The Caller: Jobless phase

Force

Mon, 15 Oct 2007 20:31:00 GMT

I've heard it..I've used it..'cause as long as force exists among people..some one will assault and another will defend..and both can say : I had to!

If you sit among rebellions and hear them rhyme their thoughts..the power of their hearts refusing what's being forced on them..you will feel that you wanna eliminate every living man in command..and if you sit among policemen and hear the words of influence...the way they have to stick it up some big fat drug dealer...you'll think...oh...but they're excused..they had to!

The fact is...the world has become two groups...one is wanting to eliminate the other and each sees the other party as the wolf ..

On the other hand...how many times have we had to do something to retain a right or push away a fear and we say..we were forced to do this or that...

Force is something that was supposed to be God's will...nature wise...destiny wise...not something we use to play god with little people just like Chess...who ever is weak and small now and may seem an easy task to play with...will learn from that force used against him and will develop his own set of claws...no more the lamb.

I gave in

Thu, 04 Oct 2007 00:58:00 GMT

Three jobless days did it for me..i couldn't take it anymore..and i gave in!

Couldn't say no to the great efforts they've done to retain me..with a modified job description which was cut to fit thier requirements..all and all it's not bad..but with less control i work well and i do it all but lifeless!

The enthusiasim failed to stay alert...the great feeling i used to have melted..

I feel that i have to work...not that i love to work...

I returned cause i couldn't fail their love and trust...and i returned cause i couldn't stand staying at home not doing anything...

So..I gave in!

To me..and to them..

Maybe some day I'll do what i want professionally...who knows!!

I'll go with the flow...for now...

The weired thing..is that i still have a trace of the jobless feeling.

Second jobless night

Mon, 01 Oct 2007 23:31:00 GMT

I had to be mean..i was angry..what do u expect!!

I realized the scheme and the smooth trap i fell into...

Returned home with a burning soul...after breakfast i went out and couldn't help but let go of my burning tears..don't ask me for what and don't tell me it's not worth it..cause it does..

There's a lot into it...a big waste of my efforts...and a big waste of my emotions..

All flushed in the toilet mainly cause I'm stupid to have fallen into the pit!

Now I'm home..looking at the clock knowing i have all the free time in the world..and knowing I'll have that longing feeling for so long nights ahead..

I had to do what i had to do...and simultaneously i screwed up some more important relations..

Regret is a sore word..and has an aching feeling..and it fills me..

yet...I'm longing...badly..

First jobless night

Sun, 30 Sep 2007 21:28:00 GMT

It's still early..but my first jobless night began..

Smoke is filling my air..a vacant view of tomorrow is filling my eyes..a hollow cold core is filling my heart..

I'm tuning to some silly music while I'm writing this..

I don't know how to describe the feeling..is it anger..is it fear..is it remorse..?!!

I used to go to sleep every night knowing i have something to wake up to...now I'll wake up-if i do-to thoughts of what I'm gonna do next..

Should i search for a job or go after an old dream or just get busy with a hobby?!!

Mixed emotions..lots of mixed emotions haunt me as there's a lot of existence of different aspects melt into this phase and the past one..

Two mobile phones are dead calm beside me..and a big question mark is pulsing in my mind..

Phases are folded like old letters in my head..like life and death..things die for another to live..

Fearless is my heart..yet..i tremble..

What will be will be....right?