The Caller: Midnight or after

What pisses me off at 3:30 am

Mon, 26 Jan 2009 03:56:00 GMT

I logged in to Jeeran to get myself started on a quick rant when i noticed a new blog on the site called: How to get girls!

That could pass under my nose easily but i noticed the published post called: Dance floor approaches!!!

Now, please...for the love of god...Dance floor approaches?!!!

Is it the fifties and i got lost in a time swirl??

It's as if someone jumped out of " Dirty Dancing " the movie!

I do not think who ever hits dance floors nowadays doesn't know how to get girls and how to " approach them "...needless to say that the whole concept of getting girls is irrrrrritating, It sounds like getting a pack of cigarettes or getting ****.

It's things like that that get on my nerves especially when i woke up disturbed at 3 am for NO reason whatsoever although I have work at 7 am and i need the sleep after the shitty day i just had at the office...

I can't be entering the endless circle of insomnia again, can I??

It has been a nice while...getting enough sleep every night like all SANE people...not having to wake up mad nearly at dawn to find silly posts about dance floors...phhhhlease!

I was about to call the whole ranting and posting at such late hour off but seeing Ms. FOKO (aka someone else) posting another meaningless saggy post about some love bla bla blrrrrrrra and sticking that small head of hers onto that fake slim body using photo shop ( and she is NOT slim ) just to create a freak looking head is as irritating as the "get the pack of girls post".

Yes, I admit I was already pissed off and drained from sickness and a huge fight at the office...I just recognized that it's that time of year again when I would get all proud and stuff and stand up for the boss' bullshit till I leave the office.

It happened last year around this time...Maybe It's the quitting season or arguing season or something...who knows!

I still have my company to run to if things went crappy at the office, right?? right!

back to blogging, and why the hell would anyone bother us with all the: quit, won't quit, quit, ohhh ma2dertesh 3ala bo3dak sanya won't quit blogging thingie...

No one gives a shit really and even if someone did actually give a shit, you can't really be serious and bounce between decisions in less than a day...Be a man sucker!! Quit!! or don't Quit :D

On a last note, I don't want to know fawa2ed albabooneg nor the dream someone had of hell and how I'll burn in it if I didn't forward the email to a thousand people...Hell, I don't know a thousand people you moron!!! and guess what, Babooneg your a**!

Midnight call

Fri, 04 Jul 2008 01:10:00 GMT

I was about to sleep thirty minutes ago but my cell phone rang...I didn't recognize the number so i didn't answer the late call...it kept ringing so i answered eventually.

- Alo

- salamo 3aleeko ya madam

- 3alekom elsalam...who's calling?

- I'm mahmoud...i'm ****'s brother...you're maid.

- kheir Inshallah

- Inshallah...I need to know when have you last seen her?

- Why? kheir inshallah....is anything wrong?

- No everything is fine we want to make sure she's OK cause she's a bit late.

I looked at the clock and i can't imagine she returned home that late especially that she no longer works for me so i said:

- I'm sure she's fine.

- So ya madam when have you last seen her?

I considered hiding the truth as i feared they'd harm her noting that she's a villager somehow but she hangs around the city all the time...she's about 20 and soon to be married as she's maktoob ketabha...but i just had to tell the truth...

- I saw her last Saturday for a couple of hours.

- and?

- listen ya mahmoud...why don't you tell me what's wrong? I'll be able to help as she's like my younger sister.

- Nothing is wrong ya madam we just wanna make sure she's OK...so when have you seen her after Saturday and when did she leave work today?

- I haven't...she no longer works for me.

There was no response then he thanked me and wanted to hang up but i insisted on talking some sense out of him.

- Ya mahmoud...she probably went to work at some new place or was with her mom.

- she said she was late working for YOU.

- tayeb ya ma7moud...notice she's a young girl and you have to be wise and calm and ask her...I'm sure she's a good girl and from a good home.

- Allah yekrem aslek ya fandem.

- Please call me if you need me to talk to her or if you need anything.

- da el3asham bardo ya fandem.

- salamo 3aleekom

- motshakereen awi ya fandem...salamo 3aleekom

I lost sleep...calmness and feared something i couldn't identify.

I wondered why didn't i keep my mouth shut...i would've spared her a potential 3al2a or at least getting grounded for life!

I know i always cared for her and i did notice some worrying signs which made me try to reach out to her but she always denied...

I wondered and asked her if she was forced to marry that guy she's engaged to and she insisted on him being a great guy who loves her...she's supposed to get married in a month or so.

I also wonder how can someone who is attached to someone even consider another?!!

I know I can't even SEE another even if he was no longer there for years!

I- by the way- discovered something about me...I believe in the old saying: 3ala albaghy tadoor aldwa2er...that's why i can't afford to slightly harm anyone...i instantly think about my kids...and i instantly fear for me.

I believe I've done the right thing and maybe i - by telling the truth- protected her from substantial damage as i once before did!

but i can't help feeling anxious.

as i write this i noticed my dad's name on the titles - as the music composer- of an old movie...it's great seeing his name...a totally irrelevant point!

good night.

Decision

Fri, 02 May 2008 00:17:00 GMT

I've been stronger lately...I manage through the night without crying, I stop memories from aching me and i keep my distance from every trace of it.

Although i have more time now to wallow in sadness and regret all i want.

I remember few months ago when i was working 14 hours a day minimum yet i couldn't get it off of my head day and night...drives to and from work witnessed lots of tears and heartache.

It's the decision i made without even stating it loud and clear in my mind...I don't want to have anyone or anything in my life except for my work and kids.

I don't know if it's possible to decide such a thing...but i did.

Years ago i was sad over a failed marriage...after that i was aching for never having the love I've always dreamt about, the emptiness killed me...then i was given what i strived for and the feeling was beyond my wildest dreams that it blinded me to a disastrous situation and i ended up shattered.

I guess i learned...and may be I've had enough and that's why i don't want anything of that kind anymore.

what's left is some traces here and there that showers me with mixed feelings- like the feelings I'm having now- yet time passes by and I manage to distract myself pretty well.

It's skill i wish i had before...when to focus and when to loose it when i need to.

It's hard, hard to look the other way when voices, flags and hands grab your attention their way...it's hard to stop LIVE memories from weakening your will...hard to choose not to access a wide opened door...hard to stop every song or piece of music the minute it starts cause u know it's gonna hurt.

Hard, but will be done!

and tomorrow will be a new day Inshallah.

Good night.

Just like that!

Sat, 09 Feb 2008 00:22:00 GMT

It's like a pinch...a pain that lasts for seconds and you'd forget all about it...

It's like that last drag of a cigarette...the deep inhaled smoke and the thick exhaled breath...and squeezed off is the rest...

It's like the after taste of bitter medicine...some sugar would erase it away...

It's like a sock soaking wet...making you feel so heavy...just needs to be changed...

It's like a very bad hair day...a pin and a brush would gather all the frizz ...

It's like the sand stuck in your shoe...you'll shake it off ..

It's like the good sunny afternoon that would make you look hot in your new black shades...

It's like the hair you'd accidentally find in your steamy rice bowl...you're too hungry to throw the food...only the hair will go ...

It's like the first two verses of your worst poem...need to get the rubber and start rhyming...

It's like all that and more...

All tiny annoying things that will eventually vanish...

Day after day...your picture will fade away...become more and more absurd...ridiculous to remember and cheap to hold...

Every breath I'll take and every morning I'll wake will draft you more and more away...

To me...you're becoming...just like that!!

Death...and birth, over a cup of coffee!

Wed, 12 Dec 2007 11:03:00 GMT

We were having my usual coffee at a shop i never stepped feet in before, It was his invitation and his suggestion that I was glad to accept as we haven't been talking lately and he has been once a real good friend .

He was one of the exceptions among my friends as I dislike gigolos very much and wouldn't normally become friends with the type but he was not like that with me and I could always feel some kindness within him...kindness is the main thing i chersih in people and I believe if we had that all could go well sooner or later...he really took me as an understanding friend who would listen and share.And I was his exception - as he claims - I was the only female friend he ever had...he was used to only one track thinking regarding females that would usually end up with the type who'd end in his bed!

Being the Hunk he is and being - in my opinion - troubled since childhood in a way that made him only think this way towards girls gave him a wide range of nasty experiences that appeared to make him cocky...he would refer to him self laughing as the handsome devil!

He's the kind of person that is so full of crap yet he tells it clear...He is one of the children of September by the way...

we started exchanging the hellos as usual bulletining each other with the most recent events in work and so...and normally i would ask in a funny way How were the chicks? and i never expected the answer...He said: I'm over this crap...Never Again! and i saw severe pain in his eyes...I almost saw the glow of a hesitant tear.

I demanded further explanation as pain and hurt coming from HIM was actually weired and boy...did he start talking!!!

He knew this woman that he got with every once in a while...she was from the same nature and living the same life...I had heard about her before and knew their story...And unexpectedly to them she became pregnant!

Not like in the movies and because they shared no feelings but sexual they didn't get married...but decided to get rid of the baby...the woman was more than five months pregnant and all he could think of is that he has to be there for her during the abortion...he is a man you know and gada3 and so !!! Disgustingly enough...till she entered the operation room he felt nothing but care for her...after a while..waiting in the pit hole they called clinic- it's an inhuman nasty filthy place to commit crimes in- he saw the weired nurse coming out with a bloody towel that contained something...unconsciously he stopped her and looked to see what was it...It was the fetus...his fetus...his baby...the fetus was alive...looked just like a chewed up tiny heart that was pulsing hard with slight features of a baby...and as his heart was actually burning him alive...feeling the most hurtful feeling he had ever known... life was going away from the fetus...his soul was taken away and his heart was about to stop as this fetus just stopped living....he couldn't see anything...his tears filled his eyes and throat ...he sat down not believing what he had just seen...aching from what he was feeling...hating himself and realizing for the first time the meaning of what he had always thought of as Fun and something macho to be proud of...the games of fake love and sex weren't hot any more...He knew that his manhood was about giving another life to life...something more holy and profound than living like a car that would park anywhere...even in a trash dump just to feel good for a few moments.

What was always cheap and easy to him revealed itself to be a secret of life and a meridian of souls...And Instantly he declared total and final remorse and decided to never ever treat his humanity and others with such disgrace again.

A soul had to be eliminated before it was born to teach him a life changing lesson.

He hopes we could all open our hearts to virtues before hurt scars us forever.

As for me I witnessed death.....and birth, Over a cup of coffee.

And I'll leave my feelings to your Imagination.