The Caller: Passion

Means of everyday!

Sat, 21 Feb 2009 11:33:00 GMT

** There has been some talk about faith, religions and freedom. All I know is, I can't breath without caring ...without hoping for his care. Allah

** My shadow since i was a little child...or is it me!!

** When love, hope and fear combine with my soul...those kids are the only reason i make any effort to do anything eachday.

** Painful deep love...vague intangible love...hopeless love. and this will always be the case for me.

** The world is how i see it...and how it reflects in my eyes. what others see is always different and i like that.

** When i discover new dimensions in my voice i feel i am in harmony with this universe. I speak nature's language and it accepts me...as pitchy/ deep as i could be.

** Enjoyment...luscious enjoyment.

** The one that was once there...can always be there...in my head.

** A scent of a memory that spells my name all over time.

** Passion in letters...shared passion in letters. and pieces of secrets.

** It's in my blood. It's unity and peace to me.

** I wish to live there for ever. same room, same view and same air.

** How rare, unique and proud...how deep and passionate...how it unveils from its core with time...yet lacks time.

** My mom fed me those with food... filled my head...and for the first time I admit it, it wasn't age that caused lack of memory and loss of collective knowledge. It was electric shocks.

** This country is compatible with me. I'm changing destination from Italy to Ireland as my reward.

Here and now...NOW!

Thu, 05 Feb 2009 20:26:00 GMT

I've been taught that focusing on Here and Now makes a huge difference in my perspective.

Here and Now is really tricky...is it the here and now as a phase...as a moment...or as an emotional status??!!

Then I thought, what about planning?!

Most people plan ahead...for their careers, for their kids...the future and rainy days!

And I too think about those and regardless of the fact that every time i stop for just a moment to think about the future and what rainy days might bring, I do panic...regardless of all that i can't help planning...short, careful plans...nothing that is overwhelming could find a place in my calendar.

Yet, I'm attracted by the whole Here and Now concept.

I can make my kids have a good time now...I can make my mom happy now.

If i save up for a rainy day in one or ten years...I might not live to give them that then.

So, Life and how exciting and frightening it is confuse me and I loose focus just to find myself running to that Here and Now spot and i pin my feet on its secure grounds.

A sunday to vent

Sun, 11 Jan 2009 10:34:00 GMT

Eno has been my friend for the past ten years or maybe more...we have the understanding, our set of jokes and we know each other inside out...we are so close at times of crisis and when we are forced to be distant. Just like now as she left the country for a scholarship...now, her being far is bringing us closer. That's weired if you ask me but, as we always are, this is me and this is her and that's the way it is...so, we are that type of friends...I might not see her for months although we live five minutes apart...but, Enka, I already miss you already.
I have this thing with cutting a cake and presenting it. I noticed that in the West they'd give you a piece of a cake laying on it's side...I would cut you a piece and plate it standing in the normal positions where all the frosting appears and not smudged...If it'd fall i would set it straight again. I wondered why we are different...Is it an east and west perspective?? I wondered, then I got it...hurray! They slice it thin...we take quarter of a cake each...of course theirs won't stand...it's so thin...it has no butt to rest onto...while we...ohhhh, we have the butts alright.
Speaking of food...no, I had no cake since the birthday party Inso threw me...yet, Quiting the smokes, freezing weather and having long vacations have caused (all excuses i know) despicable seizures of chocolate, marshmallow and...chocolate indulgence...Oh, and speaking of that...I have to greet Dear Inso for the amazing night companionship of six seasons of Scrubs to level my depression a bit.
I did vent out during the weekend, I did at some point decide to spare myself the headache of discussing a subject I really care about - when i care i get hyper tension - when i know it won't lead to anything or with someone that won't get it...yet, I lack self control at times...I got the hyper tension and the headache and l3ant salsafeel elly gabo ahl el discussions elly fe eldonia...what really amazes me is the amount of Jerks who feel arrogant enough to add to their jerkness a pile of crap by being condescending...kaman!!!
My kids hate my new hair color...kids are honest and simple so they simply gave me an honest opinion...they said: Mama, loon sha3rek we7esh awi ( your hair color is ugly ) and they had a confused look on their faces. thing is, a while ago i thought i'd refresh things with spicing up the contrast a bit and giving myself a darker shade of hair...i did, it came out black...it's a shock to say the least...it was dramatic...Adams family kind of dramatic...had to get Mama's saying on the matter, she said: rabena khala2 el blonds and el brunettes and khala2 ma3ahom a character to match...this is not you. yes, mom, it's not...and change can't be that severe...and no one can change who they really are... not even for the sake of more spice or more drama. and now I'm talking about life...not the hair.
I have a friend in Gaza. It's a group i joined because i do have a friend in Gaza...My friend in Gaza doesn't hate Egyptians, doesn't exaggerate, doesn't mislead others although he is the one suffering the long cold dark nights and taking all the fighter jets and its missiles. He knows we have a foolish crappy government, but he also knows that people of countries are helpless in so many ways....Now, people around the Arab world and within Egypt...people who are enjoying the comfort of their warm luxurious homes...watching hayfa on their LCD and driving around safe streets in their fancy cars are judging Egyptians, hating Egyptians and cursing Egyptians. I believe my point is obvious, I will not explain no more.
I have a brat for a boss and although the motherhood flooding in me can take his childish annoying behaviour...but not that childish nor that annoying behaviour. so, I smell a fight in the air...when he decides to come by the office sometime for a change and handle some work of course!!!!

A year away

Fri, 02 Jan 2009 20:46:00 GMT

It is another kind of reality for me, a new type.

When every type of incidents in life would occure at the same time and along the same day.

The strangest thing was being able to cope with it all.

Laughing the laughs, working while relaxing in a boat in the middle of the Nile, admiring charisma and charm of a picture enough to feel nurtured by a respectable amount of macho ism, Concentrating as much as possible to take all the knowledge i could, then cursing the heck out of someone who'd burned my heart, then getting exposed to a profound flood of art that filled up my senses with beauty and hope...surrendering my heart to a seven stringer to play all tunes of pain, love and joy.

And most of all, allowing myself to have the privilege of sharing all that with a " just right " friend...and, for the first time in my life, not hoping for anything or anyone else.

This is how I spent the last day of the last year.

All the negativity of 2008 was torn into little pieces and thrown in the wind.

All the positivity and what's in the heart is cherished somewhere tucked away till that day, Inshallah, when we would remember to unfold it, and that's only a year away.

About friends and love and when it's too late

Fri, 19 Dec 2008 02:00:00 GMT

This might be the first time in two years I actually do remember - on my own - something in details about my late marriage. As defence I guess I haven't been able to have detailed memories of the man I spent eight years of my life with...Maybe it was part of the healing or...well, won't go through reasons now. All I know is that i had to be asked or stirred by someone to remember stuff about him...not my life and how it hurt loosing parts of myself everyday, only him...his detailed features, his scent, his voice and what he meant to me.

Only tonight...a while ago and while watching a movie called Made of honor have i thought about my past marriage.

See, The movie is about how best friends turned out to be just right for each other and about how it is never too late to try gain your right to have the right person for you against all odds.

Thinking about it i found myself relating...My ex-Husband was a childhood friend...I loved him as a friend all my life, he was a little older than me so when i was about four he was about eight and understood that i belong to him even among the family...never thought we would end up together except when he first proposed and that was when i was 25, he knew how to get to me...after all we were friends and he knew about my keys especially that being me...I've always been the open book.

I felt loved, i was attracted strongly and my mind on the other hand told me - due to certain circumstances - that he is safe to be the one...there would be no surprises...he promised love and security in life and paradise after life...religion, which i was desperate to attain was his profession then and him being the European educated cultured man who spent most of his life abroad made me certain he won't be a bigot...he was perfect having it all....I agreed and was in a rush about it...no one around me opposed except for dad but his reason was only about money and money never meant a thing to me...especially back then...my dad was a man of democracy and he let me do what i want.

On the night of signing the marriage contract and telling the vows, to my surprise...I felt like chocking and couldn't stop crying...I felt driven...I couldn't stop even when i felt something was wrong...everyone was there and I had to let things complete...I kept crying and couldn't stop my self...my dad looked at me and his eyes watered himself yet he said no word...mom the same...the thought of asking for time to breath and gather what was wrong with me did crossed my mind but I didn't have the guts to say a word...just surrendered to the tantrum and in a couple of minutes it was all over.

the very next day things happened and I asked him to call the whole thing off...he worked his way around it and we kept going...a push and i kept going...then adapted to a new status...

A year after, we were ready to act upon that contract we signed, moved to a home and started a family...on that night and while heading for a hotel to spend two nights of honeymooning...I had the tantrum again and couldn't stop the sob...the limo driver was really uncomfortable but had to shut up as my ex didn't say a word to me nor did any gesture there was something wrong...days went by and a year later I had more reasons than I would like to remember to make me positive that i did the mistake of my life marrying him...Had already had my first kid and I had to give the kid and the picture perfect a try...and more tries along the years...when i was chronically Ill and drained out of my life...I collected what remained of me - and that wasn't much - and gathered my two kids around me and firmly ended it.

Moral of the story, not that best friends don't do great partners because they do...Actually i believe that the perfect lover has to be a very good friend...the moral of the story is, It is never too late to acknowledge an instinct pounding a message in your head saying you want out...that although your spouse must be your friend, your friend can't be your spouse without feeling he's Mr. Right...not that even that couldn't go wrong...after all, no one can predict what lies on the other side of the Nile...

Ironically, long time after that I realized what true love feels like, how Mr. Right fills the world with passion and how harmony and compatibility could sweep a woman off her feet yet she'd be so awakened to every glimpse of fact about him and how does it feel to have him feel the same thing exactly about that woman while sharing the same rhythm and the same taste.

yet, It wasn't in the cards to last...This time I followed an instinct alright...the instinct of doing the right thing and never saying it was too late to mend...It's never to late to do what feels right...even if it means living all my life longing for that continuous echo in my heart to be brought back to life.

Life, a Jukebox...and no one can pick the song.