phenomenon of married men with girlfriends.

I have come across many of those; and I always ask them why can't they be their wives' friends? Why do they not include their wives in their social circles? Why do they not introduce this so called girlfriend to their wives if it was as innocent as they claim? Why do they need a girlfriend to begin with? Do they think that there is no solution to the situation they have? Lots of questions and they almost always have no convincing answers. Most of the ones I discussed this with; they say that their wives do not understand them and that there is nothing in common between the, they made a mistake when they married them and now that they have kids, they are staying with the wife because of the kids, blah blah blah

I am not against friendship in the concept; but I never feel comfortable when some married guys want to take a casual acquaintance to another level of exclusive friendship, claiming that the wife does not understand them and that they need someone who does. The problem is that they don’t understand this as respect for the woman who is in the dark on all of this, but they take it as a sign of playing hard to get in the hopes of having something more than a friendship.

Women in our community tend to take their marriages and husbands for granted; and when finally the man breaks free; she starts complaining and blaming her bad luck on the jerk of a husband she ended up with, but the reality is that she played as much of a role in destroying the bond as he did. Once she gets married, she stops paying attention to herself like she did before, she dresses up to go out but not for her husband, make up and perfume are for occasions and not for calm evenings with the man of the house. When she talks to him it is almost always about problems they are facing, or about his family, i.e. his mother, or about the kids and what they need; she does not discuss his work with him or even put the effort to share his concerns with him.

Let's face it ladies; we bare the responsibility of this one! Men need a lot more than a clean house, clean clothes, food, etc. Men need partners to go through the hardships of life; they need to discuss politics, football, news, stocks and everything that interests them, and if he cannot find this at home, he will look elsewhere, so you better work on your conversational skills, become your husband's best friend and relief him of the guilt that he has to live with when he takes a girlfriend that speaks to his mind.

Does Amina live inside us?

Khalidah — Wed, 22 Mar 2006 16:37:00 GMT

Who doesn't know Amina from the famous novel by Najib Mahfouz; Qasr El Shoq? This great novel talks about the life of an Egyptian family during occupation years. It tells the story of a tough man "Sayed Ahmad" who was ruling his household with great cruelty and force; Amina was his wife.

We saw how this powerful feared man used to live two separate lives with two completely different women. First woman was his simple wife, Amina. She obeyed him or one can say that she worshipped him, taking everything he says as an order that she must follow religiously. She never ate in front of him, instead; she stood beside the table waiting for his instructions. She never looked at him when he gave her the orders; she kept her eyes on the ground. Going out of the house was out of the question; she was only allowed to visit her mother with previous permission from him. She dedicated her time to keep him happy and made sure that he has everything he needed at any point of time.

Second woman was the famous artist and belly dancer Zbaida. She was quite the opposite of Amina; she was the naughty playful female, who makes a living from entertaining men. She was the mistress of this powerful man; he lived with her a secret life full of fantasies and wild nights. He led these two lives separately and made sure that they did not mix in any way.

Mahfouz gave us two extreme representations of women in the Arab World, moreover; he showed us how the same man treated this extremely different to because of the double standards that the Arab man was drowning in at that time.

This story took place in the thirties, but I can't help but think that nothing much has changed ever since. We still have Amina's and Zbaida's and the double standards still rule to date.

A couple of days ago, I posted about this issue and got very interesting comments from my dear readers. Some blamed women of the Arab World on men's double standard attitude, some blamed men and the rest blamed both. Reading the comments on that post made me think of this great work of Mahfouz's; it made me think of the huge inheritance that reached us from our great grandfathers and grandmothers, and I can't help but believe that each Arab man has "Si El Sayyed" inside him and each Arab woman has both "Amina" and "Zbaida" inside her struggling for one of them to emerge to the surface and dominate the other.

Moderate women of today have somewhat gained control over their Amina, however; more often than not; when Si El Sayyed emerges to the surface in their men; Amina takes over and becomes in control. It perplexes me how men in our Arab World live the two personalities and master their roles with an Oscar performance.

We witness many examples of the double standards in our community and we don’t know when or how this will end. One guy goes out with girls, loves them and become loved by them, takes them out and gets them gifts. With his girlfriend; he is Romeo, showers her with love words and makes sure she is always happy. Same guy goes home and bullies his sisters, orders them around, never shows them any love or respect and dare one of them get herself a boyfriend and practice the same rights her brother gave to himself or the community gave to him because he is a guy. If she is discovered; hell breaks loose and she can lose her life in the process because her honorable brother could not handle the shame she brought upon him and the family.

Our community gives men the right to do whatever they like and the lame explanation is that they are men and they will not be affected by these relationships. Just because it does not have any apparent effects on a man to lose virginity or get pregnant, God forbid, the community gives him a green light to indulge in taboo things that are not even allowed to be discussed. What makes things worse is that when he is discovered; no one looks at it as a shameful thing; rather it becomes a need and men have needs, right?

Same community forces reasonable and unreasonable restraints on girls suppressing them and depriving them from their freedom to choose. We see girls resorting to lying and going around the rules to practice their rights in life.

Before I get accused of encouraging girls to have forbidden relationships; let me make it clear that not all girls in our society are after this particular right; believe it or not; we think in a complete different manner than men. What is the core issue of this post is the deprivation of the right to choose, and the right to live a normal life that is free from lies and fear. Why can't men accept the women in their families are humans and have the right to choose the way they want to live? Why don’t they encourage them to lead their lives freely and in the open where they can supervise and give advice? Why do they force them to resort to lying and deceiving them?

Women bare a large part of the responsibility in this situation; she is the one raising the man and teaching him how to deal with women starting from home. If she teaches him that his sisters have feelings and should not act as his servants just because they are girls, he will start having a deep respect to the woman as a woman. If the father respects his wife and gives her a special rank in the family; children will grow to understand that this is a partnership and that it is not a master – slave relationship where the woman is the slave for the mere fact that she is a woman. So, for all the mothers and fathers out there; stop treating your sons as Gods and your daughters as slaves, instead; treat them as humans who are equal regardless of gender so that they would have deep respect to each other.

In past times; women did not go out of their housed to work side by side with the man, she did not have to participate in providing for the household, she did not have to be a super woman who divides herself between rules of working woman, wife, mother and housekeeper. She did not have to struggle 24/7 to raise her kids and teach them right from wrong. She did not have to be the prime bread provider for the house in many cases, and yet what shocks me is that men still insist to be treated as masters, they still want to be kings of the house.

Bottom line is that some women have evolved and grown, they know their rights and more importantly know how to get them, they no longer accept to be slaves and they chose to kill Amina once and for all, they got rid of the fear and they are honest with themselves and their surroundings. The question is; are men afraid of such women? Do they choose Amina over this woman or does he find pleasure in transforming this woman into Amina using his authority given to him by God and community? What is it with you guys that makes you scared of giving women some freedom and empower them to take their own decisions?

I wish that as many guys participate in this discussion to help us all understand what they want.

How do we get them to respect who we are??

Khalidah — Sat, 18 Mar 2006 17:49:00 GMT

Am I classified as a feminist when I say that there is a missing link between women and men in the Arab World? Is it too much to say that we speak different languages? Who is to blame for the current unspoken revolution that we are witnessing? Who is responsible; men or women?

I was watching an interview with a famous Arab actor a while ago; he was asked about the time he spent in the UK and his relationships with women at the time. His answers were very interesting and for the first time ever, I hear such honest answers and point of view.

He said that he was afraid to start a relationship with a foreign woman because his biggest fear was to be misunderstood for the ignorant Middle Eastern man who only sees physical aspects of women. Even when he started a relationship with an English woman; he compromised a lot because he did not want her to think that he was barbaric and uncivilized. He did and accepted things he would never have if he were with an Arab woman.

As honest as this point of view may seem; it makes me think more about the double standards that our Arab men adopt in their lives. They are something when they are with their women in their own world and they become something totally different when they are dealing with women from the outer world. What makes this even sadder is that they do it out of selfishness; no offense to all guys out there, but you are doing it to be perceived as civilized by these women, and you give them your respect to the extent of doing everything you can to achieve an image you drew in your imagination, yet you don’t do the same with women from your own world because your community gives you such power, and in your heart; you don’t feel the need to prove anything to the Arab woman because she is lucky just to have you!

It makes sense now why Arab men don’t like strong women and prefer the woman who sees the world through their eyes; one that does not object and agrees to everything that they say. It makes sense now that a man lives his single life to the full and when he is thirty something or forty something and is finally ready to get married; he does not pursue a woman who is close to his age; or even from his generation, rather; he goes after a woman young enough to be his daughter and convinces himself that this is a fit marriage.

Why are they so afraid? What makes them think that such a young girl would have anything in common with them? Why do they respect the foreign woman and do their best to make her see them as civilized individuals yet they don’t do the same with Arab women?

I am an advocate for communication and I always say that it takes two to make the relationship fail or succeed, and I don’t like generalizations; I believe that exceptions of today will be the rules of tomorrow and that our children will not go through the same things that we went through. We are paving the roads for them to live easier lives.

Life itself is evolving rapidly and if we don’t keep up with it, we will not find a place in it for us. Change is always good as long as we take its positive side and learn from its negative one, but it does not make sense to hold on to old thoughts and say that they are a part of tradition and that we should accept them as they are without attempting to make them fit the life of today. It is a good thing to know about our cultures and traditions, and define the boundaries according to current life changes, as we cannot go by the same standards that our ancestors drew for themselves; time changed and more importantly; we did. I would like to believe that we are more sophisticated and knowledgeable, and that we are ready to take on new challenges in our lives.

The way I see it is that if we do not start accepting and customizing new changes in our lives; we will be left out and find ourselves on the sidewalks as life passes by and leaves us behind. It is much better to accept these changes and imbed them in our culture drawing some limits and boundaries to keep the Arab identity, than to be forced to take it or leave it.

To Arab men I say: meet us half way and respect us as peers and partners so that we can have decent fruitful communications and lives; help us understand your uniqueness and individuality as you do the same exact thing with us. There are fantastic people out there who can be great couples that will lead the future, but only if we adopted positive change in our lives.

As usual; your opinions are the sole purpose I blog; so please be generous and share your thoughts with everyone!

Is the Arab World ready for Corporate Blogs?

Khalidah — Mon, 13 Mar 2006 11:35:00 GMT

Blogging revolution is on the rise and there is no telling when it will calm down if ever. Blogs have given individuals a power that they lacked and craved until only recently.

The way I see it; is that the media history will be classified as pre-blogs and post-blogs phases or eras.

Pre-blogs was a phase where we had assigned individuals with the sole responsibility of communicating with the media and providing them with well revised content that was compatible with all laws and policies available. These contents did not necessarily reflect the ideas of their own writers and editors, rather; they reflected the ideas of the general policy of the entity as a whole.

Some journalists were really brave to speak out their minds and outline their opinions about events or policies in countries or regions or the world for that matter, and they were marked for doing so either positively or negatively, and many of them dealt with consequences of such markings.

Post-blogs is a revolution that the whole world is experiencing and many of us are taking part of this completely different approach to media and communication and on a large scale that extends to be global.

Internet brought down all the boundaries and barriers that crippled communication and interaction between worlds and civilizations, but there was a missing link to all this great new technology; the media was not reaching the people. Blogs however; have completed the cycle and provided the missing link in this rapidly growing means of communication and now utilizing the power of blogs, real people are reaching their peers from different civilizations, backgrounds, locations, etc.

Bit by bit; the gaps that used to exist and being bridged and exposure to new things is always the controlling factor in the wonderful journey that we are taking part in.

As the power of blogs is continuously on the rise; corporations are beginning to realize how important it is to reach their customers and consumers through this genuine method, and what makes it even more interesting is that they can conduct researches and run surveys to get consumers' feedback on their products or services in an easier, faster and less costly methods.

The question here is that: are corporations in the Arab world ready for such a leap?

What makes blogs so famous and sought by readers from different ranks of life, is that they give a more genuine and personal perspective about the content provided. So, when I visit a blog and read the content about anything provided there; I already have the pervious assumption that this information is credible and trusted, which brings me to the next question: are corporations in the Arab World ready to place a credible blogger that will list their negatives as well as their positives?

A friend of mine sent me a great article about this issue and the writer focuses on the credibility of provided information, as false information is easily spotted and marked by readers and other bloggers and if a corporation was caught in the fatal act of misleading the audience; this is what is called: "Death by Blog".

Should a blogger be appointed to maintain the corporate blog; he/she must be brave and credible enough to provide the audience with trusted content that will promote the credibility of the corporation as a whole. But are Arab corporations ready to give such power to one of their people? Are they willing to trust someone that much and stand accountable for their own mistakes and talk about them before anyone else does?

The way I see it; we still have a long way to reach this stage, as blogging as a concept is still taking the baby steps in the Arab World, and not until it is all grown up and strong that we will see such transparency and accountability provided by our corporations be them in government or private sectors. The mentality behind these organizations is what governs the attitudes of their representatives, and no one wants to be the scapegoat and initiate this concept. Even if someone was bold enough to take such a step; he/she will be risking getting the pink slip from the company they work for and represent, hence; they stay in the shadow, at least for the time being.

What these corporations (or those behind them) don’t get is that nothing would give them more credibility than to humanize their brands and give them a face that people can relate to and communicate with, but they are still afraid of the power that they might be giving away by doing so, and overlooking the humungous benefits they would reap if they gave such empowerment and acted as proactive leaders.

Fighting at the wrong front!!

Khalidah — Sun, 05 Mar 2006 23:25:00 GMT

As soldiers of life, we live and die in a continuous struggle to discover our true identities and take our special ranks that God created us for. From the moment we are born till the moment we did, there is no moment to waste and we need to keep energizing ourselves to reach our goals.

These goals are set according to the stage that we are in, and the effort should be compatible with the goal in order to overcome hurdles and obstacles to reach there safely and victoriously.

From the early childhood days, the goals kept evolving as we grew older; first it was to raise our heads from the lying position, then to crawl, and after that to walk, and then run, etc. We fell and hurt ourselves many times but this never stopped us from trying to achieve the goal set for us.

As we gained more physical ability; we started to gain mental power to differentiate between good things and bad things, and we knew what goes with our surroundings and what does not. We knew what is acceptable and what is rejected, and our inner feelings and intuition always aided us to make the right choice.

As we grew older; we started to recognize new things in ourselves; feelings and emotions. These new motivators pushed us toward certain things or people and alienated us from others. We learned how to love and how to hate, and between love and hate; we learned how to be jealous, bitter, giving, forgiving, forgetting, sacrificing, etc.

We learned that in order to keep and nurture what we want and love; we need to fight for it, and make sure that no one else comes along and snatches it from us; so we were introduced to a new concept and that is to fight people like us to stop them from threatening our peace that we have struggled and worked so hard to achieve.

The problem with all this is when these feelings begin to mix and confuse us, and sometimes we reach a point where we are committing the act for the sake of doing so and not because there is a real need for it. The real danger is when this act becomes a habit and a second nature to us and we can no longer choose to do it or not do it, because we let it take over our judgment and shut the sound of reason.

It is quite understood when you are fighting for what is rightfully yours and for your inner and outer peace, but you have to be very careful as to whom you are fighting. Sometimes; we alienate close people because our judgment has been shadowed by the nature that we have unconsciously adopted along the years.

Some people adore the role of the victim in their lives and those of their beloved family members, and they become experts in the blame game. They blame everything and everyone in their live for their bad luck and misfortune. These people are the worst abusers of others affection and love; they turn life into a battlefield that never has a truce. There is always someone out there to get them, people around them don’t love them, or they are just jealous and that’s why they keep trying to trap them and drive them into trouble. Nothing is ever enough with this type and no matter what you do, you will always miss something and you never get it right.

These people start fighting everyone around them, even those who are trying to help them, and the funny thing is that I realized that those people who like victimizing themselves over and over; are the most selfish type out there because they always crave being the center of attention even if this means subjecting themselves to everyone's pity.

You can recognize this type when you see them always complaining, always have something to bitch about, all the random events in their surroundings were meant for them and against them. They never take responsibility for their actions because according to them; they have always been forced to do everything. They adopt this "poor me" attitude and expect you to buy it and act on it; you have to show your support and direct involvement; otherwise; you will be accused of not loving them and for working against them.

To these people I say: you are fighting at the wrong front and no one will lose in the end but yourselves. People around you can tolerate and take your attitude for a certain period of time and then they are just fed up, and instead of pulling them closer by making them feel sorry for you; you drive them further away by doing so, and you will reach a point where you find yourself fighting alone at your front and the whole world had abandoned you and this time it is for real.

To the person who inspired this post and you should know yourself very well; change your attitude while we are still on your side; if you continue to victimize yourself like you always do and fight us because of demons living inside your head; you will wake up one day to realize that our ship has sailed and left you behind and there is no way that we will go back and subject ourselves to your continuous abuse. Wake up before it's too late!!

We are lonely people …

Khalidah — Fri, 03 Mar 2006 21:05:00 GMT

It never seizes to amaze me how isolated in our own worlds we are …

We are staying in the same house with people that we love and care for, we are eating with them and sit on the same couch, watch the same shows and yet, we don’t really know who these people are.

It is a phenomenon in our part of the world how disconnected we are. We are the most social communities; we visit our relatives and we share experiences, chit chats and news, but we do not share ourselves. We do all these things because we feel obliged and not because we want to.

A lot of couples wake up one day to realize that they are spending their lives with a complete stranger. They cannot be their true selves in front of the closest person to them and this is really sad.

They cannot express their true desires and inner thought because they fear being judged and misunderstood. We share an outer world where we are wearing masks, lots and lots of masks and each has its own purpose.

You wake up in the morning and before you even wash your face; you wear the first mask. This mask is supposed to hide worry, anger, exhaustion and complete confusion of life and future. You wear this mask because you don’t want those living with you to get a true feel of what you are thinking of or going through, because this will shake the stable chair they have comfortably seated themselves on, and you don’t want them to change their perception of you. They have always seen you in control and you don’t want that to change; not now.

As you reach work, it is time for the second mask. This one will give you the professional attitude as you need to be taken seriously by your colleagues, subordinates and superiors. You have to keep this mask on for the longest part of your day. It exhausts you but you cannot take it off because it is too risky to do so and people might get a peek at your vulnerabilities and take advantage of them and maybe use them against you.

During the day; you might need to put the happy mask when dealing with a client, or an amused mask when you are entertaining one. Mask after mask after mask and the game continue.

It seems that the only time you can be free of all the masks is when you are alone and that’s when you start talking to your inner self to make it feel that everything is ok. How lonely is that?

We do the very same things every single day and people around us think that they know us and can figure us out any time, and we might think the same about them, but the truth is, we don’t know each other and we don’t communicate, and the more we close ourselves to the world, the harder the communication gets, and then all of a sudden, we are faced with a cruel fact; we are strangers even to ourselves and the masks are even there in our solitude, and we no longer remember who we are, so we adopt the closest thing to our old self as we once knew it, and the masks become us and we become the masks.

When I realized that I am losing myself to the masks, I decided that I would never hide behind one, and that I will always say what's on my mind and how I feel, because keeping it inside would only make things worse and will not get me what I want in this life. If you want your family to understand how exhausted and overwhelmed you are; you just have to say something.

People's nature is to assume things according to what they see and feel from others; and they take things and other people for granted believing that once a bond is formed; it will last. But the truth is that anything in life needs nurturing and maintenance; if you don’t spend enough time and effort taking care of what you have; you will lose eventually.

Don’t believe that others know you; you have to make them know you by opening up and sharing yourself with them. Don’t assume that others know how you feel about them; you need to tell them. Don’t take for granted whatever you have; you might lose it in a blink of an eye while you are not the tiniest bit prepared.

Life is hard enough with all the help that we are getting from God and people; let's try to make it easier on ourselves and others by sharing, communicating and once and for all, dropping the masks and showing our true colors.

Memoirs of a Jordanian Spinster!!

Khalidah — Tue, 28 Feb 2006 12:41:00 GMT

Don’t be surprised! Jordan is one of these countries that if you are a woman and did not marry before the age of 25; panic attacks start hitting your family and specifically your mother, and they start doing their best to change this status to married so that they can finally rest and breathe that they did what they were supposed to do.

So what happens if you hit the critical age of 25 and you are still single? From my experience; it is quite a change. I will tell you here about some of the things that will start taking place; they start very shyly but then they become aggressive in nature and you can no longer ignore them.

Suddenly; your mother wants to take you with her to any social call she is making, even if you don’t know the people or you don’t have anything in common with them; your mom will do her best to show you around to her friends and relatives and will go on and on about how successful you are, smart, obedient and how you would make a great wife and mother.

When you go to wedding parties, women will salute you and say in a low tone: By God's will; next time it will be your turn!! When will they learn that this is not a nice wish? It is as if saying we hope that one day you will get married as if this is the ultimate achievement in life!

As years go by and there is no courageous knight to come on his white horse and sweep you off your feet; the panic becomes terror and your family can no longer hide their fear from you; you will see it and feel it in everything they do or say; you do your best to reassure that you are ok with it, but still they don’t want to leave you behind alone in this world; which is something I understand especially in our society, because you will not be left alone, and every man in your family would feel that he has the right to be your custodian no matter how old you are or what social status you have; as long as you are still single; you don’t have the right to control your own life.

The big disaster takes place when your younger sister is being courted or proposed to. Your parents fall in a dilemma of traditional convictions that the younger must not marry before the elder. They don’t want to hurt the elder's feelings and lessen her chances in getting a good husband, and at the same time, they don’t want to stand in the way of the happiness of the younger. I really feel sorry for these parents; as they keep thinking of their daughters and they keep repeating the famous Arabic saying: "ham el banat le el mamat", which means that worry about daughters, keep haunting you till you die.

They start giving up when their daughter hits the 30's and she is still unmarried; and they start thinking of alternative solutions to make her life livable. They start giving her more privileges; she can stay out later than before, she can travel sometimes, and all the time they are hoping that one day; she will get married.

What is really sad about this, is that the community treats a woman of such status as if there is something wrong with her, or assuming that she is not good enough to marry one of the great guys out there. Assumptions about her past and morals start becoming the gossip of town, some would say that they heard she had lots of boyfriends in the past, and that’s why no one wants her, or that she would give any man a hard time because she is demanding, or that she is arrogant and snobbish, and many other creative stories about the reason that she is still not belonging to a man!

The most tragic thing is that when married men start proposing to her to become their second wife, assuming that she is past the age of marriage; she will definitely compromise and she should thank God that some man even thought of marrying her, as if he is doing her a favor. Some men would think that such a woman is easier to get and nail because she is desperate, and that she would be grateful if they gave her the time of the day.

No one assumes that she might be happy just the way things are, and the fact that she did not marry till now makes her insist on not compromising when it comes to the man she will spend her life with. If he did not bring something good in her life to add value; then why should she accept it? Why would she complicate her life?

Those who fall in the trap that the community designs for them, make it easier for people to believe all the bad assumptions about this woman.

Sad truth is; a woman does not get the respect she deserves unless she belonged to a man under the name of marriage. Rare are those women who can make it in our culture and survive all these setbacks. However; the fear will always be there, she will be perceived as a less of a woman and she will be treated with pity!

I have always believed that it is wrong to marry for the fear of not being married; marriage is a sacred bond that should be formed between two people who want and choose to spend their lives together because they found real happiness in this unity. I believe that I will marry someone because I love him and I will not love someone because I will marry him; if you think about it; you will find that it makes a lot of sense; if only they understand and leave us the heck alone; if we marry or don’t marry; that affects only us, so save yourselves the headache of following up on our lives that do not concern you!

When does your custody over us stop?

Khalidah — Mon, 27 Feb 2006 01:01:00 GMT

There comes a time in our lives when we feel that we can make it on our own, and that we can face the world alone, to experience independency in its most glorious forms. It's a nice dream that keeps tickling our imagination, but the reality hits it hard in the guts reminding us that we are in the Middle East.

We come in life and don’t choose our families or even names. Even the decision of conceiving us is one that is taken by someone else; i.e. our parents. We are born to a strange environment; we get out of a world that was ours to a world that controls us through every aspect of it.

We grow up and get used to being told what to wear, what to do, what to eat and the list keeps going one and on.

We start school and we are directed towards something that others draw for us, and more often that not; it seems that we are there to make someone else's dream come true.

We live in the taboo culture; don’t do this and don’t do that. It reminds me of Bart Simpson when he used to say: you're damned if you do and you're damned if you don’t; nothing seems to please the community or the people, and at the same time you are not allowed to simply ignore them and do what you like; you live among people and you have to mingle and fit in.

We walk towards a future that was drawn for us; we are nothing but a part of a master plan that was designed by others, and everyone seems to know what is best for us but us. If they want to teach you responsibility; they introduce you to house chores and baby sitting your little sister, and if they want to teach you about discipline; they introduce you to punishment techniques they have creatively invented.

You graduate thinking that it is my time to rule the world now, and I have the ability to be on my own and take life and challenge it. You have this short dream to be stopped by a shocking reality that you are not free yet; you are still in custody!

I don’t want to sound ungrateful to the great people that brought us to the world and helped us live up to this point, but care can suffocate you; literally.

The only thing that we don’t learn from our families, schools, universities, society, etc. is being accountable and independent. A lot of us don’t even know what the word accountability means, and independency means starting a family of your own.

The everlasting problem that we keep facing over and over; is that we don’t gradually learn about independency and accountability; rather we are thrown in the middle of the fire and are expected not to get burned. We are faced with a lot of new things to learn and cope with all of a sudden, and unless you are prepared for this, it will take you a lifetime and maybe never to reach where you are supposed to be.

When does the custody ever stop? Why can't we be on our own when we are still in the learning phase to grasp knowledge and appreciate it bit by bit? Why aren't we allowed to explore life on our own? Why aren't we given the power of choice? Why don’t they teach us to make decisions and take responsibility for them?

What happens in our society is that the parents make your decisions for you, and choose your life direction, your education, and your profession and sometimes even your life partner. It is worse when you are a woman, because you are stuck with this custody till you are turned over to another type of custody; your papers are transferred from your father to your husband, and there must always be a custodian; you cannot take care of yourself; because you are a woman!

If you are a woman, you need protection; you can't make it on your own; you need a man to be your keeper and to be responsible for you.

When are we going to be set free? Set us free for God's sake; set us free and let us be people of opinion who own the power to choose and claim responsibility for our decisions; set us free to expose the wonderful people we can be. It is becoming boring and quite humiliating the way we are kept and transferred from one custodian to another; like you; we have brains and we will be accountable in front of God at the end, so why can't you accept that we be accountable now?

Life after him …

Khalidah — Wed, 22 Feb 2006 13:11:00 GMT

Continued …

She sat there in the darkness of her suddenly cold room, she hugged herself and stared in the nothing around her; what has just happened? Did she just get dumped, and over the phone? Why didn't he wait to talk to her face to face? Is it shame of what he was going to do to her? Or is just lack of courtesy? Was he that much of a jerk?

What was she feeling?

She could not define the feelings that she was having. It seemed like a ton of emotions were fighting inside her small heart; hurt, shock, pain, loss, rejection, anger and deep sorrow. She was getting dizzy with all the turmoil inside her soul and for a brief moment she wished that it was just a nightmare, but being the realistic person she was, she knew that she was not imagining things and that there is a new reality forcing itself on her world; he left her for another woman!

She did not care if that woman was more beautiful or more intelligent or more exciting or more whatever; all she thought about was that if he had really loved her like he said he did; all the women on earth would not have made a difference to him.

She tried not to think, she did not want to be reactive, she is not like that and she didn't see any point of taking any action now. If she decided to fight for her love, was it going to be worth it? She would be fighting him because he is the one saying that he does not love her any more; the other lady is just his way out; actually; it does not really matter if he really loved that other woman or not as that’s beside the point, the point is; he was able to leave her, he took his time to think and decide not even considering for a minute to make her feel that he is withdrawing, he kept his old self the same and that’s why she did not see it coming.

She was numb. Days and nights passed by and she did not even try to think about it, she told herself over and over that she must move on, and what does not kill her only makes her stronger, was she stronger? She did not allow herself to experience moments of weakness, she had to find new things to do to fill her empty time. How could he have had time to love someone else when most of his time was with her? She did not want to go there; she did not want to think of him any more.

Some days were smooth, some were heavy and slow; moving on is not as easy as it seems, it needs a lot of changes and the most important thing about these changes is moving away from anything that reminds you of what you are moving on from. She is doing that but he isn't; why does he keep calling her? She does not answer his calls and yet he keeps calling. She thought about changing her number but then decided not to; she has nothing to run away from and she will not allow him to affect her life after he chose to exit from it.

Calls were not enough; short messages, emails and any available communication method; he used them all with no response from her, till that day many months later, when she found him standing in the doorway of her office; her reaction was not what he expected; it was obvious that he did not find what he was looking for in her eyes. The passionate look he was used to see in her eyes was replaced by a cold empty one. His eyes were searching for something familiar about her, but he could not find it.

She got up from her desk, shook his extended hand with a poker face expression on her face. He could not tell what she was feeling.

How are you, he said.

I am fine thank you, she said.

Why don’t you answer my calls and messages? He asked.

I have nothing to say to you, she said.

I have a lot to say to you, he said.

Really? Like what? She asked.

I wanted to say that I am so sorry, he said.

Aha, she said.

And that I was a fool and a jerk, he said.

….

I have hurt the most beautiful and kindest person that ever came in my life, I hate myself for hurting you, he said.

….

You are the best thing that ever happened to me, he said.

She was silent and has the same empty look in her eyes and saying nothing.

You are the only woman I have ever loved, he said.

She looked at him raising her brows.

I know that I have no right to say these things to you now, and that I have screwed up, he said, I am a fool and a jerk and still love you.

….

She did not mean anything to me, he said, I thought I loved her but when I lost you, I realized that you are the one for me, can you forgive me?

….

How can I ever make it up to you? He asked, I have tried to reach you many times to tell you that …

Is this some kind of a game to you? She said, one day you love her and the other you love me?

No, I love you, he said, I never loved her …

You loved her enough to leave me, she said, and now you leave her for me? What makes you think that you can do that? Or that I will accept this childish behavior?

If you love me, he said, you will not waste our only chance in happiness …

I think I will pass this happiness, she said, you will not find what you are looking for with me; that time also has passed.

What about the love that we had? He asked.

That had no value for you a few months ago, she said, I would be a fool to hold on to something of no value, you should know me better.

I want you in my life, he said, I need you, even if as a friend.

I don’t need you, she said, I wish you luck in finding what you are looking for.

You are killing me with your words, he said, please don’t kill the hope and the happiness that we can have together, I love you, don’t you get it?

What I get, she said, is that you never loved me, you loved yourself with me, you loved how I made you feel about yourself, you loved what you were when we were together, and when I was no longer there, you missed the feeling and you came back looking for it. Once you have that feeling, I will be a friend material allover again and you will be on your way looking for another love or wife material. What makes you think I will allow that to happen? All these months; I prevented myself from thinking and wondering about why you did it, only now I know why, and you know what? I am finally free of you …

She stood up and left the room with a smile on her face … it's good to be free!!

Life would be a lot easier …

Khalidah — Tue, 21 Feb 2006 13:44:00 GMT

If only we say what we mean … and mean what we say!!

She sat there … trying to busy herself with anything … waiting really can kill you; that’s what she was thinking. He said that he was going to call; he told her that he will be going out with his friends and once he is home; he was going to call her no matter what the time was; he said: don’t sleep because I want to talk to you!

She was staring at the TV screen but was not seeing what was on; her mind was elsewhere. She was thinking; what does he want to talk about? In the years I have known him, he never insisted on anything like that, so it must be very important and I am getting worried cause it is getting late; I wonder what is keeping him … maybe he is still out with his friends; I will wait for a while longer.

She remembered when they were friends at the beginning of this relationship; they used to talk for hours; he would talk about all his problems and she would listen carefully to give him good advice. She was always conservative in talking about her problems because she did not want to burden him more; he has enough on his mind, she thought. They talked about almost everything; the communication between them was fun and easy, she could listen to him forever. They used to laugh and joke and even sing together.

They knew each other so well, she thought. She was happy that she has such a good friend when one day he decided to change that; he told her that he can't imagine his life without her and that he is thinking of her all the time. He said she was beautiful and fun; he never felt this way about anyone before.

She knew where this was heading and she tried to tell him that she was afraid of it. He told her not to worry and to let herself go with her feelings. She told him she was not ready for a relationship and that they should not rush. He said he loved her, and he wanted to spend the rest of his life with her. She remembered how that felt, when he said he loved her for the first time; she felt her heart sink right to her feet and it was beating so hard; she could hear it in her head. Yet; she was still too afraid to give in and embrace the feeling.

He said that he loved her so many times that she could not resist any more and started letting all her guards down. She knew deep inside that she loved him, but the feeling was terrifying her. She was in love with him and she allowed herself to be taken by the emotions, to be blinded by the passion and she fell into him. She was happy with him, but recently; they were fighting over silly things and she reasoned that it must be his work or his family and she tried to cool things every time there was a fight.

She came back to present tearing herself from her deeper thoughts and memories only to realize that it is past midnight and he still did not call her. Now, she was really worried and decided that she would try calling him just to check if everything was alright with him.

She dialed the number that was carved in her brain and waited. No answer!!

She thought; I hope that he is OK.

She dialed again; he answered with a sleepy voice. She asked if he was asleep; isn't it obvious that I am sleeping? He said.

Did you forget that you asked me to wait for your call? She said.

Oh, that. Sorry, I forgot, he said.

You forgot? You are the one who wanted to talk to me and it sounded very important, and I did not want to call you while you were with your friends; I know how much you hate that. But when I realized how late it was, I was worried and called to check if all is ok. You forgot? Anyway; now that we are talking, what did you want to tell me? She said.

Well, I was thinking lately, he said.

Aha, she said, go on.

Listen, he said, I care about you so much, but I don’t think that you are the right person for me. I thought about this many times and I don’t see you as my wife; I see you as my best friend, but not my wife.

She was trying to say something, but her screams and cries were silent.

Are you there? He asked.

No answer.

I am so sorry, he said, but I can't keep this for myself any longer. You are a great person and a very beautiful woman, but I just can't see us together, I am sorry … please try to understand …

Who is she? She asked

No answer

The least you can do is be honest, she said, you owe me that much.

She is a new girl at the office, he said, I don’t know how it happened, but …

Toot … toot … toot …

What a simple gesture can do!!

Khalidah — Sun, 19 Feb 2006 21:09:00 GMT

Do you ever wonder what a small gesture you make can affect someone else's day or opinion or even life? Do you ever pay attention to the small reactions that your acts induce in others? Have you ever been affected by someone's small gesture?

Today I was going through some of the blogs that I read, and this particular post stopped me and made me read it more than once, and it is really admirable how the author was able to describe the feeling in a very accurate way.

This particular incident that happened to the author of the blog made me think of something similar that happened to me today. I was going through my email with thousands of things on my mind; it almost felt like the load of the whole world was on my shoulders. Don’t you go through similar moments? When you feel like nothing can make you happy and that you are feeling down towards everything around you?

That is exactly how I felt today when I was going through my email inbox and trying to see if there were any messages I needed to answer or some spam I needed to report, and there it was; an unexpected message from a friend, just saying hi and that he is thinking of me.

I could not believe how this simple letter lifted my spirit and made me think of how little can content a human being and make him smile. This very small and nice gesture drew a smile on my face and distracted me from the many serious things I was thinking and worrying about.

Whether the small gesture is an email, a smile, a phone call, SMS or a very simple empty nod; it is certain that it will affect someone and change the direction of their thinking even for a short moment.

I remember when I was watching the movie "Angel Eyes", and when Jennifer Lopez and Jim Caviezel were walking down the street, and he was nodding to people and smiling to them; she asked him how he knew all these people, and he answered that he did not know them. She asked him how he was nodding and smiling to these strangers and his simple answer that it was very easy and that she should try it. Once she did, she said she felt like an idiot but was happy and smiling because she actually made these people smile.

I am not saying that you go around in the street smiling at people, because in Jordan; they will definitely think you are nuts, but for those around you, always remember that the smallest gesture can hold a huge meaning to others and this little effort does not cost you anything or exhaust you, so be generous and extend hope to those who might be in need for a glimpse of it.

There is no excuse for bad manners; really there isn't!!

Khalidah — Sat, 18 Feb 2006 15:58:00 GMT

When are we going to finally learn that there is no excuse for bad manners whatsoever? Seriously; there is no excuse for bad manners and it is about time we know this and act on it; enough is enough!

I am ranting today about people invading my privacy and forcing themselves on my day without being announced or seeking permission!

I hate it when you barge in my room without knocking no matter who you are to me!

I hate it when you knock and barge in without waiting for me to give you the OK to come in!

I hate it when show up on my doorstep unannounced and expect me to be happy about it!

I hate it when you provide unsolicited advice and expect me to abide by it just because you gave it!

I hate it when you underestimate my intelligence and lie to my face!

I hate it when you give me a missed call and expect me to call you back; I pay my phone bills too!!

I hate it when you don’t say "please" when you ask me for something or a favor; don’t take me for granted!

I hate it when you talk behind my back and bad mouth me; if you have something to say about me; say it to my face if you have the guts; otherwise; shut the heck up!

I hate it when you interrupt me while I am talking; I listen to you and the least you could do is reciprocate!

I hate it when you ogle me and give the disgusted look; if you don’t like my appearance or what I am wearing; turn your eyes the other way and don’t look at me!

I hate it when you stare at me; didn't your mom teach that staring is rude?

I hate it when you don’t watch what you are saying; you might be hurting people more than you can imagine!

I hate it when you borrow something and don’t return it; there is a big difference between borrowing and taking; look it up in the dictionary!

I can go on and end up with a huge list of things I hate and bad manners that people adopt in their daily life. I do my best to be very polite and very diplomatic in my behavior and dealings with others, so how come this is not the norm?

Isn't it from the ABC of raising a child, teaching them good manners and how to treat others? Why do people neglect this extremely important aspect of fitting in community?

In the society I grew up in; I used to see mothers sending their kids out to play with others armed with an attitude; if someone hit you, hit them back! If they call you bad names, do the same! If they give you a nickname mocking something about you, do the same to them!

It is an eye to eye upbringing and what we end up learning is pure bad manners. We start doing it as a self defense technique but without us even realizing, it becomes a part of our personalities and we can't extract it easily.

All our memories from our school days are about how we used to laugh at the teacher behind her back, and what names we used to call her. We did not talk to some of the classmates because we did not like how they looked or appeared. We only hung out with individuals who share the same nature, and we ganged up against others for one reason or another. Some were the school bullies and some were the victims.

You teach your kids good manners and tell them that they should be polite and forgiving, but the problem is that when they are faced with someone who mastered bad manners, and your kids end up being the victims if they don’t take on the same bad manners you were trying to save them from.

It is a community effort and each one of us should start with him/herself. Just remember that there is no excuse for bad manners and there is always a good polite way to do things, and you will be just fine, and others around you will be grateful!

So, am I anti-traditional or anti-marriage?

Khalidah — Thu, 16 Feb 2006 14:45:00 GMT

A couple of days ago; I posted about the traditional method of getting married in our culture; to be more specific; I wanted to point out how this method is being abused and how it gives a bad outcome in the end.

I received so many comments from readers who are totally for this method, and some who were against it.

I guess I have to clarify where I stand from this whole thing. If it has always been done this way; it does not mean that it is right or wrong, because as my friend Ohoud commented: it is not a black and white thing.

In the past; bride and groom did not even see each other till the wedding night; and they accepted their fates with open hearts and moved on; had children and lived their lives normally. But let's not forget that the times have truly changed; back in those days; women had to totally cover up when they go out and they were usually escorted by a male figure or an elder female.

As time and cultures evolved; girls were allowed to pursue education and they started going to schools and bit by bit; they did not need to cover up like before which allowed members of community to see them and maybe talk to them.

Despite all this evolution; mothers were dominant when it came to choosing brides for their beloved sons. Some women took this as a profession and they acted as matchmakers or "khatba". They used to go from house to house; showing photos of girls to the mothers men seeking marriage, and for a small fee; she acted as the intermediary between families till the marriage took place.

But time continued to evolve; new habits were being introduced into our closed culture over and over, and that is because we got exposed to western cultures through the occupation that lasted long years and through those who traveled abroad and came back with new visions of the future and started changing things. Mingling became a part of modern society and it was not that taboo to know someone before proposing to her.

The question is: why is this one thing not changing?

It perplexes me how men know many girls and then when it comes to marriage; none of them is good enough. Just how many times we heard the excuse: "if she went out with me, she went out with others and I want someone who never knew anyone other than me." How egocentric and arrogant is that?

OK, so not all men are like that, but what is the percentage of those who are? If the same guys who are open to having a girlfriend choose traditional as their way of getting married, then there is something wrong with the picture, right?

Some argue that there are difficulties meeting girls. Let me assume away that this is true, and the poor guys are not finding Ms. Perfect; not at university, work, gym, clubs, coffee shops, malls, movie theatres, … shall I go on? They can't find someone in all these places and their only hope is picking one from a pile of photos or through the eyes of their mothers. If the men were shy and not out there changing girlfriends like changing mobile phones; I would say: yes, they are right, they are not able to find a good girl because there is not enough choices, but this applies to a very small percentage of men; the majority want it all, they want to have fun and always have a female figure in their lives, and when the times comes and they are ready to tie the knot; it has to be someone who is very pure and does not see any other man in the world but them.

I am not generalizing; I am simply describing a phenomenon that is there and no one can deny that it does exist. So when I say that men and women enter the relationships for the very wrong reasons; this is exactly what I mean; men want fun and women want husbands; the two objectives will never meet.

Traditional method can be a good model but only if it is done right. The comments on my previous posts made me ask myself: am I anti-traditional or anti-marriage altogether?

I will tell you one thing though: I will never marry a guy based on a 2-hour interview; heck you can't even hire someone based on one interview, how about spending the rest of your life with them?

Many of the comments stated: traditional marriages do work most of the time; but are we sure that they do? Check the chat rooms and see for yourself how many married men are seeking discreet relationships with other women because they are not happy and feel that they made a mistake when they married someone they did not know. You would be shocked to learn that these men are willing to have affairs just to feel good about themselves, and when asked why they don’t communicate with their wives; mostly the answer is: she does not understand me.

At the same time; you will find many desperate housewives seeking understanding and intimacy from other men who usually take advantage of their weaknesses and vulnerability, which explains the rates of infidelity that are growing higher in our part of the world. Is this the definition of working marriages? Of course this is not the general rule, but we cannot deny that this is happening.

I'd rather stay single than get caught in a marriage with a husband that feels trapped with me and seeks solace with another woman no matter how innocent their relationship might be.

Bride wanted!!

Khalidah — Tue, 14 Feb 2006 14:57:00 GMT

So you are a guy and you are now ready to get married and start a family, and from ALL the girlfriends you had; none was good enough to be your wife; what would you do? What is the next step in your life?

You go to mommy dearest and ask her to find you a bride; she asks you to describe your wife to be, and you start taking her through your preference list or wish list of physical and spiritual characteristics of Mrs. You.

It is your mom's job now to work hard to find you the perfect match and when she does, she shows you the photos of the lucky wifey nominees with you being the only and ultimate judge to pick the finalists.

But let me not be very harsh on you here; you need to really see those nominees and sit with them for an hour or two before you make your mind and give the final verdict. So your mom sets out to work again to get appointments with the families for you to go and pay them a visit which in most cases is a chaperoned short visit.

You start your exhausting mission going from one house to another, trying to figure out which one of them fulfills that maximum number of preferences from the list, and you disqualify some of them and some are kept pending till further notice.

Once you have short listed them to a few or a couple, you may take another visit to make sure that you are on the right track. You keep this on until you finally decide on who the lucky lady is; and you go back to her house; armed with your charm and good reputation, and you make your position stronger by taking family members with you, and you pop the question to the lady and ask her dad for her hand in marriage.

Of course they will be ready for such a request but the cliché has to be performed once and again, and then ladies and gentlemen; I present to you Mr. and Mrs. You!

Can anyone tell me what is wrong with the described scenario? I really don’t believe how men put themselves and others through this, and how they take a life altering decision based on imaginary preferences. How do they know what they want? How can they tell that they ended up with the right match? How do they predict that this will be a successful marriage? Or is it all a game of luck?

We watch the stupid show Joe Millionaire, with a big scam of a handsome guy who does exactly what men are doing; he courts, flirts and dances with the ladies and at the end of each week, he short lists them even more. The game goes on and on till he is down to 2 girls, at which time he needs to give the final verdict as to who the lucky girl is. The difference is that this Joe guy tells the disqualified girls why they were dismissed from the competition, but in the real world, the girls are kept wondering what went wrong and thinking that it is their fault that "3arees el ghafleh" never came back or called.

I know that some of you guys out there would want to attack me for my cynicism about this issue, but it really gets to me how some guys put themselves and others in such a position without any considerations to the harmful consequences that might occur.

You might say that some of these arranged marriages do work in the end, but how confident are we that the relationship is successful or just hanging in there because of the culture, kids or whatever reason there might be? How confident are we that these same men are regretting the way they chose their lifelong partner and wish that time would go back to change things? How confident are we that these couples have common language between them? How confident are we that they are loyal towards each other?

In my opinion; this is a huge risk that both are taking, and please don’t tell me that they will be engaged and can test their feelings and compatibility, because we all know that it never worked and that the engagement period is the time when each of them is at their very best, showing only the good part of things and compiling all the bad things till after marriage. No wonder many couples go through post honeymoon shock or post-wedding depression as it is medically defined.

Newsflash; this is not a game; this is a lifetime commitment that one cannot break without consequences, and it cannot be erased from your life. Maybe it is about time we gave mommy dearest some time off, and married someone that we can talk to and relate to on the long run. The dating game is going so far with the way we lead our lives to the extent that both genders are taking relationships among them way too lightly and entering these relationships for the wrong reasons.

VIVA … thank you for proving there is still hope!!!

Khalidah — Sun, 12 Feb 2006 22:33:00 GMT

Last month I posted about an article I read in Living Well magazine and how it irritated me that some men are really shallow and see only looks when they see women. I received some good feedback from readers on that post.

I was about to lose hope that we still have a few good men left and that is when VIVA saved the day. Through their corner; VIVALOCAL, they conducted some interviews with real bachelors who give a right definition to the word.

What I liked about this article is that it was concise and to the point. The interviews were not unnecessarily long; they were short and clear leaving no space for confusion in answering them.

Reading through the set of questions; you notice that they are not concentrating on one aspect of characteristics; rather they provide a short comprehensive description of the dream lady for these men. What is even more evident is that these men are describing a lady they would actually marry and spend the rest of their lives with, and not just a girlfriend for the next few months or so if she was lucky.

The interviewed men reflected maturity through their answers and this makes them all the more attractive and eligible if you ask me as who would want to spend her life with a kid?

I found the article to be lighthearted and here is a briefing of the questions that were asked;

The guys were asked to give a brief description of their own personalities highlighting the most important traits.
They were asked how and where they spend their free time which gives a better idea about who they really are.
What are their favorite places to dine out?
What is their biggest pet reeve in general?
What makes their day?
What is the first thing he notices in a woman? (not necessarily physical)
They were asked to describe their leading lady from all aspects.
What is the best way to meet her?
What is their biggest turn off?
What makes them melt?
What confuses them?
They were asked to send out a message to the ladies out there.

These 12 questions revealed how deep and genuine the interviewees are and they gave them a good opportunity to explain to the real ladies out there what men of today are actually looking for in a wife and not just a girlfriend.

My personal favorite of this list was the message that each sent out to the ladies out there; they were heart moving and I am listing them here in case you haven't read the Feb issue of VIVA magazine; I suggest that you go out there and buy it now!

First gentleman's message was: "Life is too short, so enjoy every moment. Try not to get bent out of shape about the small things." This indicates that he is go getter type that makes life easier for those around him; not bad at all!

Second gentleman's message was: "I wish women out there would understand that men are different creatures. When you trim your hair, please don’t get upset when we don’t comment on it. We really just don’t see these things." What this tells me is that he is not looking for the silly shallow type of women who only care about tiny details like this; he is looking for an intellectual lady and lucky she would be.

Third gentleman's message was: "I don’t understand it when women only show you their good side in the beginning, and then they flip. It's better to be consistent." I like this message very much as it shows he is a clear person and seeks the same from his partner; no lies and no scams; it is kind of hard to find such a guy these days.

Fourth gentleman's message was: "If I love someone, then I will accept her as she is, without any modifications. Love is a 'take it or leave it' deal." This one is on the top of my list, because is shows great self confidence that he reflects and that he is secure enough to accept his lady like she is; I wish me one of those really!

Fifth gentleman's message was that he is a 'going all out' type of person and says: "I once moved from the US to Europe for a woman." Who said romance was dead?

Sixth gentleman's message was that he is the 'walking through fire' type of person and says: "I'd do anything for a woman I cared about – with limits, of course! I wouldn't stand under her window and serenade her! I'd need to learn to play the guitar first anyway." A realistic guy with a sense of humor; this is a great combination if you ask me.

Seventh gentleman's message was: "No games please!" and he says: "I don’t like it when women play hard to get; I prefer honesty. There's no time for games." This guy knows what he wants and seeks a lady that knows what she wants in life and in a partner; I wish women appreciate this type a little more!

Eighth gentleman's message was that what gets him is: "Definitely red roses." Again, who said romance was dead?

Ninth and last gentleman's message was: "I'd do absolutely anything for a woman I love. I don’t let go easily." A persistent non-quitter; ah; every woman's dream; a guy who would fight for her!

VIVA, thank you for showing us the other side of the coin and for proving that there is still hope after all for women of strength and intellect to find the right match from our own great Jordanian men, and to all the men who were featured in the article; I wish you the best of luck in finding your dream ladies, and thank you for the good image that we have now about you.

Is it just me, or do we really need some excitement in our lives??!!

Khalidah — Sun, 12 Feb 2006 10:54:00 GMT

This morning, I was met by an article in Al-Ghad newspaper stating that a laughter club is being established in Jordan. At a first glance; one would think: there are more important things that we need to address, but come to think of it; this might be indeed what we need the most.

We have been born and brought up in a society that does not support laughter that much and we have always been accused of being uptight and always frowning; sometimes we even believed such claims, and this caused us to eliminate laughter from our daily routine.

An example of this Jordanian phenomenon is the phrase that we repeated over and over by our parents; laughter without reason is a sign of rudeness. Another example is the fact that we repeat the same pray after we laugh hard for any reason; we say: may God send us the blessing of this laughter.

The above examples are a clear sign that we don’t know how to loosen up; we are always uptight and afraid that we might not be taken seriously if we were smiling and laughing most of the time. To an extent; this might be valid in our community, however; how long are we going to continue adopting this epidemic behavior? When will we realize that lack of laughter might be literally killing us slowly?

A while ago; I posted about laughter yoga and I even contacted Dr. Kataria (founder of laughter yoga) and asked him about the possibility of holding such an event in Jordan. The possibility is there but I need people to buy into it in order to make it happen, or have a certain party sponsor such an event; any suggestions?

It is good that we take our lives and works seriously, but the problem is that we are taking ourselves a bit too seriously and maybe it is time to loosen up and instill some laughter here and there; who knows?

For ages; scientists and doctors of medicine lectured us about the importance of laughter and how it can cure some diseases, and now; we have laughter therapy which in my opinion is not less important than any other type of therapy out there, so why are we sill not convinced? And why is it that we still consider laughter as a sign of cultural misconduct?

I find laughter as a real aid in helping me take life in general and I made it a point to get a daily joke in my email or at least have a good light hearted laugh with colleagues, friends and family; trust me; try it and you will love it.

So if you ask me; I think we really need some excitement in our lives, and if this can be achieved by establishing a club for laughter; I say: be it, well done and thank you!

Begin your laughter journey by laughing at yourself and your own mistakes; I have come to learn that this is a sign of maturity and self confidence.

Grass is always greener on the other side!!

Khalidah — Sat, 11 Feb 2006 00:40:00 GMT

Why don’t we know how to count our blessings? Doesn't it strike you time and time again how we don’t really realize how good the situation we are in until it is gone?

Instead of looking at what we have, we look at what we don’t have. Instead of counting the things that we should be thankful for, we count the things that if we had we will be happier or feel better about ourselves or our lives.

I guess that it is true after all that we don’t appreciate something unless it is missing from our lives, and what makes things even more critical is that we miss it more when we see others enjoying it without any effort as if things come to them without them having to work for it.

The irony in this whole thing is that those people might be looking at us and saying to themselves that we are luckier than them because of things that we have and they don’t.

Why can't we just be thankful for what we have? Why don’t we consider ourselves lucky for the things that others consider us lucky for having? Is the grass really greener on the other side? Or is it just our eyes and brains that make us see it so?

You ask a single girl and she says she really dreams and wishes to get married, and when you ask a married lady, she says single girls are lucky for being single and on their own. I guess there is always something to complain about.

It is like we wake up in the morning and think to ourselves: what are we going to complain about today?

Life is a long journey; it takes us places we never dreamed of; some are good and some are not that good, but we get out every time with a new experience or knowledge. Maybe if we looked closer, we would discover that we get out with a blessing as well, but we don’t know how to count them or even recognize them.

If you want to know what sight is, ask a blind person. If you want to know what hearing is, ask a deaf person. If you want to know what life is, ask someone who had just escaped death.

We have to learn how to be thankful and grateful for what we have and for the people that we love. We should always tell them how much we love them and what they mean to us, because we might never get another chance.

Actions speak louder than words!

Khalidah — Wed, 08 Feb 2006 15:30:00 GMT

For the past month; we have said, heard and read so many words. We have followed the news on TV, radio, online, newspapers and on all sorts of media that we could get our hands or eyes on. The question is; what now? What is next?

Seriously; we all agreed on certain points and conflicted on others. We heard the opinions of both sides.

It is quite evident that we have a clash of civilizations and no one is able to evaluate the other point of view; simply because each are using their set of standards to weigh the others' actions and reactions, and this technique is doomed to failure; it is like two people are trying to communicate with one speaking Chinese and the other speaking French, they don’t get the other language and they start shouting at each other as if they spoke louder and shouted higher, the other would finally figure out what the words mean.

Having said that and got it out of the way, what are we going to do next?

It is not enough to write about the incident and discuss it within the blogosphere; we really need to reach those who are not getting our messages, I mean; what is the point of sending out a message if it is not reaching its destination?

We are locked behind our screens, expressing our opinions to those who share them with a slight difference in point of views, but the rest of the world is like a boiling pot, and some parties found this as a great opportunity to add wood to the fire to keep the pot in boiling state, and I afraid if no reasonable action is taken; it will eventually reach the explosion and there is no telling what the consequences might be.

What can we do? Is word all what we have? How can we reach the angry crowds and inject some sense into them? How can we reach the other side and show them the real face of us; the educated sophisticated people that want to make a change? How can we do this change?

Since actions speak louder than words; it is really a mind trigger to think about which action is speaking louder here. Is it the negative or positive actions on each side? If you ask me; it is the negative on both sides. I don’t see any positive action being taken in the right direction to solve this global crisis, and it is a chain reaction that will continue to snowball and grow bigger if it is not stopped and prevented from going further.

What does this whole thing teach us?

Khalidah — Sun, 05 Feb 2006 20:04:00 GMT

The word "Cartoon" will never mean the same to me!! I now hate the word and it makes me sick.

Cartoon was a word that referred to something nice; something that was bound and guaranteed to make us laugh, or at least see the humor part of it that reflects the point of view of the cartoon maker … sometimes we were able to recognize it and sometimes not … but it was always a creative tool to express a point of view or a criticism of some kind.

In our Arab world; we are more used to light comic; those who criticize with the faintest hints that you will comprehend with some intelligence. Only recently; we have started witnessing more creative cartoonists and looking for their work in the daily newspaper was a must for the majority of us.

Who can forget Naji Al Ali and his political caricatures that stand witness to a whole era of our lives? Who doesn't follow the work of Hajjaj in the newspapers and on the official website? Such creative people have become a part of our lives and cultures, and they document history minute by minute.

I believe that each nation has its own Naji or Hajjaj, and they follow their work like we do with ours.

We have been going on an on about the effect that the latest Danish Cartoons are having on the whole world, but we never stopped to ask ourselves why they were drawn in the first place? What was the message they were trying to deliver? Was it worth it?

The effect and turn that things took over the notorious cartoons only proved one thing to me; our emotions lead us and we become angry for the sake of becoming angry. We totally forgot that great leaders like Prophet Mohammed (PBUH) spread Islam with the power of his personality first; his forgiveness and wisdom overcame any dispute or situation he or his followers ever came across.

I include myself despite that I am against the reaction that the majorities are taking, but I am also a Muslim and cannot and will not isolate myself from my brothers and sisters, but I will not be lead into rage and angry reactions without using my brain, my education and my religion.

What should we have learned from our prophet?

We should have learned that Islam came to wash our hearts from the hatred of tribalism and ignorance. We should have learned that when someone does not know, we teach them.

The early followers of Prophet Mohammed learned from him; they observed, they watched, they asked and he lead them by example. Do you remember Omar Bin Al Khattab? Didn't we all read about his bravery and animosity towards Islam before he became a Muslim himslef? Didn't we read the story of his sister when she hid the fact that she became a Muslim because she feared him? Didn't we all follow his history as he became one of the most devoted Muslims of all ages? Didn't we read about the era when he was a caliph? We all read how Islam turned this powerful man into one of the most just and honest people in history, and how he was named Al Farouq because of this.

How many Omars do we have among us? None!

Why didn't Islam turn us into Omars? Because Islam is not to blame; we are.

Why don’t we learn from Omar and try to be more like him? Because we chose to retreat to the roots of ignorance before Islam lightened our way for us. We chose to walk in darkness and we chose to react and lead our lives so very far away from what our dear Prophet had taught us.

All Prophets have been insulted, they all suffered for the sake of their Godly message, they all showed leadership, forgiveness, wisdom and grace. They never hit those who hit them, they never insulted those who insulted them, they never threatened those who defamed them, yet; they were the ones who prevailed in the end.

If we don’t learn from the history of our own Prophet and religion; I don’t know what will make us see the light.

What is freedom of speech?

Khalidah — Wed, 01 Feb 2006 18:42:00 GMT

It is no wonder with all this buzz about freedom of speech that we stop for a minute to ask ourselves: what exactly is freedom of speech? Who gets to practice is? What are the restrictions to the rule if any? What governs it and who judges what's ok and what's not?

We have been ranting for some time now about this issue, but no one stopped to ask these questions or answer the unasked questions for that matter.

Many bloggers from the entire world have been busy posting many a time about what resulted of the alleged freedom of speech or expression, but who gets to say what goes and what doesn't? Do we even know?

Some questions come to my mind at this point; is there an international standard that governs freedom of expression? Do all countries recognize it and apply it internally and externally? What happens when freedoms conflict or in this case clash? What is a proper reaction or response and who makes it?

Searching over the net; I came across some interesting definitions of the phrase. Dictionary.com defines it as: "The right to express information, ideas, and opinions free of government restrictions based on content and subject only to reasonable limitations (as the power of the government to avoid a clear and present danger) esp. as guaranteed by the First and Fourteenth Amendments to the U.S. Constitution."

Derechos Human Rights define it as: "Freedom of expression is one of the most fundamental rights that individuals enjoy. It is fundamental to the existence of democracy and the respect of human dignity. It is also one of the most dangerous rights, because freedom of expression means the freedom to express one's discontent with the status quo and the desire to change it. As such, it is one of the most threatened rights, with governments - and even human rights groups - all over the world constantly trying to curtail it."

My favorite Wikipedia defines it as: "Freedom of speech is often regarded as an integral concept in modern liberal democracies, where it is understood to outlaw censorship. Free speech is also supported by international human rights proclamations, notably under Article 19 of the Universal Declaration of Human Rights and Article 10 of the European Convention on Human Rights, although implementation remains lacking in many countries. The right to freedom of expression is not considered unlimited; governments may still prohibit certain damaging types of expressions. Under international law, restrictions on free speech are required to comport with a strict three part test: they must be provided by law; pursue an aim recognized as legitimate; and they must be necessary (i.e., proportionate) for the accomplishment of that aim. Amongst the aims considered legitimate are protection of the rights and reputations of others (prevention of defamation), and the protection of national security and public order, health and morals. Opinions vary widely among people different nations and cultures as to when restriction of free speech meets these criteria."

Going through the different definitions; it is very clear that Freedom of Speech:

1- Is a human right and it is protected.

2- Is perceived differently across the world.

3- Is not unlimited; there are restrictions.

4- Must not defame anyone.

5- Must respect the laws

6- Will be restricted should they aim at destroying anyone's reputation.

The question here is why don’t they take these rules into consideration when they want to practice their right to speak or express their minds? If you mock or ridicule anyone in the west, they can sue you for defamation and harming their image and reputation, and they will win.

How come it is not ok to mock anyone and it becomes ok to make fun of a prophet? Why do courts accept cases when people sue for defamation and it becomes immature when a whole lot of people find it outrageous to ridicule their prophet; the very symbol of their deep faith?

I previously posted that I am against boycotting and I still am, because I believe that this is not the right way to respond to what happened. A lot are arguing that to each action there must be a reaction, but I say that we should respond in a civilized manner and not be taken by rage or anger.

Sure, we all got offended by the cartoons; they were an insult to all religions and to freedom of speech concept itself, and since they are defending their freedom of speech, then they should accept and respect our right to respond.

It is really sad how it is spreading and moving from one country to another and it is even more tragic that more people are increasing the amount of insults and ridicule only to prove a point that freedom of speech is a sacred right. Well, protecting our reputation and our prophet's image is also a sacred right and those two rights should not conflict. It all can be solved by each respecting the other and understanding that your freedom range stops the minute you trespass another freedom range; only common sense!!

Don't boycott them, teach them why it is wrong in the first place ... Isn't that what we are supposed to do as Muslims? To increase awareness about our religion and our prophet? Did we do that?

Arabic Entry: شجرة تناجي المطر

Khalidah — Tue, 31 Jan 2006 16:35:00 GMT

انقضى كانون وأنا ما زلت منتظرة بشائرك ... تكاد الريح أن تقتلع أغصاني المتخشبة ... هجرتني أوراقي منذ زمن يكاد يكون بعيداً ... وأنا ما زلت أحلم بالأثواب التي ستسبغها عليّ عند عودتك ... فمتى تعود؟

منذ سالف العصور ... اعتدت على زيارتك في أوقات محددة ... واعتدت أن أحضّر نفسي لزيارتك السنوية الجميلة ... وبكل فرح وبشاشة ... أتأمل مجيئك عند طلوع النهار وعند نزول الليل ... فما الذي أخّرك عني هذا العام؟

هل أنت غاضب مني؟

هل فعلت ما ضايقك ودفعك إلى هجراني؟

إن وحدتي المؤلمة تكاد تقتلعني من مكاني ... فأحاول أن أمد جذوري في أعماق الأرض ... لأجدها حزينة مثلي ... تشكو لي غيبتك وبعدك عنها ...

عد إلينا ... فليس أجمل من قطراتك وهي تداعب جذعي وأغصاني ... لتعيد الحياة إليها ... وهل هناك أجمل من الوريقات الخضراء إذ تصحو من غفوتها لتفرد ثوباً موشحاً بالأزهار والثمار ... وتلوّن طبيعة افتقدت كل الألوان في غيابك ... فهلاّ تعود يا رفيق الدرب؟

إني حزينة ... لأني لا أعرف إن كنت تسمع مناجاتي ... فأنا أحتاج إليك ... وأخشى أنك حين تعود ... لن تجد مني سوى بقايا ... ذبلت وماتت مع كل يوم يأفل ولا تطلّ فيه ...

إيه أيها المطر ... لا تكن قاسياً ... وكن رحيم القلب كما عرفتك ... وبالرغم من غيبتك التي طالت ... سأنتظر حتى الرمق الأخير ... ولن أفقد الأمل في أن تكون لا زلت محتفظاً بحنانك وشوقك إلينا ... ولفرحة العودة ...

When a kind gesture turns into a nightmare!!

Khalidah — Mon, 30 Jan 2006 23:40:00 GMT

There is a big difference between acts of kindness and complete ignorance, and when we are blinded by our emotions, logic and common sense usually take a back seat and as a result; sad and tragic consequences are in order.

As I was browsing through the famous Arabic magazine; Zahrat Al Khaleej, I came across an article reporting two tragedies that took place in Jordan; specifically in Al Koorah.

The two separate incidents are about two families that were shattered by someone finally speaking and telling the truth.

After 24 years of marriage that resulted in 9 sons and daughters; Mohammed discovered that his wife is banned to him because he was breast fed by his grandfather's wife, and in a complicated chain of relations, he discovered that he married the granddaughter of his brother, and when the case was tried by the court, the ruling came horrifying to the whole family and they got a divorce right away.

In less than 60 days and in the same area; another case emerges and Ibrahim discovered that the breast feeding syndrome turned him into his wife's uncle, and again the court ruled that this marriage cannot continue.

Is it ignorance or stupidity? What is the fate of the sons and daughters who discovered after all these years that they were living a lie? How can this happen? And the more important question; is this still happening? If a new mother is sick and cannot breastfeed her child, are people still seeking other nursing mothers to compensate for the lack of breast milk?

I understand that in ancient times, when there was no powder milk or liquid milk on the shelves of any pharmacy or supermarket, that the need might arise for a substitute mother to step in and save the newborn, but when we have all the facilities and products to compensate and provide the child with a healthy beginning; why do we still go to extreme measures and risk future incidents like these to take place and wreck calm lives?

Let me go with the idea, and assume that this already happened; shouldn't there be witnesses to declare that this marriage is not allowed before it takes place?

I can't believe that we still have such tragedies. Whose responsibility is this? I suggest that with each blood test people take to check if they are compatible for marriage, they should check their histories as well to double check that the guy is not marrying his sister, aunt, niece, etc.

It sounds like an Indian movie, but it is tragically true and some people are suffering from the consequences!!

Boycott Shmoycott ... Enough Already!!!

Khalidah — Mon, 30 Jan 2006 11:58:00 GMT

When and where does this charade stop?

What does it take to make us think before we act? Why do we always tend to drag ourselves into the most stupid situations? And then we start whining how the west is marking us for stupid and primitive.

Despite all the effort that we do to build our personalities, despite all the education that we get, despite all the reading and knowledge, despite all the travel and exposure to the world, we still let ourselves slip and go with the flow of the masses.

Every time something or anything happens, make sure that we are going to boycott something because that’s what we are perfect at, boycotting.

I am telling you, we are so good at it; no we even mastered the art. Let me tell you, we start campaigns, we bombard people with emails, we announce the brands that will be included in the boycott, and we keep insisting and persisting till we get what we want and you better be careful mister as we are boycotting these days!!!

When does this stop for God's sake? When do we stop acting like a clan of anger and pure grudges? When do we start thinking and proving to the whole world that we are indeed civilized?

Instead; we continue to mark ourselves as the 3^rd world people who will never ever reach global standards.

For God's sake; stop all this nonsense about boycotting whatever brand, as this is not the way to make your voice heard, and please stop spamming us over and over with the brands that we should stop consuming. Did I say should? Well, says who? And what is the benefit? How are we affecting anyone by boycotting? Think again or better yet start thinking.

Boycotting shmoycotting; well enough already with the dark ages techniques!!!!!!

Makeup, yea or nay!

Khalidah — Sat, 28 Jan 2006 21:24:00 GMT

This obsession that has well known brands to continuously introduce new products and race to be the first to get it out in the markets before others.

The first evidence of using makeup goes all the way back in history to ancient Egyptians around 4000 BC, and there are also some records of Greeks and Romans using it. In 1800's, Queen Victoria publicly declared makeup as impolite. In the World War II era, though makeup was used casually in the west; it was still banned in Germany.

Geishas in Japan were very innovative when it became to the ingredients they used to mix their own makeup. For instance; they used crushed safflower petals to make lipstick, and they used wax for the makeup base and then added paste and powder to get the peculiar white color that characterized geishas.

Nowadays; the market is dominated by a few big names including but not limited to L'Oreal, Revlon, Christian Dior, Lancôme, Max Factor, Estee Lauder, Elizabeth Arden, Helena Rubinstein and many others.

The main purpose for wearing makeup is to make the wearer look more attractive, but when does it become too much?

There is a very fine line between attractive and quite the opposite, and what we are witnessing these days is the opposite. Some women turned wearing makeup into a task that takes more than it should from their daily routine, so they wear it in the morning adding a bit too much of everything, and then many times during the day, they have to fix it or powder their noses, add lipstick as if there is a need to do that and work a bit on the eye shadow, eye liner, mascara, blusher, etc.

I used to wear makeup on daily basis some years ago, and then I lost the passion for it, and it became normal that I start my day au naturel, without a touch of a brush here or a color there; it just makes me feel more free and at ease as I go through my tough long day.

Don’t get me wrong; I like a touch of makeup every now and then, or even light makeup everyday, but when it becomes an obsession on its own, to the extent that a woman literally cannot step out of the house without wearing makeup. Some take it to a more extreme level by wearing lenses to change the color of their eyes, and with dying the hair and the revolution of botox and collagen; I have to wonder if what we are seeing is true! I mean; who are these ladies and what do they really look like? Sometimes I feel that they themselves do not recognize themselves without makeup, and it had become their permanent loyal companion.

To me, makeup is a total yea until it becomes an obsession that turns people into unrecognizable creatures; then it becomes a complete nay all the way!

Do you believe in life after love??

Khalidah — Wed, 25 Jan 2006 15:30:00 GMT

Well, I do!!

I was just listening to this song by the great one and only; Cher.

It is true that we fall in love and probably out of love all the time, but what happens when you get your heart broken in the process?

Would you go like: Unbreak my heart? Or where do broken hearts go? Or would you go I am strong enough to live without you!!

Going through the experience myself; I went through the three phases. It started out with unbreak my heart, and progressed with where do broken hearts go, until I reached the point where I built my strength again and it was time for I am strong enough to live without you and I quit trying long enough … great song and so expressive; I just love Cher!!

I do believe that inside each of us there is a strong person that helps us bounce back and start all over again, and they used to say: no body dies of love.

It really takes a lot of courage to be in love and show it, and it takes even more strength to face everyone after breakup or a lost love, so if you went through this experience or are going through one now; dig up your internal hero and let him help you get over this phase; it's time to move on.

Never the bride!!

Khalidah — Sun, 22 Jan 2006 11:44:00 GMT

It is one of the major fears for any woman in this world to be given the title of "Spinster"!

I was sitting with my family members the other day and was listening to the ongoing conversation while doing my very best not to be included. They were discussing how young grandmothers they are going to be when their kids grow up and get married and have kids of their own.

This started me thinking of how old of a mother I will be that is if I ever get married and have kids, and it finally hit me right between the eyes; I am a spinster!!

Do you know the saying that goes like: "Always the bridesmaid, never the bride"? well, that's me!

According to the standards and traditions followed in our society; I have been a spinster for a long time now and I just did not realize how much this is affecting my family till I realized it myself. I started seeing the sad look in my mother's eyes, and the worried look in my father's gaze; they are worried that they will leave me alone in this world without the protection of a husband.

This is really sad!!

It is a fact that when you live your life with someone beside you to take care of you and be your companion is the norm and what should be happening to every one. But suppose that it was not meant for this individual to have this privilege; then what?

Why is it that a woman always is perceived as weak without the presence of a man in her life? Why should there be a male figure in her life? Can't she do it on her own? If she is trusted to run institutions and manage hundreds of workers, why isn't she trusted to run her own life?

Is it my fault that I wanted to wait for a right person for me? Should I be punished for failing in love? Should I pay the price of being a woman of strength? Why should I be blamed for acts of fate? Why should I accept that I need a man in my life? What if he never shows up? Should I put my life on hold and wait for male figures to give me permission to live?

It is true that in the eyes of family, relatives and society I might be a spinster; however; I will not allow this stupid adjective to rule my life and cripple me, I am a lady of strength and faith, and being alone in the world does not and should not mean that I am less of a person, and I will not accept to be treated with pity; it is something I despise and can't stand. It is by my choice that I am here now in this situation and it is also my choice to talk about it.

No matter how the society perceives me; I am still the same person with the same traits and having a man in my life will be complementary to my character and not a completion nor an extension of it. A man presence is welcomed and wished but only if he is worthy and capable of claiming such a role, till then; let the world call me whatever they like; I believe what I believe.

Gossip!!

Khalidah — Wed, 18 Jan 2006 12:39:00 GMT

We all know what the word means, don’t we?

But are we all aware of the consequences? Do we know exactly what effect gossip has over people's lives and futures? And even if we knew; does that stop us?

Experienced gossipers know their business quite well; all they have to do is say: I heard such and such and a rumor is on the spread, like fire in straw and it is seldom stopped or contained; in fact it only gets bigger and much worse.

Gossip has become a profession, especially for tabloid news hunters and paparazzi, who spend all their waking hours chasing celebrities to get some dirt as they call it, and sell it to the highest bidder or several of them; to them, this has become a way of living.

We all condemn such acts, yet we somehow enjoy reading about scandals and celebrities news.

In regular newspapers; we have pages for such news talking about anonymous people getting into accidents or killing each other over a conversation or any other piece of news that interests the public, and I say that because if no one was interested in these kinds of things, they would not be there in the first place.

You might be thinking to yourself now, that this is so normal and why is she blogging about this?

Well, my friends, the reason is very simple!

I am blogging about this because we have a new type of gossip that is emerging and strongly I might add. I am going to call it "E-Gossip" and this stands for Electronic Gossip.

What is E-Gossip?

With the new freedom discovered in blogging, and the power of blogospheres and blog communities; some would find this a suitable soil to start spreading some false information or unsupported news that might have all sorts of consequences on the readers, especially that you have the power of commenting and maybe adding to these news.

A blogger has a responsibility towards his/her readers, and fellow bloggers to have enough integrity and honesty in presenting his/her opinions, especially when addressing social issues that are highly subjective to public opinions. Personal accountability in this specific field plays a major role in reflecting both the blogger's and commenter's credibility.

In my attempt to search for good content blogs on the web; I come across a lot of blogs that are based on such gossip. Some bloggers pick issues that have impact in the society and are faced with a lot of contradiction, and this is not bad if it was channeled and directed properly, because I believe that conflict is good and gives opportunity for more brains to be scratched, and more pencils to be sharpened, which benefits all involved parties.

It is good to have discussions about different matters as long as they are based on a strong solid foundation of true credible information and not on something we heard or read about.

Last but not least; I would like to add that I am proud to be a part of a credible blogosphere and honest community like Jordan Planet; it makes all the difference to me to know in my heart that what I read in blogs of my fellow citizens is honest and credible and of very high value, and I consider all the time I spend in reading and commenting on their entries to be time very well spent.

Keep on blogging mates; we have a responsibility to make this world a better place to live in starting with our small community.

What is Love?

Khalidah — Sun, 15 Jan 2006 21:42:00 GMT

Inspired by my colleague Omar's post about True Love, I am asking this question to all those who supposedly succeeded in finding love, or were lucky enough to have been found by love … what is love?

I realize and admit that I am a total failure when it comes to love, the strange obsession that changes everything in your life and without you even noticing.

Of course there were times in my life that I was in love, or at least I thought I was. The common denominator in all these experiences is that I was never appreciated until I was no longer available; as long as I was in the relationship, I was pretty much taken for granted, but once I rebel for my poor dignity and withdraw myself from the unhealthy situation, they come back seeking forgiveness and saying they were sorry they had hurt me or let me go, or they were stupid … blah blah blah

I had more than my fair share of love or illusion of it that I stopped believing in it altogether. If love exists for real, how does it feel like? How do you know that you are in love? How do you know that this is the one?

I know that some of you will say that it is my fault and that I am the one who is incapable of love and that might be true. I really don’t know and have no way in finding out; I just feel empty from the inside, is this longing for love?

Let's hear what you think …

Now this is a dream parking!!!

Khalidah — Sat, 14 Jan 2006 19:38:00 GMT

I just got this via email from a friend of mine and imagine my admiration to this lovely arrangement.

The Writing under the picture: A Volkswagen Polo is loaded in the car towers of the VW Autostadt in Wolfsburg, northern Germany on Wednesday. The Autostadt, situated next to Volkswagen headquarters, is the company's themepark and distribution center where daily 5,500 visitors view Volkswagen brands like Bentley, Audi, Lamborghini. (Click to enlarge)

This made me sadly think of out experience in finding a parking spot in the rapidly changing Amman. You go to any part of town and it is a struggle to find a parking space to safely leave your car in.

Behind our offices in Sweifieh; there is a closed street where we can supposedly park our cars while we are at work; but guess what? Almost half of this space is owned by a hotel owner, and yeah the hotel is there but you never guess it is actually a hotel, but anyway, we are not allowed to park there.

Some of the buildings' guards actually reserve spots to some of the workers in the same building. I really don’t know how they get them to do that, but they just put some rocks to reserve the space and you cannot argue with them because you will be putting yourself in a compromising position which is unwise at the end of the day.

It just perplexes me how they fail to plan for proper parkings when they plan and build cities; it is really silly.

Beautiful City of Abu Dhabi - UAE

Like Abu Dhabi; if you have visited the city before you would know that it is filled with very tall buildings, but the funny thing is that you will find a block of these buildings with only one space in the center to represent a parking for all the people residing or working in these buildings. It takes ages for one to find a spot and park the car for the day or the night; I remember once that it took me 40 minutes to find a spot; I know it's crazy.

Parking in Abu Dhabi - UAE

This would make you think that they changed the planning for Dubai, but no, they did not. People in Dubai suffer from the same problem.

As everyone is witnessing now, the number of cars is rapidly increasing in Amman, and almost every working adult in Amman has a car, so it is a simple calculation for those planners. If you have a commercial building that has 10 offices in 5 floors. Let's say that each office has 5 people on average which is the minimum number any company can consist of, then at least you would need a parking that can hold 30 – 50 cars at least, and I know that no one would mind the extra rent if the office comes with a parking; I know I wouldn't.

Endless problem; it almost made me feel that having a car is a curse as well as a blessing!!

Were they trapped with questions or are they really that "shallow"?

Khalidah — Tue, 10 Jan 2006 22:02:00 GMT

Yesterday night, I was reading an article in the Jordanian Magazine "Living Well" and the least I could say is that I was shocked by this specific article.

The article is titled "What I like about you". The writer meets 8 of Jordan's most eligible bachelors to ask them about what they like in their dream girls.

I have to say that I was really sad from what I read, because these guys are supposedly a good representation of Jordanian men, and if the answers they gave are the truth about how men evaluate and see women; well then, I guess we are in a more dangerous position than I thought.

The questions lead these men to describe what they like and don’t like about girls' physique, and never once it hinted on what they think of a woman's brains and personality. The guys threw some hints here in there in a desperate attempt to show that they are not really focused on physical appearance, but as a reader; it sure did not do them any good.

In case you did not read the article; I am listing here the 13 questions those guys were cornered with, and they were as follows:

1- Do you like a woman to be skinny or more voluptuous?

2- What's the first thing you look at in a woman?

3- What physical traits attract you to a woman?

4- Would your dream girl be a blonde, brunette, or a redhead and why?

5- Do you like an outgoing girl who is a party animal? Why or why not?

6- Do you ever notice what a girl is wearing? Does style matter to you?

7- What look do you like in a woman, be it sexy, casual, elegant, girly, etc., and why?

8- If you go out to dinner with a woman who doesn't eat more than a salad, what would go through your mind?

9- Do you like a girl to wear make-up?

10- What is your favorite scent on a woman?

11- What physical traits are turn offs for you, and why?

12- Do you believe in the quote "Beauty is on the inside"?

13- Describe your dream girl's physical appearance.

Look again at this list of questions and tell me; can't you summarize them in 2 or 3 questions at the most? Whatever happened to a woman's personality and brains? Do all men want to be seen next to a doll no matter what? Is that their ultimate goal in their relationships? To be seen with the most beautiful sexiest dead gorgeous girl out there? Is that all what they care about?

Let's assume that yes that is exactly what men are after, what happens when this great physical appearance start to change and fade away? Do they start looking for another doll and forget about the first one? Or they get depressed and blame the whole world for their bad luck? What happened to reason and logic? No wonder so many marriages are collapsing and falling apart after a few years; if the man enters the relationship believing that he will always have a beauty queen for a wife, he will get the shock of his life when he finally realizes that even the most beautiful women change with time and other factors like having babies for example!

And what about guys and how they look like? Shouldn't there be another article interviewing the most eligible bachelorettes to ask them about what they like in their dream men? That's only fair if you ask me, because these guys did not hit me as the Arabic version of Brad Pitt, Nickolas Cage or George Clooney. In the end they are normal guys who are craving abnormal women!

What never changes about a woman and only continues to grow is her character and unique personality, but unfortunately; this was never a part of the questionnaire and the writer says that the secret is finally out about what men like and encourages the readers to "Read 'em and weep!"

This image that these guys appeared in is not attractive at all, and I am telling you that only empty headed women will like what was mentioned in that article and try to become the dream girl of these guys; physically that is; because there was no mention whatsoever to whether these guys wanted their ladies with brains or not.

No wonder the emerging generation is obsessed with plastic surgery and diets. I mean; these guys want goddesses for girlfriends and then they would be seriously alerted if this girlfriend ate only a salad for dinner … DUH!!!

The highlights of the conversations were really peculiar.

First guy said that humans should not have toes because he hates how they look.
Second guy says that it is a must that a girl has a gap between her thighs because he hates it how some women's thighs stick together.
Third guy says that a woman should have a luscious mouth because in his opinion; nice lips are a sign of greater things to come.
Fourth guy says that he is now a butt guy because he realized that if a woman has a nice butt, she must have a nice body.
Fifth guy says that he likes the chic look in a woman i.e. a girl who looks like a woman and oozes style and elegance.
Sixth guy says that he like the super feminine lady who is also pretty and gives off sex appeal without trying.
Seventh guy says that a woman has to have the face of Degas and the body of Botticelli.
Finally, the eighth guy says that designer labels are the least of his concern; if it looks good, then cool.

I will tell you what; I would love to see the women that these guys will end up with.

The reason I am posting about this is that I am really shocked of the facts mentioned in this article, and to ask you what you think. Do you agree with these guys? Or do you think that a woman has more to her than physical appearance?

After reading this article; I thanked God that I was never a dead gorgeous diva and I will never be, because if it means that I will end up with a guy who does not look into my soul and likes what he sees, thank you very much, but I'd rather not.

P.S. This post is totally and purely a reflection of my personal opinion and does not intend to critisize any party in particular.

My Last Post in 2005!!

Khalidah — Sat, 31 Dec 2005 22:33:00 GMT

What can one say to sum up 365 days???

How can you describe all the good and bad times???

2005 was very eventfull ... but not all on the good side.

I met new exciting people ... good!!
I also met some jerks ... bad!!

Found 3 good jobs ... good!!
Lost 2 good jobs ... and thensome ... bad!!

My sister got married ... good!!
My uncle died of cancer ... bad!!

I have a new baby nephew ... good!!
I haven't seen him yet cause he was born in the states ... bad!!

The list goes on!!

I thought that something really significant will happen to me in 2005 ... not only nothing significant happened but a lot of insignificant unhappy things took place instead.

I am sitting at home ... blogging!!

Weather is so cold outside ... but I really wish I had someone to celebrate the cold weather with, instead; I am sitting in a 4X4 room, with my loyal TV, and my buddy the laptop, and an interesting book to read ... what a lovely way to leave a whole year of my life and greet a new one ... but as this is the best I can do now ... I will settle that it is the best thing to do ever!!!

Happy New Year my friends ... clock is ticking and its only a few hours till we finally say goodbye to a long heavy frustrating year.

Am I depressed??

Khalidah — Sat, 17 Dec 2005 19:55:00 GMT

I feel down!!

For so many reasons and for no reason at all.

I feel numb!!

Paralyzed and still.

Sometimes it hurts so much to get up in the morning and drag myself to work, but I love my work and I guess that's what keeps me going.

Somewhere along the way; I lost my friends and it is so hard to go back and find them. Time have changed, they have changed. Making new friends is not as easy as it used to be, at least for me, now I feel too old for that or I am not mingling with the right group.

Most of the time I am alone, but mostly I am lonely.

Deciding to be a part of the solution; I stopped thinking of the many problems and complications around me and started thinking of solutions. Still, nothing amuses me, nothing makes me happy ... am I depressed?

Less Fortunate Schools ... or Teachers??!

Khalidah — Thu, 15 Dec 2005 10:29:00 GMT

Last night; I was having a very interesting conversation with my sister who happens to be an English teacher taking a long unpaid leave from schools and students. She was sitting there involved in some craft work for her daughter, because the art teacher decided that this is a suitable thing to torture the girls with, and it started like this:

Me: what are you doing?
My sister: I have to finish this for Majd (her daughter) because she needs to get a grade on it tomorrow
Me: do they still do these things in schools? my god, this is such a waste of time and talent, besides, she is not even doing it herself; which means that the teacher is not achieving the objective of the whole thing.
My sister: what to do? she(teacher) is sitting home now watching TV and I am stuck with this till 2:00 A.M.
Me: please forgive me; but I really need to laugh at this, it is so silly.
My sister: well; that's as far as the teacher knows
Me: she should evolve a bit and improve herself with something that is really compatible with life now. Kids in art classes are working on painting and maybe some graphic design, and she still teaches them to do some middle age craft work
My sister: well, it is not purely her fault
Me: what do you mean?
My sister: well, the ministry should pay more attention to what they are doing to the teachers
Me: what do you mean? from what I read; they are trying to improve things in schools and modernize methods and techniques; what more can they do?
My sister: It does not happen overnight. For example; when you force the teacher to include essays in their teaching plans; doesn't that need some time to be implemented? Teachers do not know how to teach students how to prepare essays and how to extract information from books.
Me: Come on; those teachers were students one day and they were required to prepare essays and papers, so they must know how to do that, all they need to do is pass the knowledge to students, how difficult is that?
My sister: are you kidding? when a teacher has 50 students in the class and has to control them and teach them at the same time; this is like a mission impossible.
Me: Isn't that a part of the job?
My sister: well, yes; but when a teacher has 27 classes to teach per week; where does he have the time to teach students how to do essays properly?
Me: how many hours aday does 27 classes translate to?
My sister: 6 working hours per day
Me: thats less than any other employee; government or not
My sister: but the normal employee does not have to deal with 50 youngsters driving him crazy
Me: every job has its downside, I guess.
My sister: what I think is that when the ministry wants to implement new technologies at schools; they should give some time for the teachers to cope and be confident to pass the knowledge to students. So take the essays for example; this was a cash cow for internet caffe's because students go to them and buy the paper for a couple of JD's, so no one is getting any benefit.
Me: You can't blame this on the ministry; they are doing their best, but they can't change each and every person, they have to want to change.
My sister: why are you defending the ministry? you were never a teacher so you would never know what I am talking about.
My sister's husband: well, she was a student and she thinks that all students are like her. Not everyone is a straight "A" student you know.

I smiled and ended the conversation

But, this got me thinking about what we call "Less Fortunate Schools", and had to wonder; is it really the schools or the teachers?
Each school has the same elements as any other school; they have classes, boards, equipment ... etc. It is true that some has less than others but that is not really the issue. What makes the difference is the teacher.
Teachers say that they are paid less and work more, but how do they measure and compare? Is it less fortunate schools? or less fortunate teachers?

First Things First

Khalidah — Wed, 14 Dec 2005 10:05:00 GMT

It is that time of the year again!!

The end of the year is approaching fast, and to tell you the truth; I don't know how we got here so quickly. It is not that far away when we celebrated the new year 2005 and here we are saying goodbye to 2005 and getting ready for 2006.

Numbers change and it adds a whole year to our lives and experiences and sometimes wisdom.

At the end of each year; I sit and evaluate what I did in the past year and put a mental note to do more things in the next. Sometimes I think of the things I wanted to do but did not have the chance to do them or maybe and to be more fair and accurate; I put them off till a later time.

It is amazing how I spend my days; I really feel that I am overwhelmed with so many things that I can't find a tiny opening for myself to do things for me. I do things for others willingly and with a smile, but when it comes to me; I am usually tolerant and careless sometimes; meaning; I don't really get hard on myself for not doing things for me.

What is it about us that makes us put ourselves at the very bottom of our priority list? why is there something more important or more urgent all the time? is this a human nature that we put others ahead of ourselves? is it an act of selflessness? or is it fear of being accused of selfishness?

In "First Things First," Stephen Covey tells a story that one of his associates heard at a seminar. The seminar presenter pulled out a wide-mouth gallon jar and placed it next to a pile of fist-sized rocks. After filling the jar to the top with rocks, he asked, "Is the jar full?"

The group replied, "Yes."

He then got some gravel from under the table and added it to the jar. The speaker jiggled the jar until the gravel filled the spaces between the rocks. Again, he asked, "Is the jar full?"

This time, the group replied, "Probably not."

The speaker then added some sand and asked, "Is the jar full?"

"No!" shouted the group.

Finally, the speaker filled the jar to the brim with water and asked the group the point of this illustration.

Someone replied that you could always fit more things into your life if "you really work at it."

"No," countered the speaker. The point is, if you don't put the big rocks in first, " . . . would you ever have gotten any of them in?"

As you start the new year, think of the "big rocks" in your life as the things you can do to make this a healthier and happier year for yourself and others.

The most important thing here is that you don't forget about yourself in the process. Give yourself some priority and work everything around that, be kind to yourself because if you are not kind to your poor self no one else will be, as people treat you like your treat yourself; if you love yourself you will be loved, and if you think less of yourself, others will think less of you and the list goes on. So if you are complaining about not being loved or respected, look within yourself and you will find the answer.

The Butterfly Effect

Khalidah — Mon, 12 Dec 2005 10:18:00 GMT

A butterfly flaps its wings... a hurricane strikes miles away.

That's what Chaos stated a long time ago, and ever since; his theory is being implemented in every aspect of life whether we notice or not.

I am sure that most of you have watched the movie "The Butterfly Effect". I sat there in the theatre with my friend and we just could not figure out what was happening. After half an hour; Sarah (my friend) was preparing to leave because she was not having fun; she whispered in my ear; that she does not enjoy when she feels so stupid and asked me if I was getting the movie.

At that point; I was still in the dark and could not know what was going on until it hit me and I was able to figure out what the movie was all about, and as I did, I just could not let Sarah leave because this was one brilliant movie.
What a genius; the writer (Same writer of "The Sixth Sense")*. How did he come up with such an idea? What inspired him to create a story around this simple yet very true principle?

The story talks about a unique kid (Ivan) who inherited an illness from his dad. He blacks out and could not remember where he was or what he was doing. He went through a lot of problems because of his friends, so his mom takes him and moves away. His therapist recommended that he keeps a detailed diary so that he might gain control over his blackouts. After he goes to college, he starts to think about his illness again and remembers his friends, and the blackouts return to him; only this time they take him back in time to the blackouts he could not remember.
He discovers that he can control this ability by reading the diary and going over the details of a certain incident and in a flash he is living it again and is able to change events, which affects everything in his life and history, and other people's as well.
The problem is that whenever he tried to fix something; it affects a lot of other things and he ends up with more problems than he started; hence the name of the movie is a good reflection of the whole idea; how a tiny small change of events could affect the future of a lot of people.

I started thinking; why do we ignore the butterfly effect in what we do and crave going back in time to change a tiny detail that would make a huge difference? After all; this is exactly what the principle is all about.

If a butterfly flaps its wings ... what effect would that make? It is a tiny butterfly that can not hurt anything. But there is a reason behind choosing this tiny tender beautiful creature to demonstrate this principle. So if this tiny little creature flaps its wings in one end of the world, a hurricane will take place in the other end of the world. That is what a butterfly can do!!

Imagine all the butterfly effects your actions are causing every single minute. What if we think of the concequences for a change? What if we had the Ivan's power (in the movie), what would we change about our lives?

What if each of us thought of anything they do or do not do as an effect that will cause something huge; either somewhere else, or some other time, or would affect someone else? Would that change the way we view the world? Would it change the way we deal with people? Would it change what we do or say?

If you still haven't watched the movie "The Butterfly Effect", I suggest that you do

* In case you haven't read the comments yet; my dear friend Naseem Tarawneh corrected me on a wrong piece of information I included in the body of the post. The writer of "Sixth Sense" is M. Night Shyamalan and the writer of "The Butterfly Effect" is J. Mackye Gruber; the two movies have different writers and not the same one. I apologize and thank Naseem for the correction.

Last time I was in Aqaba :)

Khalidah — Fri, 09 Dec 2005 18:54:00 GMT

In August; I decided that I needed some time off and that I wanted to be as near to the sea as possible ... so I went to Aqaba

I know ... you must be saying; Aqaba in August!!! too hot ... well; you are right, it was hot ... no make that very hot

But the sea was amazing and I took some nice photos ... I was digging in my folders and found them, so I thought they are worth sharing ... enjoy the views!

(Click on the pictures to enlarge)

By the way ... the flag was down because at the time; the country was mourning the death of late King Fahad of KSA.

Inspired by Roba's " La cultura del caffe"

Khalidah — Thu, 08 Dec 2005 23:41:00 GMT

Yesterday, Roba posted a nice topic in her "And Far Away" that was inspired by coffee; I am sure that you all have seen it :) .. it is titled: "La cultura del caffe"

This actually inspired me to post pictures of my own hand-made mug; and as I mentioned in my comment to Roba, while I was in Abu Dhabi; I went with some friends to a coffee shop that is called "Ceramic" - I guess -, and what is so special about this place is that you can draw and paint on your own mug, plate, ashtray or any shape you choose.
They give each person a choice of 5 colors, but I was with two friends, so we had a total of 15 different colors and we started our masterpieces .. LOL

I am so proud of my mug, and each time I look at it, I remember the 4 hours that we spent there; painting, singing, drinking coffee, laughing and having so much fun.

I have taken pictures of the mug from different angles so that you can see it ... hopefully; the way I do

Here is the first one .. KM are my initials

On the other side .. the word "LOLO" .. which is a nickname my friends used to call me

I have also taken pictures from both sides .. but the handle was broken and that made me so sad ... but I am keeping the mug in a safe place now :)

I have even painted the inside of the mug ... I love the color yellow and I thought that framing it with black gave it something ...

Finally; on the bottom I wrote the date this whole event took place and that was 24-2-03

I hope you liked my masterpiece ... and thank you Roba for the inspiration

What makes people happy?

Khalidah — Thu, 08 Dec 2005 10:01:00 GMT

A little girl asks her mother: "mommy; what makes people happy?"

Mother: why do you ask dear?

Girl: well, when you take me to school in the morning, and I see parents bringing their kids before going to their work; they seem unhappy. But when you come to pick me up in the afternoon and other parents come for their kids after they finish work; they are smiling and seem happy; so does work make people happy?

Isn't it amazing how children see the world?

What the little girl saw is that they were unhappy before work and seemed happier after they went to work, so logically work must have made them happy.

How long do you think it will take this little girl before realizing that what she saw was quite the opposite of what she understood?

As I was driving to work this morning; I was looking around me at the other drivers and they all seemed unhappy. I was telling my sister (I take her for the ride every morning), I was telling her that no one is even smiling, and if you do smile, people would think that a) you are crazy, b) you are flirting with them or c) you are making fun of them

How sad is that?

But the question remains; why don't we like going to work? Why do we see it as a burden?

I believe that each one of us should ask him/herself; what motivates me to get out of bed each morning? What is my passion? Is the type of work I am doing satisfying enough? What would make it better and gratifying?

Yesterday; my best friend was chatting me on msn and asked how I was; I told him that I was feeling kind of down because I have so much on my mind, so he told me that I should be happier and deal with my life in a better way, and then he told me this: 10% of life is made up of what happens to you. 90% of life is decided by how you react; apparently this is a known principle (the 90/10 principle) and then he sent me the whole article (by Stephen Covey).

WOW!!

If we all knew and dealt with our lives as this article suggests, I think we would be smiling and happier before and after work.

For your convenience; you can read the full article here.

Enjoy and keep smiling … you look better smiling!

When being yourself is too intimidating!

Khalidah — Tue, 06 Dec 2005 15:02:00 GMT

We always hear speakers and entrepreneurs who deal with self improvement and communication skills; we hear them tell everyone to just be themselves and everything else will fall in place. But how helping being yourself actually is? I haven't even thought about that before.

I have been working all my life to learn how to be comfortable in my own skin and just accept myself and be me; just me in its simplest unmodified or masked form. It is very difficult to reach this point where you are at ease with the way you look, walk, talk, laugh … etc.

There comes a time when you look around you and see how it looks to the other parties; are they comfortable with you as you are with yourself? Are they OK with the level of comfort you have reached? Do they get offended by the way you express your ideas or feelings? Do they see you like you see yourself?

I took this look and was not happy with what I realized. After some observation and thinking; I came to a conclusion that people do not like it when you are too comfortable with yourself and they even get intimidated by this one fact. It is almost as if you are trying to put them down or be superior to them just by being you.

Is it that we reached a point where people do not believe or trust any more? Is it that they get envious? Are they programmed to expect the worst out of every situation? Are we all programmed this way?

But what does it mean to be yourself and make use of it? To me; it means that no one can hurt me by judging me, and when they do judge me; it is an indication of a weakness they have. It would not matter to me if someone is wearing more expensive clothes, or is more beautiful or attractive, or driving a fancier car. Being me teaches me about my uniqueness and shows me how to put forward the good and work on the bad. Being me makes me make rational choices, cause I don’t get ahead of myself, it helps me be realistic and helps me manage my own expectations. It helps me become bolder to capture opportunities and live my life fully.

All these benefits and more tell me that I am doing what is right for me, and I will continue to work hard with those I care about to see things from my point of view, even if we agree to disagree; at the end we will have respect for each other, and that alone is an achievment.

Is it too late?

Khalidah — Mon, 05 Dec 2005 10:09:00 GMT

Sometimes I look at my life and what I had achieved so far and can't help but ask myself: is this really what I want? Was this what I dreamed of all these years? Did I always know what I wanted and went after it?

Sadly; the answer is NO

Growing up was so exhausting! It was bad enough that we had to struggle to become anything in a community that cripples any attempt to breaking free.

All I remember is my mom threatening me to tell my father if I insisted on doing anything she did not approve. My dad was the monster; when we heard him pull the car inside the garage; we used to crash in each other (me and my sisters) to run away from the way. It felt like anything he would have said to us, would be a punishment of some kind.

When I started developing some guts to raise my voice in projection; I remember that I was always on mom's black list. She thought that I would cause her some problems with dad and he would end up accusing her of not raising me well. All I remember is that I was boiling from the inside trying to break free from all the nonsense and just be able to dream and make something in my life.

I always wanted to sing. Some of you might say that it's almost the dream of the majority, but I was actually good at it and I have a nice voice. Back at the university; I went to the music section and did a test for my voice with the music teacher. He listened to me like someone who had just discovered something, and he wanted me to sing with the pianist "solo", because I had a pure voice (quoting him), but I was afraid to take any action because I would be killed if I did (another honor killing form), so I thought that my life was worth more.

Now and after all these years; I watch my past life like a movie and I realize that I did not live any of my dreams; they were all crushed at the rocks of reality. I ask myself; when do we say that it's too late? When does it become too late to think of your unfulfilled dreams? Is it ever over for one to think of lost dreams?

I know one thing; I will never do this to my children; I will help them pursue and fulfill their dreams no matter how much I don’t like them or approve of them; it is their lives after all and not mine!!!

A story I like to share

Khalidah — Sat, 03 Dec 2005 22:23:00 GMT

"I ran into a stranger as he passed by."Oh, excuse me please" was my reply.

He said, "Please excuse me too; wasn't even watching for you." We were very polite, this stranger and I. We went on our way and we said good-bye. But at home a different story is told, how we treat our loved ones, young and old.

Later that day, cooking the evening meal, my daughter stood beside me very still. When I turned, I nearly knocked her down. "Move out of the way," I said with a frown. She walked away, her little heart broken. I didn't realize how harshly I'd spoken.

While I lay awake in bed, God's still small voice came to me and said: "While dealing with a stranger, common courtesy you use, but the children you love, you seem to abuse. Look on the kitchen floor, you'll find some flowers there by the door. Those are the flowers she brought for you. She picked them herself; pink, yellow and blue. She stood quietly not to spoil the surprise, And you never saw the tears in her eyes."

By this time, I felt very small and now my tears began to fall.I quietly went and knelt by her bed; "Wake up, little girl, wake up," I said.

"Are these the flowers you picked for me?"

She smiled, "I found them out by the tree. I picked them because they're pretty like you. I knew you'd like them, especially the blue." I said, "Daughter, I'm sorry for the way I acted today; I shouldn't have yelled at you that way." she said "Oh Mom that's okay. I love you anyway". I said, "Daughter, I love you too, and I do like the flowers especially the blue"

Are you aware that: If we die tomorrow, the company that we are working for could easily replace us in a matter of days. But the family we left behind will feel the loss for the rest of their lives.

And come to think of it, we pour ourselves more into work than to our family an unwise investment indeed." story found on "evidyarthi"

Isn't it true that we tend to be harsh and provocative with our loved ones and we save the nice attitude and pep talk to those that are not even close to us? We are tuning the kind generous attitude towards one side without the other.

I am not suggesting that we become impolite with the rest of the world, but why can't we be nice with those that care about us the most? We yell at them and we don’t stand for a minute to think about their feelings and reaction to what we do or say. It is like we are taking them for granted and we count on them being there all the time.

How many times we heard adults ask young children: who do you love more? Mommy or daddy?

Just by asking this question; we assume that love comes by default. Just because someone is related to you by blood, you are supposed to love them unconditionally. Well, I don’t believe that any more. Love is a reflection of positive energy; when you feel love you radiate it and reflect it back. When you are given love; you will give back, but in no way when you don’t feel it or get it; that you will be able to give back.

As a second child in the family; I always thought that I had to prove myself real hard so that my parents would love me more than my beautiful elder sister and my smart cute younger sister. I subjected myself to a tremendous amount of pressure to impress them just because they did not know how to show me that they loved me no matter what. Only now I know that they do.

If you love someone; tell them and show them in every way you can because this might be your last chance to do so.

Running into old friends

Khalidah — Tue, 29 Nov 2005 21:26:00 GMT

When you live in a small place like Amman; its likely that wherever you go, you will run into people you know or knew at a point of time.

This happened to me lately in two different occasions, and boy they were different.

The first time; it happened at Safeway where I usually do my grocery shopping. I was so absorbed in my task going through the place and walking from one aisle to another to find my stuff (on a side note; this has become a difficult thing after the expansion they did; Safeway now is too big!). Anyway; while I am doing that; I hear someone calling my name. I turned around to come face to face with someone I really wanted to erase from my memory.

She was standing there with her family surrounding her; her husband ogled me and then left her side pretending to look around, and to tell you the truth; I never thought about why he did that, because I couldn't care less.

I really did not know why she wanted to talk to me; after all; we were not friends, we have nothing in common and she never approved of my "actions" back at uni.

I wished I could have turned away and just left her standing there; but being the polite me; I shook her hand and smiled, and she started chit chatting about her work, her life, her kids … blah blah blah

I haven't seen her in 11 years, and all she could ask me was: did you gain some weight?

Did I gain some weight??????

God! What a stupid question! As if it is not so obvious that I did gain weight.

She did not ask about where I work, or if I got married or what I am doing now or if I am seeing some of the old friends … NO!! she just was interested in my weight!!

For a moment; I thought: how do you answer such a question? And I decided to go for the simplest form of an answer and said: yes, I did.

If I told her that I am suffering from a bad case of lazy thyroid; and that stupid doctors of Dubai gave me wrong medication for a year … etc., she would have thought that I am justifying my situation in fear of her judgment, so I decided to keep my mouth shut and say bye with a smile.

The second time happened today, but it was Cozmo this time. I heard her calling my name and I turned around to see an old friend whom I lost contact with a long time ago; I was actually happy to see her. She introduced me to her son (5.5 years, pretty face and nice hair), he smiled and kissed me saying hi aunti. WOW! I really loved the kid. We talked and exchanged numbers to keep in touch from now on. It was a pleasant 5 minutes, and it felt like we were never apart.

What is so amazing about this is that I realized that I have the same feeling towards these ladies as I had a decade ago; the one I liked I still like and the one that stood on my nerves; well, she still does.

This makes me think about reunions. If we ever have one; would I be interested to go? Would I be comfortable seeing people I almost forgot about? Am I willing to put myself in a situation where I am judged according to how I look or my marital status or any shallow standard that shadows the way we are perceived?

Come to think of it; why would I do that? And what would be the gain? Do I need anyone's approval to feel successful?

Well the answer is NO! N and O

That was a stage, and it is over. There is no need to go back and open closed wounds, because if you do; you will never know what you are going to get.

When your heart grows as cold as a blue rose!

Khalidah — Wed, 16 Nov 2005 12:44:00 GMT

There comes a time in our life when we feel our hearts growing clod!
A heart is the source of life and passion; it is the indication of how we feel, as if it is triggered when we feel a rush of different emotions; happy, sad, afraid, secure, in love or in hate; it is all monitored and gauged by the heart.

The rush of intense emotions would cause the heart to beat faster, as if a hand crawls inside and gives it a squeeze; it tickles the whole inside of your being, and you feel it jumping up and down, causing your breath and words to be stuck in your throat, and then comes the calming feeling of relaxing after this effort, like a racer who just finished a marathon.

But what happens when your heart is no longer affected by anything?
Not a smile, not a touch, not a gesture, not a tear ... it just grows cold like a blue rose, frozen by the lack of emotions and feelings for a very long time ... nothing affects it anymore; it lost the color and texture of its true nature, and turned into something you don't recognize ...

A cold piece of stone that does a mechanical function, it gives life to vital organs, but the heart itself, lacks it

Irony? maybe, exaggeration? probably, but one I don't wish you to experience

FROZEN