The Caller: faith

The most silent cry

Wed, 17 Dec 2008 23:15:00 GMT

Problem is, I know what to do...I'm not puzzled, I'm not reluctant and I'm not weak.

I know I have to go to the kids' school in the morning and meet the manager...I have the scenario in my head...I can hear me talk...I can see them argue and driving me crazy, I realize teachers attitudes as I've been one before.

I can see myself ask for the manager, tell him no word but firmly ordering: Call for the P.E. teacher and I won't say anything else till she comes!

He would try to wit me out of anger...the religious way of course ( He's Religious)...she would come and I would make a HUGE effort not to punch her in the face only because I wanna discipline myself and by that i hope to teach her a lesson about self discipline enough to contain her self next time she gets THE SICK urge to use violence against a CHILD!!!

I'm taking a breath now because I really really make a huge effort ( it seems I'll be doing that a lot ) to hold my angry tears and the dirtiest dictionary!

I know every mother sees her kids as the best...but, can you take my word for it???

My kids are very naughty AND very polite at the same time and I've been praised for quite that because they seem as innocent and active as kids should be but in the most contained childish manners anyone could want in his kid...I am proud...and that is mostly what makes me more mad and sad...THEY DON'T deserve this!

The P.E. lady teacher punished hassan ( 8 years old ) for choosing another activity but her class by :

Pulling his hair ( yes, 7abeby has very beautiful relatively long hair )
10 times running around the track
100 times sitting and jumping continuously

He cried from the rough hair pull and the leg pain and she wouldn't stop so she made him do some more jumps...he returned home crying and traumatized...and he demanded me acting upon it confirming that he WILL NOT attend her class again as he skipped her class at the first place because of her bad treatment and pinches.

Knowing that at 4 pm after school hours...while I'm having an argument with my boss...beat tired and very anxious, left me breathlessly angry and sad and I've been helping frustrated tears till this moment...because I'm gonna, forced, have to wait till tomorrow to go over there and let it all out.

Why does all the shit in the world hit my fan and my fan only??? why do I have to spend all my life suffering and struggling because of circumstances, people, this damn system, cruelty, injustice, what's right, myself and my urges and my desires and my freakin' work that i happen to twistedly love...my love...my fuckin' heart ( no, I will not calm dow nor tone it )...my zillion thought/ minute...staying in control...staying passionate...maintaining something...fighting...protecting my kids...supporting my friends...stressing on myself neglecting the sicknesses and painful days because even physically i have to keep going. I am drained...drained...and i ache for what my kids go through and what they might go through and the kind of dad they have and the kind of mom they have and the kind of life they would have if i would be ill not be able to work and provide for them or if i die or if the freakin country goes into crisis or if they would get sick...I'm scared, frightened, terrified...as it is and i play normal and push myself further and test my limits everyday as it is...and pray for Allah's help and mercy...SO, I need no more shit from a sick bitch at school corrupting my sons mind...Making him hate sports because it is NOW a punishment not a good thing...making him feel demeaned and humiliated...I can imagine what my proud son felt when he was held by the hair hard and dragged in front of the whole school at the yard...

I did not pick a bad school...It is not a freakin cheap school...It is SUPPOSED to be religious with good knowledge abilities and language as well...

after all that...I know and realize I can't loose my temper and enjoy being the angry mom tomorrow when i meet her...I have to be the firm intimidating reasonable dad...yet again, haven't I done that all the time already?!!!

Damn, I almost forgot!

Update:

At seven am I drove the kids' to school and waited for the manager to show up...to make a long story short...I said what i had to say to the teacher, manager, deputy manager and two supervisors...I was firm, subtle and very righteous and that shut them up and almost didn't hear but apologies and promises along with confirmations that they have the same rules i believe in.

I left the school knowing I had delivered the message just as i wanted...I know that the teacher wouldn't come near a child for at least - hope longer - some time...I know my kids will be safe for quite some time...I'm calmer...yet, I hate the fact that i had to give smooth intimidating messages to assure a fair reasonable treatment for my kids, which is supposed to be normal around any school.

But, If that is a corrupted system within a bigger governmental system...reality is, people - system or not - na2seen tarbeya oo ta3leem ...I won't say anything more but a reply of the teacher when i clarified the fact that she's making the child hate sports and that violence is NOT accepted...she asked: 2omal a3aqbo ezzay??!!!!

needless to say

I was about to call her every name in the book describing Ignorance and stupidity...the manager told her: I will teach you what to do!! you are dismissed now!

Rabena yostor!

A bed next to the window

Sat, 15 Nov 2008 20:55:00 GMT

It's like reversing a scene of a rock being thrown to shake the calmness of a lake...the rock is leaving the turbulent lake to it's calmness.

Rocked by many thoughts, little events of passion, new people, old people and job related stresses, was how things have been going on with me for the past couple of months...I didn't have the time or will to slow down and revise...I missed my lifetime habit of analysing everything; as at one point I decided - again - that change is good...that I've seen enough of overwhelming events and what is mere silly to exhaust my soul.

I wanted to return to blank mind pages and simple feelings accompanied by simple expression and sharing.

Won't regret the decision nor what I've experienced while testing those shallow/ deep waters ( Depends!! )...I had the healthy dose of regret ( a few minutes: a day max.)

I will just acknowledge the experience...will Indulge on the lessons I've been taught...yes yes...I have to admit for ethical reasons...I didn't dig for those lessons...They have been shoved up my BRAINS!

But to allow closure to that short termed experience, there are a lot of acceptance to handle...and I had the past three days to come to terms with those...I, first, felt down...disappointed...defeated...then, my ego aroused from the depth and declared getting in charge...the mind is in control now and the inner feelings that wished for things to go in a certain path retreated to a nice white and bubbly cocoon...I welcomed that...as energy was by all means running too many empty alerts for me to disregard.

Mind was in charge and there was no way my will could be evasive and would try to push it away from the leading position as sickness hit my physique.

I have those tendencies...when my feelings and spirit get beaten...the body does too...and at similar times ridiculous thoughts of diets and slimming sound so fake...as bodies could get so ill...could get so buried...and nothing would have importance anymore.

Three days in bed...Surrounded by adorable tender kids...I never saw them as kind...maybe because I've almost lost hope in pure kindness elsewhere that now i see greatness in those tiny hands and warm little hugs.

Three days in bed...long hours of analysis and rewinding absurdness that came out of my mouth after being felt as raw as my pounding heart.

Three days to figure out how would i neglect love and beg for another...the rolling of the dice...and the rolling of the wheels and the rolling of the heart...

Three days to wonder if i had any right to get disappointed at the first place...If i present to the world what i need or what i think it needs?!! Is my logic understandable??? or, have i been delusional and basically i lack logic???

It is like choosing not to brag what you've read or the scientific expressions you've always used ( mom taught me that when i was ten ) because it inhibits not only people...but the universe...she said: the universe will not teach a smart ass.

Days before I turn 35...I had three days in bed to weigh what really matters...will i pursue more passion towards art and human experiences?!! Will i continue to treat the world as if it was my own handmade?? will i keep failing to see that expectations are the sane man's worst enemy?

Would I ever Accept that people by nature - and perhaps because it's what's best - are not ready for nude truths?!

I, someone who feared the change of place of my book, decided to change the placing of my bed...For 18 months i have had the closet placed to block the window...No light nor scenery was viewed...artificial light...air...and sounds were my environment when i was home.

I asked for help...the good doorman came over with his brother and moved the huge closet away from the window...I had my bed placed right next to the floor to ceiling glass window...a white sheer transparent curtain was moved by nice early winter breeze...I relaxed my head on the pillow...enjoying the natural soft greyish sun rays filling my hair...I looked at the canaries I have out in the terrace and thought they were happy in the cage..I saw a few plants mom keeps out there...I could see some sky above the building across...

Music accompanied me - as usual - not any music...Strings of guitars that played my soul...I browsed all my favorites...I couldn't read...I just wanted to stop the imaginary flood and taste real tangible thoughts and feelings

(I think in pictures and I know that...by the way, totally irrelevant but had to be mentioned to excuse myself for the images and backgrounds i use when i tell a story...just the other day a close friend of mine thought it was annoying...well, I think in pictures!)

Maybe that is how i should spend time at home...maybe that would clarify the impurities in me...maybe a clear head away from people will do me good....If only i didn't know better!

A person of chaos, trouble and excitement i am...

I accept how I change...I embrace new air...new angles...different approaches...I hope to see kindness from cruel people or things.

It amazes me how many "I" s I use in a post...but, Everything that i have, the world, the huge meaning and sensation is through that "I"

Don't be stupid now...

Ramadan Live from Cairo - Peace

Tue, 09 Sep 2008 11:41:00 GMT

Several business figures are coming down just like London Bridge in the good old days.

Not only that the Egyptian street is mad as mistreated fortunes in the hands of the powerful...they are mad at the Government although the General prosecutor's decision has restored some respect towards people in command.

I won't get in the details of the current big case where a huge Egyptian Real estate company' owner is being prosecuted as I believe we all know the details one way or another...I just have to weigh fortune...life...and peace!

I believe that money has the ability to make you happy at one point...or may be two, yet, life isn't about a nice time to be lived in any form...Life is like a big festival where you can laugh, Laughed at, smugged, win a prize or harassed in the crowd and no one will notice your giggle/ pain except you!

This festival ends by the time all people go home and you put your head on the pillow...and all you need from this whole world is one thing and one thing only...a peaceful good night sleep.

And i stress on peaceful...because peace is the one thing money cannot buy!

We all go through some challenges and life tricks where we get blinded by materialistic stuff or greedy souls...It's whether we're capable of looking deep into our souls to mend what has been broken or pamper our hearts from so much unnecessary cruelty.

To let go of some hazardous lovable things to win such peace...is a guaranteed deal.

And may we all have a blessed life and Allah's mercy in Ramadan.

Ramadan Live from Cairo - Slidings!

Sun, 07 Sep 2008 01:13:00 GMT

A certain thought kept aching my heart all day after hearing the very sad and tragic news about the Natural Disaster that happened in Cairo...Why does harm keep haunting hurt people? Why the poor become poorer, more ill, loose loved ones and keep struggling all the time?

While, the Big old Bad wolves that are eating our country are becoming chubbier, hungrier and more cruel?

I'm not opposing destiny as I know that this is qada2 Allah wa Qadaroh...La elah ela Allah!

I'm just so sad that the small neighborhood where very very needy and poor people chose to build small huts made of shattered bricks and tin cielings had to suffer a Rock slide from the near by Hill...I'm Imaging them fasting...sleeping or what ever when those Rocks smashed their little poor houses over their heads...Lots of deaths and Injuries...more misery have landed over Aldwe2a...the already miserable neighborhood!

For now...this is Ramadan...Live from Dwe2a - Cairo.

Ramadan Live from Cairo - Chinese!!

Mon, 01 Sep 2008 00:18:00 GMT

I won't bother my blog with news about my where abouts for the past few days as i don't see any significance in mentioning my final tahyees trip before Ramadan...It was the craziest and there's no bragging about it...a total mess!

Yesterday I returned back to Maadi - my home territory - So excited about Ramadan and all the promises I made myself to Enjoy the Breezes of faith it brings and to practice more from everything possible that could make me feel closer to Allah, especially that this year

I can actually feel Ramadan...last year it didn't happen for me.

I was driving by when I saw this:

Chinese lanterns with Arabic Ramadan greetings hanging and decorating two long streets!

I thought: where's fanoos Ramadan?!

besara7a et2amast!

I thought WT...anything is that...I mean Chinese Ramadan Lanterns...Those Chinese people didn't leave anything for us...and I thought they were smart to knock every door around the globe to make an extra buck!

Well, good for them, I guess...but it really looked weired!!

What's wrong with the brass good old Ramadan Egyptian Lantern...it has been IT for ages now.

Today I bought those Ramadan stuff...you know the Nuts, Amareldeen and dates and all those yummy stuff.

I also had the Ramadan talk with my kids...

Received very nice text messages...sent to everyone on my list

Well, My feelings of Ramadan are overwhelming this year...

I could use the boost of faith...I could use the changed daily routine...I could definitely use the scheduled life around fotour and So7our times.

I wish you a blessed Holy month filled with faith, insight and forgiveness.

Kol Ramadan wento taybeen awi awi awi :)