The Caller: Freeeeeeeeeeedom!!

Now that i can see...

Sun, 23 Mar 2008 08:45:00 GMT

Yes, al7amdlelah it went well....not painless as those damn liars told me but it passed and now i can see perfectly without poking my eyes with lenses all the time or wearing a typical grandmother's glasses!

The procedure itself isn't painful at all...not even one sting...the pain started an hour after the operation...my lids were swollen and i felt enormous pressure, stings and burn in them...i couldn't open my eyes and tears were rolling like waterfalls...I took about 4 panadol extras and after exactly 5 hours i was able to open my eyes and i watched Grey's anatomy perfectly while i had a nice yummy meal.

Of course something like that couldn't possibly pass without turning on some thought lamps in my head...especially while watching the episode where Meridith starts to finally like someone other than Mcdreamy.

Everything Can change...poor eye sight that annoyed me for the last 20 years....heartbreaks that seem like they'd burn forever leaving continuous longing and scars of depression...everything can change...EVERYTHING!

And I've had that feeling for the past couple of weeks...that another page will be opened for me...something new will change the way life has been...i don't know what it is and i have not the slightest clue of it's nature...I just have the feeling.

Allah yegeeb elkheir.

Have a good day everyone :)

Just like that!

Sat, 09 Feb 2008 00:22:00 GMT

It's like a pinch...a pain that lasts for seconds and you'd forget all about it...

It's like that last drag of a cigarette...the deep inhaled smoke and the thick exhaled breath...and squeezed off is the rest...

It's like the after taste of bitter medicine...some sugar would erase it away...

It's like a sock soaking wet...making you feel so heavy...just needs to be changed...

It's like a very bad hair day...a pin and a brush would gather all the frizz ...

It's like the sand stuck in your shoe...you'll shake it off ..

It's like the good sunny afternoon that would make you look hot in your new black shades...

It's like the hair you'd accidentally find in your steamy rice bowl...you're too hungry to throw the food...only the hair will go ...

It's like the first two verses of your worst poem...need to get the rubber and start rhyming...

It's like all that and more...

All tiny annoying things that will eventually vanish...

Day after day...your picture will fade away...become more and more absurd...ridiculous to remember and cheap to hold...

Every breath I'll take and every morning I'll wake will draft you more and more away...

To me...you're becoming...just like that!!

last night

Mon, 28 Jan 2008 09:48:00 GMT

Last night and after work i had an appointment with her again, it was 18:30 and my appointment was at 20:00 so i headed down town, parked the car somewhere with a miracle as it's always jammed and walked around the block to find myself a coffee shop near the AUC.

As i walked down the shiny streets full of the remains of the rainy couple of days before that head of mine started to flow some thoughts into me...not loud annoying thoughts...comforting smooth realizations.

I remembered the first time i walked down that street more than two years ago...i was trembling...scared of people...trying to watch my steps as i always felt like falling...

last night i felt comfort and harmony...i looked up to the sky...it wasn't pitch black...it was still cloudy so the moon light made amazing gray shapes with silver shades that reflected here and there...i felt part of a waltz...of a wave of breeze taking me and all the people walking with so much living brought by their breaths, heart beats and foot steps rocking the ground softly.

I felt hope and a crunchy cheer brought by the crunchy cold weather.

A thought of the new phase i decided to begin crossed my mind and i smiled at the thought that I'm practicing my freedom to take a risk and follow a will ...for a moment i pan-iced...fear hit me again...visions of failing...of loosing everything i had ...i shook them a way and found the coffee shop sign to distract the fear.

I walked in..the place is so small and warm yet so crowded...i found a high chair...i sat down, ordered a nice cup of hot chocolate ...got out the book i wanted to read...it was The Zahir ...it was an advice from her to read it and it was one of the most revealing experiences I've ever had...what is tricky about this book is that - in my personal opinion -it would only affect those who have a certain experience and way of thinking...those who can walk through mud up to their fancy blouses to reach their destination with a smile on their faces...anyway, i engaged in the words i was reading ...sipped my drink slowly...felt so warm...till it was about time to pay the check and head to my appointment.

Enjoying the streets, the air, the feeling and walking ...i took the long way to her to walk even more and remembered Mohamed mounir's song....edaya fe gyoobi o' albi tereb...7ases bghorba bas mesh meghtereb ( hands in my pocket and my heart is singing...feeling alone but not lonely ) started to hum it when i reached her office.

I don't know what brought my dad up when we were talking, but a certain memory flashed in my eyes...his silk Parisian shit and his great black hair when he visited my school 28 years ago...i can still smell his perfume and hear his voice and laughs as he talked to the headmistress and how they were all grinning so wide as he showered them with money...how did they take it and why was he positive that they'd take it...is a question that made me dislike that day yet cling to each memory of my sweet kind charming dad.

We talked about my new phase and i explained the way i feel about the whole thing and what i felt as i walked to our appointment.

Fear was a word repeated by me more than once which caught her attention so she asked me: have you feared something before?

I said: sure!

She said: and ??!

I said: Did my thing anyway.

She said: and??!

I said: fear diminished and i succeed.

She said: are you sure it diminished? you stop ed fearing ..period!?

I said: well no, but i kept on doing what used to scare me and it didn't scare me anymore.

She Said: fear has a bad reputation that makes people hate it...but know this...if you had fear as your friend, your success is guaranteed!

I said: fear makes me restless..makes me want to give my best and excel so i wouldn't fail...but it's a very hurtful feeling.

She said: who said success or life with all it's aspects aren't about hurt?! it's the most basic human feeling...the drive to survive...people who live the myth of the desire to achieve comfort in a certain way loose so much of their spirits...she paused for a few seconds and asked me:What do you want? for you and only you?

I answered with a long list of five or six goals.

She asked again: Can a shooter aim for more than one target and make the hit?!

I answered: A shooter can't but i can...i will try because i have no more time to waste.

She said: Can you sum all of the goals up in one?? well, even if you can't, go ahead!

As we were about to say good bye she asked me: have you ever thought about performing?? acting i mean??

I laughed and said, no way!!

She laughed too and said: well, why don't you try...play it with your kids...with friends maybe..

I laughed again and asked : and that would manifest what??

She laughed even more this time and said: you'll feel it then so i said laughing: well, I've always wanted to sing but that would ruin my career :D

She said: well, you can die fulfilled or die otherwise...it's your choice!

Phase

Thu, 24 Jan 2008 09:26:00 GMT

Scared

Hopeful

strong

Decisive

Appreciative

Kind with myself

Risky

More faithful

feelings that i have all together, feelings that i need to slowly consume and consider.

Asking WHY is holding me back.

Deciding will keep me on track.

And the previous question may or may not come along the way...but i must walk that path.

Now, what i need is....stillness!!

Stillness.

SAY IT !!!

Sun, 20 Jan 2008 23:08:00 GMT

I Say: SAY IT !!

Know when your so polite you don't wanna hurt who hurts u??

When u are extra caring...extra decent...extra giving...extra QUIET??

Well, Although i had the courage finally to pick up the phone and call the doctor for help...i decided that there are a couple of problems that i have to take care of. I just need to open my mouth and say it.

First, I sat in front of the screen...put my fingers on the keyboards...took a deep breath while sitting straight...smiled and typed the following:

Dear Boss,

With reference to our previous discussion regarding my salary and derived from the offers i received lat November which you know of...please note the following:

Since I worked here I've been doing the work of five departments...supervised all departments, been the sales manager, been the admin, been the PR manager and more.
I've been paid half what national companies pay to one employee doing one thing and I've been paid Quarter what multinational companies would pay...
The fact that I'm multi skilled with lots of experience gained me the admiration of both my colleagues and clients.
I'm still holding to the company i served with maximum power for the past year.

Hoping I would get some of the recognition i deserve.

Thanks and best regards,

Rasha H. Abou elsoud

CEO's Assistant

I printed it, signed it then handed out to the CEO with a big smile.

I know it was snobbish and i know it's a tough call as the company ain't really a high payer and i know it could be refused...despite all that i had to say what was really in me...how i really felt and let things take its course.

I know they cherish me yet i know that if the board ( non Egyptian & remotely exists!! ) didn't feel like it I'll be rejected...yet it's a risk i had to take...i owe it to myself and yes i think so much of what i do and what I'm capable of.

Second, I was really bitter about how a certain man treated me, how he took advantage of my giving and patience. he was a jerk...a "nadl" as we call it in Egypt...he was selfish and mean and he had no right.

I am fully responsible for my share of the crooked relation, i declared that to him and to myself. but i had to face him of what he did...he was acting as if he never did anything...played dumb and played cold and I won't be stepped over and i won't take a slap and give the other cheek.

So, I sat down and said it...i said it all and i felt relief...i felt peace...i felt bitter less...i felt sorry for him.

Sometimes we let our good nature give the best of us to the extent that We are the ones who really hurt us!

We must act real and true...while having the strength to accept the consequences even if it's not of the best practical calculations.

Life is about examining and taking things to the max...exprimenting our limits and holding tight to what is truly valuable about our dignity and self consciousness.

If we can't respect OURSELVES, no one will !