Cinnamon Zone: On life

So Perfectly Ordinary

Tue, 15 May 2007 01:02:00 GMT

The other day I was watching Grey's Anatomy, the episode in which Dr. Ellis Grey, who has come down with Alzheimer, recovers her memory and becomes lucid for one day. Being a veteran in the world of surgery and an exceptionally successful doctor, her life was devoted to her career, and it was nothing short of extraordinary. She's even went off at her daughter for saying that she was happy with her boyfriend, for she considered this something that ordinary girls say, not a promising girl like her who should be focused on her professional future.

During her few lucid hours, Dr. Grey looks back at her life, reviewing and even regretting some of her past choices, such as not building a bigger family and not fighting harder for the man she loved. Then she starts to imagine how her life would've been if her choices had been different, till she says something that stuck too hard in my head that I can't get it out, cutting to the chase, she said:

"And I would have been happy, just like Meredith says she's happy and that would have... changed everything... Maybe I would be fine and we could grow all together and life would be so perfectly ordinary"

So perfectly ordinary. Lately, the perfectly ordinary life has been of my biggest fears. I'm just too afraid that my life will wind up like this: Go to school, graduate from college, work and make money, marry, have children and die. It freaks me out, the perfect life many people dream about. How many times did you have people nagging about doing this because "everyone does it" or not doing this because "people won't like it/ will think ill of you/ will think you have issues…etc?

On the other hand, this made me think that, however extraordinary your life is, you can't afford to give up the ordinary things. But, I'm I just saying, why not make something extraordinary out of the ordinary? Which I think is possible if you have passion towards what you do, and a clear goal in mind. I don't want my life to be and expansion of tradition, I don't want my children to grow up in a society where they are hushed up and called blabbering "philosophers" just because they try to explain a different point of view.

Going back to Dr. Grey, I don't think she really meant what she said. I don't think she would trade a life dedicated to saving people's lives for an easier life. Yet, I think she would go back in time if she had the chance, not to have a different life, but to strike a balance between two lives: one that was her source of satisfaction, and another one she'll probably die yearning for: perfect yet ordinary.

Racist inner child

Wed, 21 Feb 2007 14:38:00 GMT

So I was walking in the neighborhood today, enjoying the sun and tranquility of the place, when then stranger appeared around the corner and I was a bit intimidated... Now, why should I be intimidated? I see strangers in the hood the whole time, he didn't look like a bad guy in any way, he wore normal clothes, was carrying what appeared to be his lunch and to top it all, he wasn't even looking at me, he seemed to be drifted in his own thoughts, minding his own business. Now, I should be ashamed to say that what made me feel uneasy was that he had a dark complexion, a very dark one. He was black.

Since I felt ashamed with myself, I tried to justify this feeling by thinking: Well, maybe it's because he is a stranger not because he's black. If I saw an Albino for example, or someone extraordinarily blonde I would wonder..." Then I stopped here, I knew it wouldn't be the same, I would probably not feel threatened...

It's funny how we defy social stereotypes, cry out against racism, get bugged when someone makes a racist remark; nonetheless, racism still find sits way into our subconscious. You can't help it, because you can't detach from the society you live in, from all the media pitched at you... depicting black people as pimps, hitmen, highwaymen, serial killers, drug dealers, you name it.

I don't really know why I'm writing this, maybe out of frustration with myself, maybe I'm looking for the reasons behind my awkward reaction, I don't know, but I know something is wrong... seriously!

Inspired

Fri, 26 Jan 2007 13:49:00 GMT

The other day I read a story by Ghassan Kanafani, called ستة نسور و طفل(A child and Six Eagles), in which the narrator is a newly appointed teacher who taught in 3 villages. In his way in the old car, there was that rock that was the subject of some folk tales. It's all about an eagle that was seen standing on the rock in spring time, and when summer comes, the eagle is no longer seen there.

Everyone in the village had their own version of "the eagle's story". Some said the eagle stood there every spring because its mother was killed there. Others say that it was a female eagle, whose "husband" dumped her, so she stood there crying in agony till it dropped dead. Others were more realistic by saying that the eagle used to stand there before the police station was built, then some policeman shot it down. The teacher himself becomes so interested in those stories that he ends up making up his own version. At last, he learns from a child that there was no eagle at all, it was just a cranberry bush, that grows in springs and withers in summer.

Now the story made me think, how real is that? So real. I think it represents the reality that we all take pleasure in denying. I think it varies from one person to another, some people are more realistic than others, but even the realistic ones might fall in this. You know when you think of something in some way, then you start asking yourself why? Then you examine possibilities, and at the end, you come to the final conclusions and it's the one that appeals to you the most. You then start having doubts, but you cling to your conclusions, eliminating all other possibilities by the slightest shadow of doubt.

After that, when things start to clear up, you see that you were mistaken, and that's were the shock comes from, especially of you hadn't prepared yourself before. Sometimes things take long to clear up, and sometimes, you might give up and go on with your life, not wanting to know whether you were wrong or right. You think maybe it's better this way, keeping it as a nice dream, not wanting to know the truth because it might be so harsh.

I think the problem is when you don't know whether you're right or not, but at the same time, you can't go on with your life, you refuse to, or you just can't.

I think we all need that "child". Someone or something that will open your eyes to the truth, in a way that compels you to accept it... You might feel bad for a day, a month, a year, but it's never than living in illusions for the rest of your life, or finding out you've been doing so too late. I don't know if it's something to consider or investigate, but I do believe that you should pray to God for this eye opener to come your way. Pray, maybe you'll get a sign, and when it comes, don't dismiss it, neglect it or misinterpret it to serve the purpose of your own desire.

You know the only idea that helps me accept all this is that, if things didn't go the way you wanted, then they were never meant to be, and even if you felt bad, you should know for sure that it's better this way, because God knows best, and you never know what might happen next... Or what could've happened if things went the way you dreamed them up.

It's not as bad as you think. Or is it?

Yes You can!

Wed, 10 Jan 2007 21:33:00 GMT

So yesterday my boss seemed to be having one of his "catch'em unawarez" moments, and he went through some old lists which we the employees neglected as being "Old unimportant feeback reports that have been forgotten so let it go"....

Anyway, the way he spoke to me was anythign but pleasant, in fact it was enfuriating, so for the rest of the day and the following morning I felt like I hate this person more than ever, I even wondered how I would feel if he was hanged publicly... I couldn't believe I would be so rancorous as to feel happy! That's bad

Anyway, today, I was sitting beside the window waiting to receive a new assignment, so I tried to take a nap and buried my face between my arms... I woke up to a pounding sound on the chair, it was my boss, he was like: are you okay? I said yes and that I was waiting to receive a new file, so he just laughed and walked away. In that moment, I felt that I no longer hate him! I was like: He's not bad after all... I don't know if this is good or not, but I find it hard to stay angry with anyone, even if I don't particularily like that person... and it's working very well for me so far!

I'm not trying to show off as a good girl, you know I have a very dark side to uncover :D BUT, the point I wan t to highlight here is: For those who waste their time and energy on questioning other people's intentions, focusing on their shortcomings and making a mountain out of a mole hill, try changing this attitude... even if someone really did you wrong, let it go, the hatred in your heart hurts you first of all, don't let it get to you!

Great! Now I started to sound like Mahatma Ghandi! :s

Anyway, what I want to say is: if someone thinks less of you, it's their problem, they have no right to judge you... misunderstandigns usually dissolve with time... We are all people, so everyone must have a bright side somewhere! Ask yourself why you have problems with people. In fact, you have to come over your ego and second-guess yourself. Ask yourself why you have problems with people, why you judge people, why you assume the bad intention and how you don't like to be judged this way... And, most importantly,, how you can change all of this, the first step being to acknowledge it. Brush aside all that paranoia and suspecion, you're not the centre of the world after all!

If you asked me whether I'm happy, I'd definitly say yes. And I believe one of the things that contribute to this is that I seldom blame anyone for everything, I always end up putting part of the blame on myself, because it's easier to change yourself than to change others, and when you change your attitude towards people, they do change accordingly. It's called self-fulfilling prophecy, chocs!

Start with yourself, be open to your inner ego... You are yourself's best friend after all! (Nah that was trivial :p)

Disclaimer: Not to come off as a liar or a theorist, I have to admit that I do complain about work, a lot! but I'm trying to stay positive though! Suleen, if you're reading this, I guess you of all people will know what I mean :D

On judging people

Tue, 24 Oct 2006 00:23:00 GMT

In my first year at college, there was that girl who had that boyfriend and they were kind of showing affection publicly to such an excessive extent, in other words: makhdeen ra7et.hom... Once a friend of mine asked me soemthing about that girl, saying that her behaviour is so unacceptable, I said that I don't know the girl and didn't comment much on the behaviour itself...

Later on,in my fourth year, I became friends with that girl and got to know her better... I discovered that she's a very nice well-mannered girl, she's even religious though it doesn't show fromm the way she dresses... Not to mention that she had already broken up with that boyfriend and she no longer hanged around with him.

Now, my point is: Who are we to judge? As for me I learned not to talk about people, even when seeing them doing something wrong with my own eyes, for two simple reasons: 1) this is useless gossip and 2) people do chage... Actually those people might be better than ourselves and we don't know it. We also may change, we could become so bad ourselves... and no matter how bad we may become we can't bear it when someone judges us...

Moreover, I think we can do many other useful things with our time than spending it talking about people, actually it seems to me that those who spend time talking about other people are those who don't have many other things to talk about...

Just a piece of advice: Put yourself in the other person's shoes, and remember than you can not judge a book by its cover!