The Caller: Fatigue

A corrupted manual

Sun, 26 Oct 2008 22:27:00 GMT

It is not an easy thing to realize consciously that you are not behaving as normal people would do in certain situations and have no power or will to change your behavior into something more socially accepted.

It is easy just to accept the way you feel and the way you ache and just be yourself.

It is not an easy task to stop your mind from thinking in a certain way that you know for sure can trigger more pain and sore feelings.

It is easy to surrender to fatigue, let go, drop your hands weak and give up trying...but for some, that's even a harder task...when it's impossible to drop on your knees, lie down and accept the crawling sensation of fainting just to enforce a necessary shut down.

Earlier this morning right after dawn, and after I received that phone call from my brother telling me in a reluctant voice that our grandmother, My late daddy's mother has passed away, I felt...tired...I felt beat...I cried, not loud ugly cries, not hurtfully, I cried quiet sad tears...a minute it was because I was crying my dad actually, still not over not having his hug...protection...content. another minute I was crying because I'm going to miss her, or because I was terrified of her situation at that moment...but the most overwhelming feeling was that I am tired, exhausted...and the only thing I needed at that moment was for hiding in my daddy's chest, reassured and safe where it was OK for me to feel fragile, weak and scared.

My kindhearted brother was reluctant because he knew I was tired already...I, as I stepped in my grandmother's house, hugged him tight...I knew he felt the same...the same daddy' scenario is replaying bit by bit...even the same faces, the same talk, my aunt calling and crying and screaming for her mother who laid in her room...dead.

The Idea itself is so uncomprehendable...for someone to suddenly NOT exist. Becomes lifeless...all his belongings loose their owner...his place is emptied...his presence becomes a past...his opinion, worth, history are no longer his...they are someone else's to mess them up.

Typical Egyptian Ladies talk too much, reassuring us that heaven is granted...that they were so sad, they had lots of loud sobbing to prove it anyway...and I'm sure most of them really meant it...I was the unnatural one...just kept mumbling to myself: la elah ela allah and asking for mercy to be granted to my grandmother, father and all the dead.

I stayed with my aunt till noon, I couldn't say a word, and actually I couldn't force my self to...didn't want to force myself...or, didn't have the energy nor the will to do anything but what I felt...and I felt tired, sad and numb!

Around noon, I started to feel very sharp cramps in my abs...They became sharper and sharper but I had to take the pain and shut up...

As the doctor and the nurses who were supposed to prepare the deceased for her final trip arrived, I received a phone call from the office asking about me...I realized I'll be messing the whole day for them especially that the keys for the safe, doors and the CEO's office were at my possession.

I had to leave...headed for the office...the cramps became sharper...the CEO felt for me and took me to a nearby hospital where the Doctors in the ER said that it was my nervous system playing the physical game on me...again!

Prescribed me a muscle relaxant...then, I insisted on going to the office...the CEO started the: maysa7esh ya madam Rasha, you have to attend the funeral.

He nagged, I said: Mafeesh 7aga esmaha elmafrood...mesh 7a2dar ashoof daddy's scenario tany...mesh 7a2dar asma3 soot 7ad beysarakh aw bey3ayat...

I'm going to the office!

Went there, I could see them around the office puzzled not knowing how to handle how hyper yet quiet i was...I finished a great amount of work...hiding in my documents...being the Machiavellian that I am, took advantage of my situation and enforced a decision or two on the CEO and got what I wanted...They were in place though...I do have ethics...

Among all the chaos in my head, a nice breeze of kindness or two blew in my way...I am blessed, I know.

And a mean selfish steam or two tried to annoy me...but, nothing could hurt me more than I was already.

The typical manual in relating to similar situations is corrupted in my system.

I don't know if I'm becoming less sensitive or what...but, after my dad, I doubt that anything would come close in effect.

May all people find the peace of mind, heart and spirit.

Amen.

Condition

Sat, 02 Aug 2008 12:03:00 GMT

Actually no, I didn't see it coming although i should. I spent the last two days in what is so close to a coma...I wake up Thursday morning - which was off at my work - not able to move from my bed...I wasn't able to see clearly, I had this mild headache that felt more like a huge pressure on my skull rather than a sharp pain in my head...Couldn't sit straight, talk, hear a sound or see a light...couldn't breathe easily.

I thought I was exhausted from a long week at work...so i kept sleeping and mom made sure the kids left me at peace...several hours later it wasn't any better...the pressure was worse...I knew i should headed to the hospital but i couldn't even put on my clothes and drive my car...I didn't wanna scare my mom and kids out so i kept sleeping...I woke up Friday at 18:00 pm.

It was weired to realize how much I have been unconscious...I, then, felt so light headed...no pressure, no thoughts, weightless...yet i couldn't move a muscle and i realized I should get some help.

I told my mom I had an Important thing to do and i went out and headed to the nearest hospital...the only thing that was on my mind was how i didn't see that coming...wondering...howa ana 3agezt wala eh?...thinking about my kids...and thinking about my kids.

Based on the Doctors diagnosis, I should've stayed there...but i hated freakin' my mom and kids.

Conclusion: I have a condition that i should watch out carefully what i eat, think, feel and move...a surgery would handle the matter quicker but i decided not to do so...I'm gonna follow the slower way hopefully Allah beysalem.

I'm powered off!

Mon, 12 May 2008 21:36:00 GMT

For the last time...

Fri, 28 Mar 2008 18:10:00 GMT

I don't know why I'm writing this to you now. all i know is that i feel like I'm dying slowly from the inside.

I can't stand the pain...I'm tired and heart broken.

It's been months now yet I can't see but YOU.

For the last time,

I've never loved nor I will ever Love but you.

*An unbearable, unread and unnecessary message folded by lots of tears and despair*

Numb Eyes

Fri, 07 Mar 2008 09:58:00 GMT

A big picture made of Mosaic drawing a numb face...lots of little patches draw the eyes...Gaza patch ..all in yellow..why yellow? Maybe sickness from all the death, screaming and world silence..Kids patch..dying kids over there..Dorra's picture shadows all..still shadows all every time i see a kid dying on the other end of the screen that has become our little world..that's how it's pictured...the more it aches the more we tend to shut it off...while over there it's still turning and burning and Killing.

Human patch..Human arrogance that destroys all values of Justice and beauty...no winner in this war...as the victim is the killer: Humanity!

And Humanity doesn't stop with witnessing Inhumanity...People still eat, mate and sleep..that's how the self centered patch looks, full of mosaic tiny pieces in it's own...my hectic work that left me last week with a killing sore back and heels...my amazing therapeutic new phase...my last trial to save a save-less friendship, I guess no need to struggle...it's meant to be! ...Experiencing new little flares of hope that maybe someday a devoted amazing spirit may get rewarded by gratitude...trying so hard to maintain professionality where it was killed long ago by unreasonable giving...

Faith patch...Identifying a true self cored meaning of what people take for granted from the mouths of others whom are so far from being truly faithful themselves...Knowledge patch..gotta figure out what - this time- that i really need to learn more about.

Family patch...Who's family? who are friends? who's real?...will always love them all anyway. Money patch...those little patches...colored and numbered just to make an easier living and....some little discoveries!

Those were the eyes...Only the eyes...and that's enough for a numb picture to be really numb.

Oh, Only 0.5 kg this week.