The Caller: Friends

It is not a matter of trust

Fri, 13 Feb 2009 11:12:00 GMT

Will save the post the few extra lines concerning the flashbacks and Intro and I will jump right into the point that I need to put aside.

I've been having a strong tendency to test people I cared about enough to have them in my life or people I can't help but let them have the most minor presence in my life...friends and family members (mostly males) who shower me with brag and promises that they are the most wonderful giving considerate and supportive people ever!

They don't have it in them and i know it and i see it and i realize they go on and on and on about how they are willing to do this and that for me and how they are not like those people who let their loved ones down ...they keep provoking me to put their words to the test and see who's really up to it and honest and who's not.

90% of them failed simple requests of help and support ( sorry, but they're fake requests).

I have certain facts I'd like to include here to make the picture clear:

- I have never asked anyone for anything and I never show I'm desperate over something, simply because I try not to let things rule me.

- They are pretty sure of the above.

- It is not a trust issue...on the contrary I am someone who believes in kindness and goodness from all people till i see otherwise and even then i always have an excuse ready for them that allows me to love them as they are.

- Why have i done the testing??? I was provoked by over showing how wonderful they are...over repeating how different they are...especially that last one...the minute someone describes him/herself as different...I know I'll be seeing the contrary.

- I'm positive of this: no one loves and cares for real show off or keep rubbing it against you...love and care and devotion come naturally and smoothly because it's from some one's heart...someone spirit.

- After the failing, do i keep them away and stop loving them?? No, actually i know the excuses and i feel just sorry...I'm not a big fan of judging to the extent of shutting someone out...I know some one's nature...put it in mind...never get high expectations from them and that's it...most of the time nothing changes.

- Do I think it's a nice thing to do,to test someone? Actually no... although I never hurt or embarrass any of them...as far as they know ( which is true really ) I understand.

I never needed tremendous amounts of friends around me...most of the time one close pal is more than enough, again because I'm not big on letting my laundry ( dirty or not ) be included in someone Else's diary...yet i never cut with a friend unless i sense there's a mutual need to do that...even then, we have to check on one another every now and then.

I learned that good people are the only worthy thing in this world.

I learned that no one can deliver all i want at all time...we all have stresses and circumstances...besides, this is what real friendship is...putting up with each other's wackoes.

What I wanted to highlight by this is:

I need no promises of giving and caring from you, If I loved you, I'll love you as you are...and I promise to love,care and support you the best i know how.

A sunday to vent

Sun, 11 Jan 2009 10:34:00 GMT

Eno has been my friend for the past ten years or maybe more...we have the understanding, our set of jokes and we know each other inside out...we are so close at times of crisis and when we are forced to be distant. Just like now as she left the country for a scholarship...now, her being far is bringing us closer. That's weired if you ask me but, as we always are, this is me and this is her and that's the way it is...so, we are that type of friends...I might not see her for months although we live five minutes apart...but, Enka, I already miss you already.
I have this thing with cutting a cake and presenting it. I noticed that in the West they'd give you a piece of a cake laying on it's side...I would cut you a piece and plate it standing in the normal positions where all the frosting appears and not smudged...If it'd fall i would set it straight again. I wondered why we are different...Is it an east and west perspective?? I wondered, then I got it...hurray! They slice it thin...we take quarter of a cake each...of course theirs won't stand...it's so thin...it has no butt to rest onto...while we...ohhhh, we have the butts alright.
Speaking of food...no, I had no cake since the birthday party Inso threw me...yet, Quiting the smokes, freezing weather and having long vacations have caused (all excuses i know) despicable seizures of chocolate, marshmallow and...chocolate indulgence...Oh, and speaking of that...I have to greet Dear Inso for the amazing night companionship of six seasons of Scrubs to level my depression a bit.
I did vent out during the weekend, I did at some point decide to spare myself the headache of discussing a subject I really care about - when i care i get hyper tension - when i know it won't lead to anything or with someone that won't get it...yet, I lack self control at times...I got the hyper tension and the headache and l3ant salsafeel elly gabo ahl el discussions elly fe eldonia...what really amazes me is the amount of Jerks who feel arrogant enough to add to their jerkness a pile of crap by being condescending...kaman!!!
My kids hate my new hair color...kids are honest and simple so they simply gave me an honest opinion...they said: Mama, loon sha3rek we7esh awi ( your hair color is ugly ) and they had a confused look on their faces. thing is, a while ago i thought i'd refresh things with spicing up the contrast a bit and giving myself a darker shade of hair...i did, it came out black...it's a shock to say the least...it was dramatic...Adams family kind of dramatic...had to get Mama's saying on the matter, she said: rabena khala2 el blonds and el brunettes and khala2 ma3ahom a character to match...this is not you. yes, mom, it's not...and change can't be that severe...and no one can change who they really are... not even for the sake of more spice or more drama. and now I'm talking about life...not the hair.
I have a friend in Gaza. It's a group i joined because i do have a friend in Gaza...My friend in Gaza doesn't hate Egyptians, doesn't exaggerate, doesn't mislead others although he is the one suffering the long cold dark nights and taking all the fighter jets and its missiles. He knows we have a foolish crappy government, but he also knows that people of countries are helpless in so many ways....Now, people around the Arab world and within Egypt...people who are enjoying the comfort of their warm luxurious homes...watching hayfa on their LCD and driving around safe streets in their fancy cars are judging Egyptians, hating Egyptians and cursing Egyptians. I believe my point is obvious, I will not explain no more.
I have a brat for a boss and although the motherhood flooding in me can take his childish annoying behaviour...but not that childish nor that annoying behaviour. so, I smell a fight in the air...when he decides to come by the office sometime for a change and handle some work of course!!!!

A year away

Fri, 02 Jan 2009 20:46:00 GMT

It is another kind of reality for me, a new type.

When every type of incidents in life would occure at the same time and along the same day.

The strangest thing was being able to cope with it all.

Laughing the laughs, working while relaxing in a boat in the middle of the Nile, admiring charisma and charm of a picture enough to feel nurtured by a respectable amount of macho ism, Concentrating as much as possible to take all the knowledge i could, then cursing the heck out of someone who'd burned my heart, then getting exposed to a profound flood of art that filled up my senses with beauty and hope...surrendering my heart to a seven stringer to play all tunes of pain, love and joy.

And most of all, allowing myself to have the privilege of sharing all that with a " just right " friend...and, for the first time in my life, not hoping for anything or anyone else.

This is how I spent the last day of the last year.

All the negativity of 2008 was torn into little pieces and thrown in the wind.

All the positivity and what's in the heart is cherished somewhere tucked away till that day, Inshallah, when we would remember to unfold it, and that's only a year away.

About friends and love and when it's too late

Fri, 19 Dec 2008 02:00:00 GMT

This might be the first time in two years I actually do remember - on my own - something in details about my late marriage. As defence I guess I haven't been able to have detailed memories of the man I spent eight years of my life with...Maybe it was part of the healing or...well, won't go through reasons now. All I know is that i had to be asked or stirred by someone to remember stuff about him...not my life and how it hurt loosing parts of myself everyday, only him...his detailed features, his scent, his voice and what he meant to me.

Only tonight...a while ago and while watching a movie called Made of honor have i thought about my past marriage.

See, The movie is about how best friends turned out to be just right for each other and about how it is never too late to try gain your right to have the right person for you against all odds.

Thinking about it i found myself relating...My ex-Husband was a childhood friend...I loved him as a friend all my life, he was a little older than me so when i was about four he was about eight and understood that i belong to him even among the family...never thought we would end up together except when he first proposed and that was when i was 25, he knew how to get to me...after all we were friends and he knew about my keys especially that being me...I've always been the open book.

I felt loved, i was attracted strongly and my mind on the other hand told me - due to certain circumstances - that he is safe to be the one...there would be no surprises...he promised love and security in life and paradise after life...religion, which i was desperate to attain was his profession then and him being the European educated cultured man who spent most of his life abroad made me certain he won't be a bigot...he was perfect having it all....I agreed and was in a rush about it...no one around me opposed except for dad but his reason was only about money and money never meant a thing to me...especially back then...my dad was a man of democracy and he let me do what i want.

On the night of signing the marriage contract and telling the vows, to my surprise...I felt like chocking and couldn't stop crying...I felt driven...I couldn't stop even when i felt something was wrong...everyone was there and I had to let things complete...I kept crying and couldn't stop my self...my dad looked at me and his eyes watered himself yet he said no word...mom the same...the thought of asking for time to breath and gather what was wrong with me did crossed my mind but I didn't have the guts to say a word...just surrendered to the tantrum and in a couple of minutes it was all over.

the very next day things happened and I asked him to call the whole thing off...he worked his way around it and we kept going...a push and i kept going...then adapted to a new status...

A year after, we were ready to act upon that contract we signed, moved to a home and started a family...on that night and while heading for a hotel to spend two nights of honeymooning...I had the tantrum again and couldn't stop the sob...the limo driver was really uncomfortable but had to shut up as my ex didn't say a word to me nor did any gesture there was something wrong...days went by and a year later I had more reasons than I would like to remember to make me positive that i did the mistake of my life marrying him...Had already had my first kid and I had to give the kid and the picture perfect a try...and more tries along the years...when i was chronically Ill and drained out of my life...I collected what remained of me - and that wasn't much - and gathered my two kids around me and firmly ended it.

Moral of the story, not that best friends don't do great partners because they do...Actually i believe that the perfect lover has to be a very good friend...the moral of the story is, It is never too late to acknowledge an instinct pounding a message in your head saying you want out...that although your spouse must be your friend, your friend can't be your spouse without feeling he's Mr. Right...not that even that couldn't go wrong...after all, no one can predict what lies on the other side of the Nile...

Ironically, long time after that I realized what true love feels like, how Mr. Right fills the world with passion and how harmony and compatibility could sweep a woman off her feet yet she'd be so awakened to every glimpse of fact about him and how does it feel to have him feel the same thing exactly about that woman while sharing the same rhythm and the same taste.

yet, It wasn't in the cards to last...This time I followed an instinct alright...the instinct of doing the right thing and never saying it was too late to mend...It's never to late to do what feels right...even if it means living all my life longing for that continuous echo in my heart to be brought back to life.

Life, a Jukebox...and no one can pick the song.

Villa 55

Wed, 03 Dec 2008 10:34:00 GMT

This place is two streets away from my home. It seemed like a nice place. Gave me the impression as i drove by several times a week that this nice looking Villa which opened not so long ago as a restaurant is a nice place to dine and hang out...It has fences so I never saw it from the inside...only some lanterns, palms and a big inviting sign.

A Face book event announcement of a jazz and blues performer who is known to be good playing at the near by interesting place was more than enough to get me excited.

It wasn't easy for me and my friend ( Insomniac) to plan such an outing, we have obligations you see, but luckily we've managed...I treated the event with special care...so the new velvet shoe was on, the special occasion's perfume and a spirit attentive to receive beautiful Music.

As We entered the place and as we headed towards the down stairs entrance of the event we were stopped by someone who asked if we had reservations, My friend cleared the fact that there was no note on the Face book of that sort...the event was categorized as an open event...no specifications nor disclaimers were to be noted anywhere on the page.

She also asked for the Manager, she gave him the look...and OH, what a look...they were disorganized and unprofessional and she would have pointed that out sharper except for the fact that he promised to seek a place for us If we'd give him sometime and therefore we were seated in the open area cafe right in front of the event's door.

As we enjoyed a nice chat...waiting for feedback...the door would slide opened for people who arrived couple after couple...the show - then - wasn't on yet...as the door slid, I could see centre stage...In glimpses and peeks...I could see preparations on the stage, the performer tuning his music...the performer starting to sing...the door would slide and I could hear a tide of Nina Simon's My Baby Just Cares For Me...and I would go...oh, I loved that...the door would slide again and I could hear a wave of Ella Fitzgerald's I've got rhythm...and my heart would fly over their...then the door would shut again...the performer faced the door...he faced me every time the door opened...I could see him looking out...he wasn't looking at the many people walking around the stage...he was singing for no one...as if looking at a vacant space...he sounded so so so good...We realized that an hour has passed and the Manager didn't come back to invite us in...We wanted to seek him inside the place when a 2 meters tall body guard stopped us at the door...he said Bluntly: veiled women are not allowed In the pub!!

I felt heat up my brains, anxiety was about to attack me so I said: Why didn't he say so??!! That is unprofessional and unacceptable and he should have had the decency to let us know instead of making us wait for more than an hour thinking he's fetching a place for us inside!

Simultaneously my Friend stated the same facts and more...expressed how rude and unacceptable that was and powerfully and proudly asked for a paper to leave a note to the performer as she didn't care for the place enough to leave a guest note for the Owner.

the Body guard blamed the evasive Manager and showed understanding for our situation...he apologized and offered delivering My friends note to the performer...she took the waiting seat and started writing a note briefing what has happened to the preformer asking him to pick the place for his good music and feed her back...I sat beside her spotting the sliding door...it opened again and he was singing a Sinatra's...I felt oppression in the ugliest form...the tunes were a few steps away and i was forced out because I covered my hair!!!! another wave of tunes hit me as the door slid and i saw him again and heard him sing NEWYORK full voice...then it faded again...and a tear had to come out...

See, at a time very very recently i was torn between my will to obey Allah and maintain my veil...and between how attractive and liberated I would feel without it...I didn't have the heart nor courage to take it off...yet I didn't have enough modesty to keep it pleasantly...

Right there and then...as the door slid open to give me a tide of music which is my passion...and as the door slid to give me a glimpse of where i wanted to be...and where i felt oppressed without any reason...and where i felt degraded because of a conviction or a dress code...however it meant to anyone...I felt sharp sadness in my heart...that at a point I wanted to belong to the attractive fun life of the norm...I wanted to be accepted among the nice living...I wanted to see admiration in the eyes of people for how I look...I wanted to feel young and not categorized and not judged...I wanted to mingle with the modern...I wanted to change to accept myself so that others would accept me...

But those kind of others are oppressors...just like the religious scholars who define good and bad people by what they wear...My cover was bad enough to keep me from enjoying good music...and other's revealing outfits keeps them from enjoying the company of some conservative good people...or wherever place that would identify people by their appearance...

At that moment and as the tear rolled down my cheek noting that I'm more of the tough type than of the fragile one...Right then and there...se3eb 3alaya 7egaby...se3eb 3alaya that at one point I was thinking of letting it go because of all the previous stated but mostly because i felt down inside that i wasn't good enough for it any more!

My friend is a sweet heart...she left them the note after she made sure she stapled it...smiled out the situation and kept us going out of a gloomy mood...and instantly and parallelly i enjoyed a drink and a muffin in a nearby cafe while I had the tides of music echo in my ear....we had a very nice time talking other life issues...waved the night goodbye and retreated to the comfort of our own homes.

Acceptance Isn't the simplest trade and people will forever serve injustice mainly towards themselves.