The Caller: Heartache

A sunday to vent

Sun, 11 Jan 2009 10:34:00 GMT

Eno has been my friend for the past ten years or maybe more...we have the understanding, our set of jokes and we know each other inside out...we are so close at times of crisis and when we are forced to be distant. Just like now as she left the country for a scholarship...now, her being far is bringing us closer. That's weired if you ask me but, as we always are, this is me and this is her and that's the way it is...so, we are that type of friends...I might not see her for months although we live five minutes apart...but, Enka, I already miss you already.
I have this thing with cutting a cake and presenting it. I noticed that in the West they'd give you a piece of a cake laying on it's side...I would cut you a piece and plate it standing in the normal positions where all the frosting appears and not smudged...If it'd fall i would set it straight again. I wondered why we are different...Is it an east and west perspective?? I wondered, then I got it...hurray! They slice it thin...we take quarter of a cake each...of course theirs won't stand...it's so thin...it has no butt to rest onto...while we...ohhhh, we have the butts alright.
Speaking of food...no, I had no cake since the birthday party Inso threw me...yet, Quiting the smokes, freezing weather and having long vacations have caused (all excuses i know) despicable seizures of chocolate, marshmallow and...chocolate indulgence...Oh, and speaking of that...I have to greet Dear Inso for the amazing night companionship of six seasons of Scrubs to level my depression a bit.
I did vent out during the weekend, I did at some point decide to spare myself the headache of discussing a subject I really care about - when i care i get hyper tension - when i know it won't lead to anything or with someone that won't get it...yet, I lack self control at times...I got the hyper tension and the headache and l3ant salsafeel elly gabo ahl el discussions elly fe eldonia...what really amazes me is the amount of Jerks who feel arrogant enough to add to their jerkness a pile of crap by being condescending...kaman!!!
My kids hate my new hair color...kids are honest and simple so they simply gave me an honest opinion...they said: Mama, loon sha3rek we7esh awi ( your hair color is ugly ) and they had a confused look on their faces. thing is, a while ago i thought i'd refresh things with spicing up the contrast a bit and giving myself a darker shade of hair...i did, it came out black...it's a shock to say the least...it was dramatic...Adams family kind of dramatic...had to get Mama's saying on the matter, she said: rabena khala2 el blonds and el brunettes and khala2 ma3ahom a character to match...this is not you. yes, mom, it's not...and change can't be that severe...and no one can change who they really are... not even for the sake of more spice or more drama. and now I'm talking about life...not the hair.
I have a friend in Gaza. It's a group i joined because i do have a friend in Gaza...My friend in Gaza doesn't hate Egyptians, doesn't exaggerate, doesn't mislead others although he is the one suffering the long cold dark nights and taking all the fighter jets and its missiles. He knows we have a foolish crappy government, but he also knows that people of countries are helpless in so many ways....Now, people around the Arab world and within Egypt...people who are enjoying the comfort of their warm luxurious homes...watching hayfa on their LCD and driving around safe streets in their fancy cars are judging Egyptians, hating Egyptians and cursing Egyptians. I believe my point is obvious, I will not explain no more.
I have a brat for a boss and although the motherhood flooding in me can take his childish annoying behaviour...but not that childish nor that annoying behaviour. so, I smell a fight in the air...when he decides to come by the office sometime for a change and handle some work of course!!!!

Fools in command

Sun, 04 Jan 2009 00:02:00 GMT

In a four x four room…In a cold lonely night

After babies have slept....And all seem quiet

I turn to a screen, of a pale gray picture

Hoping for a distraction, a laugh…a lame lecture

A song plays old, of faraway pains

Blood and wounds…An image of rage

They tell a story of a kid, a father…a land that once belonged

To a distant meaning of humanity. It had a story of some killings

A thousand scar and a forbidden Surrender to the other side

Any side…any tide, even an end…a closure

They play tunes and sing songs…To tell the story to which it belongs

As if it’s news…a form of legacy, yet, it’s not forgotten…abandoned…but,

It’s painful hearing those words, I know the story…stop those swords

My heart is aching as I lay still in bed Listening to vibes…not moving instead

Those tears are chocking me…I can’t breathe anymore

I can’t move a muscle or walk out that door

I want to shield those people from bullets and fire

I want to fly away to demolish that invasive desire

But, I’ll grab a tissue for now…and wipe away my tears

The chocking won’t relief or shut away my fears

Maybe I need to learn about aiming and shooting

Maybe a song will be written, someday to mourn my land

That day a picture of men I knew will make it to the stands

That day I’ll hold the gun and lend a hand and pay my dues

Like every other person in this land of fools

As fools repeat every sin again, again and again

A closed dumb circle of misery and pain

A blind justice rules and verdicts are all the same

More hurt, more loss, more agony and strain

I am still in bed…holding those tissues

Tearing them into a million tears

I won't handle the lot anymore

I'll throw them in a basket…change the channel

Shut a window….the door and a heart that' sore

Will wait for the words of fools

And fools in command

Although...I know...I'll never understand

Never understand

Heart Wash

Sun, 17 Aug 2008 21:39:00 GMT

Sometimes I see your eyes love me

But wanting me is what broke me

Sometimes I relive my past with you

first was love...bitterness lasted too

I wish you'd feel more pain

I wish my love wasn't in vain

I hope you'd ache forever

I hope you'd find no pleasure

I know...I need...a heart wash

I feel...I need ...a heart wash

Remember when you forced your soul on me?

Remember when you acted so surreal?

Remember how i held you in my heart ?

Remember how you kissed it then throw it far!?!

I know you can't feel anything at night

I know you'll buy yourself someone tonight

I see you now thinking and smoking away

All feelings of any humanity you lived today

I know...I need...a heart wash

I feel...I need...a heart wash

I wish you'd cry every time you hear a love song

I wish you'd cry every time you feel you won't belong

I wish you die for a touch every minute you live

I wish you'd find no one who can forgive

I wish you'd feel lonely in every crowd

I wish you'd dream of me and say my name out loud

Can't hope for more

Can't feel but sore

Can't and won't be your toy

you'll always find my pain your joy

I know...I need...a heart wash

I feel...I need...a heart wash

Just like that!

Sat, 09 Feb 2008 00:22:00 GMT

It's like a pinch...a pain that lasts for seconds and you'd forget all about it...

It's like that last drag of a cigarette...the deep inhaled smoke and the thick exhaled breath...and squeezed off is the rest...

It's like the after taste of bitter medicine...some sugar would erase it away...

It's like a sock soaking wet...making you feel so heavy...just needs to be changed...

It's like a very bad hair day...a pin and a brush would gather all the frizz ...

It's like the sand stuck in your shoe...you'll shake it off ..

It's like the good sunny afternoon that would make you look hot in your new black shades...

It's like the hair you'd accidentally find in your steamy rice bowl...you're too hungry to throw the food...only the hair will go ...

It's like the first two verses of your worst poem...need to get the rubber and start rhyming...

It's like all that and more...

All tiny annoying things that will eventually vanish...

Day after day...your picture will fade away...become more and more absurd...ridiculous to remember and cheap to hold...

Every breath I'll take and every morning I'll wake will draft you more and more away...

To me...you're becoming...just like that!!

SAY IT !!!

Sun, 20 Jan 2008 23:08:00 GMT

I Say: SAY IT !!

Know when your so polite you don't wanna hurt who hurts u??

When u are extra caring...extra decent...extra giving...extra QUIET??

Well, Although i had the courage finally to pick up the phone and call the doctor for help...i decided that there are a couple of problems that i have to take care of. I just need to open my mouth and say it.

First, I sat in front of the screen...put my fingers on the keyboards...took a deep breath while sitting straight...smiled and typed the following:

Dear Boss,

With reference to our previous discussion regarding my salary and derived from the offers i received lat November which you know of...please note the following:

Since I worked here I've been doing the work of five departments...supervised all departments, been the sales manager, been the admin, been the PR manager and more.
I've been paid half what national companies pay to one employee doing one thing and I've been paid Quarter what multinational companies would pay...
The fact that I'm multi skilled with lots of experience gained me the admiration of both my colleagues and clients.
I'm still holding to the company i served with maximum power for the past year.

Hoping I would get some of the recognition i deserve.

Thanks and best regards,

Rasha H. Abou elsoud

CEO's Assistant

I printed it, signed it then handed out to the CEO with a big smile.

I know it was snobbish and i know it's a tough call as the company ain't really a high payer and i know it could be refused...despite all that i had to say what was really in me...how i really felt and let things take its course.

I know they cherish me yet i know that if the board ( non Egyptian & remotely exists!! ) didn't feel like it I'll be rejected...yet it's a risk i had to take...i owe it to myself and yes i think so much of what i do and what I'm capable of.

Second, I was really bitter about how a certain man treated me, how he took advantage of my giving and patience. he was a jerk...a "nadl" as we call it in Egypt...he was selfish and mean and he had no right.

I am fully responsible for my share of the crooked relation, i declared that to him and to myself. but i had to face him of what he did...he was acting as if he never did anything...played dumb and played cold and I won't be stepped over and i won't take a slap and give the other cheek.

So, I sat down and said it...i said it all and i felt relief...i felt peace...i felt bitter less...i felt sorry for him.

Sometimes we let our good nature give the best of us to the extent that We are the ones who really hurt us!

We must act real and true...while having the strength to accept the consequences even if it's not of the best practical calculations.

Life is about examining and taking things to the max...exprimenting our limits and holding tight to what is truly valuable about our dignity and self consciousness.

If we can't respect OURSELVES, no one will !