The Caller: New Phase

Portrait

Tue, 30 Dec 2008 13:45:00 GMT

I have spent some time searching for this Image...We had it in our house when i was little.

A very strange thing is, when i was seven I looked exactly like that boy in the painting.

I had such short hair, even the same cut...I had those eyes...and the same features.

When I grew up a bit and read Oliver Twist I always imagined him that little boy.

Why have I remembered this portrait today? I have no idea.

Today, I laughed, planned, made a 7 million pound deal, Studies are OK, everything is good around me thank god...but within, I'm tired and yes I am sad.

When I think about people reading this i get the urge to lie...or shut up...then i think that in my own sanctuary i shouldn't .

It's the people in Gaza...It's the ugliness in my life...It's people I miss.

It's amazing that humans have the ability to carry around such different feelings...as I love and Love fills my heart and soul.

I'll just keep on doing what i do best...I have a meeting now.

HATE

Mon, 29 Dec 2008 10:01:00 GMT

I am experiencing hate.

I hate facts for being so disgusting, I hate people for being so lame, I hate myself because i am as lame, I hate the government for being a bunch of sissies, I hate that old fart coward man who hides his shameful soul behind high walls.

Like every massacre and injustice in history...people get killed...people protest...people plan for some attack...people rebel...but also, every massacre in history had resistance and came time to conquer.

In Gaza case...

They are splitting internally...they are incompetent...they have no half ass jets, bombs and missiles to fight back....no resources...no help from neighbors as they are busy.

you see, neighbor countries are in their holes scared to do anything but take pictures for the press to prove mere existence...rich and powerful within those countries are busy getting richer, getting fucked, plotting against each other or against hot chicks...they won't pay attention to a small country trapped under the Israeli fire.

A country that is surrounded from all sides by arab countries that share the laguage, religions and identity ( as if...)...such neighbors could erase the cruel existance of israel in a day if...IF...they wanted to.

OK, I have thought about the children of Israel...the people who don't support the politics and the killing...but, please, why the hell are they doing there living in Israel if they hate the invasion/ injustice and tyrany their government is practicing.

Jews have the whole WORLD to live in like they always did...so, taking a piece of palestanian land calling it their own then protest against Israel for its policy is...este3bat...and there's no other word that could describe that...ESTE3BAT!!!!

Now, the everlasting unbearable incomprehensive question...what can I do?? really and actually...just rant it out here, experience feelings of hate...proclaim my core lameness...mumble a praying or two...cuss all i want...then, receive a business phone call or shout at my kids...long for a long lost love...tune to FM...count my money and rant my budget.

Protests in Egypt have reached the presidency palace...something that hadn't happened since King farouk...Poeple are angry...but who is that angry:

Mostly, university students...because they haven't yet been crushed in the cruel mill of the country with responsibilities and tough money earning...they still don't have to drag their sorry asses to work or else no food will be put on their kids' table.

They are still free willed...they are still brave at heart...the hearts that are still filled with hope and strangth and wishes...while actually, If this government stayed the same...they will not have much hope any more

So, about hate....

About quiting?? Hmmmm.

Fri, 26 Dec 2008 14:47:00 GMT

So, I get myself addicted then i get myself to quit...find another addiction that feels nice, discover it's no good so i try to quit

From too many chocolates that mess a metabolic malfunction more and more, to sudden smoking tendencies that felt soothing yet made my difficult breathing painful...to, the wrong type of people...no people at all, no, can't work this way...maybe just one friend...naaaa, too obsessive...many shallow friendships with people i don't really like....to a selected few minds that i like to be silly around.

It really feels like back in the days when i was a teen stumbling around a thousand things, having a million unstable urges...

Except that now...I know exactly what i am, how i like things, what i want...difference is...those turned out to be not an easy thing to sustain....I may know everything I should know...I may Accept everything i should accept and I may have reached the amazingly enlightening age of thirty five; yet, the type of person who has various skills and more than one talent...the person who can endure many diversities and handle how weired life is truly is will never have the ease and peace of joining one group or going down one road.

Big problem is, i am so arrogant that i know when i should shut up yet i don't...I know where i shouldn't step foot yet i jump right into pits...I can see it as arrogance but i want to say it as respecting people enough to let them see - with me - anything but cliches, anything but shame and nothing of a lie.

Many find it repulsive, many freak out, many chicken because they just can't handle it but some...creme a la creme...smile and feel OK about what things are...i as i am...truth as ugly as can be...nature as nude as possible.

The most beautiful thing is that i feel my heart is floating and expanding hugging the world just because acceptance is that graceful...endurance and kindness is that giving and enriching...it's like a silver beam of light that can change a gloomy soul trapped in trouble into a shimmering white cloud surfing up high looking down at earth yet willing to feed it with its drops.

Never meant to be corny poetic...I just feel this way at this moment of this Friday...having major business chaos around the corner, having the accounting book next to me reminding me that the MBA is too much to handle at this phase...I have my kids fighting over a lion king puzzle...and many people in my heart that i love, miss, care for or just despise!

now, that beauty in a winter Christmas night in Cairo is overwhelming....that music is humming in me nagging to get out...while i wonder if i did the right thing entering the short story contest.

I just have so much in me now...so much, and life will always be...Life.

It will be...and it will end...and i am fine...or else, i wouldn't have any energy to get up every morning at six am driving the same road among a despicable traffic jam listening to the radio and making so much effort to cling to something funny enough to jump-start my business engines...I have no choice but be fine. I love being someone good. I hate fools.

So, don't you think being strangely natural and true...maybe kind, might be a good thing?!

Have a good day.

What's going on?!!

Mon, 22 Dec 2008 12:38:00 GMT

It is absolutely not fair to rant my heart out and not record - while keeping my heart in - what has been going on LIVE from my world.

Hassan's P.E Cruel teacher gave him a candy yesterday.

Work is chaotic at that time of year...Finalizing a zillion things right before the new year is just crazy.

I am enjoying - for the past two nights - a new skill, to fall asleep instead of thinking sad thoughts.

Have been nicotine free for the past 19 days...I never decided to quit, it just happened.

An Accounting course within the MBA is starting today...have i mentioned i dislike numbers?!!

It will be one busy schedule...all i think of is that it would be fine to take my mind off things...lots of things.

My music is pending due to some idiotic actions, I'm not as hungry towards it as i was a month ago...and I'm willing to pause.

I'm looking forward to a fresh morning and a new gloominess-less day...someday soon.

Have a nice day :)

The most silent cry

Wed, 17 Dec 2008 23:15:00 GMT

Problem is, I know what to do...I'm not puzzled, I'm not reluctant and I'm not weak.

I know I have to go to the kids' school in the morning and meet the manager...I have the scenario in my head...I can hear me talk...I can see them argue and driving me crazy, I realize teachers attitudes as I've been one before.

I can see myself ask for the manager, tell him no word but firmly ordering: Call for the P.E. teacher and I won't say anything else till she comes!

He would try to wit me out of anger...the religious way of course ( He's Religious)...she would come and I would make a HUGE effort not to punch her in the face only because I wanna discipline myself and by that i hope to teach her a lesson about self discipline enough to contain her self next time she gets THE SICK urge to use violence against a CHILD!!!

I'm taking a breath now because I really really make a huge effort ( it seems I'll be doing that a lot ) to hold my angry tears and the dirtiest dictionary!

I know every mother sees her kids as the best...but, can you take my word for it???

My kids are very naughty AND very polite at the same time and I've been praised for quite that because they seem as innocent and active as kids should be but in the most contained childish manners anyone could want in his kid...I am proud...and that is mostly what makes me more mad and sad...THEY DON'T deserve this!

The P.E. lady teacher punished hassan ( 8 years old ) for choosing another activity but her class by :

Pulling his hair ( yes, 7abeby has very beautiful relatively long hair )
10 times running around the track
100 times sitting and jumping continuously

He cried from the rough hair pull and the leg pain and she wouldn't stop so she made him do some more jumps...he returned home crying and traumatized...and he demanded me acting upon it confirming that he WILL NOT attend her class again as he skipped her class at the first place because of her bad treatment and pinches.

Knowing that at 4 pm after school hours...while I'm having an argument with my boss...beat tired and very anxious, left me breathlessly angry and sad and I've been helping frustrated tears till this moment...because I'm gonna, forced, have to wait till tomorrow to go over there and let it all out.

Why does all the shit in the world hit my fan and my fan only??? why do I have to spend all my life suffering and struggling because of circumstances, people, this damn system, cruelty, injustice, what's right, myself and my urges and my desires and my freakin' work that i happen to twistedly love...my love...my fuckin' heart ( no, I will not calm dow nor tone it )...my zillion thought/ minute...staying in control...staying passionate...maintaining something...fighting...protecting my kids...supporting my friends...stressing on myself neglecting the sicknesses and painful days because even physically i have to keep going. I am drained...drained...and i ache for what my kids go through and what they might go through and the kind of dad they have and the kind of mom they have and the kind of life they would have if i would be ill not be able to work and provide for them or if i die or if the freakin country goes into crisis or if they would get sick...I'm scared, frightened, terrified...as it is and i play normal and push myself further and test my limits everyday as it is...and pray for Allah's help and mercy...SO, I need no more shit from a sick bitch at school corrupting my sons mind...Making him hate sports because it is NOW a punishment not a good thing...making him feel demeaned and humiliated...I can imagine what my proud son felt when he was held by the hair hard and dragged in front of the whole school at the yard...

I did not pick a bad school...It is not a freakin cheap school...It is SUPPOSED to be religious with good knowledge abilities and language as well...

after all that...I know and realize I can't loose my temper and enjoy being the angry mom tomorrow when i meet her...I have to be the firm intimidating reasonable dad...yet again, haven't I done that all the time already?!!!

Damn, I almost forgot!

Update:

At seven am I drove the kids' to school and waited for the manager to show up...to make a long story short...I said what i had to say to the teacher, manager, deputy manager and two supervisors...I was firm, subtle and very righteous and that shut them up and almost didn't hear but apologies and promises along with confirmations that they have the same rules i believe in.

I left the school knowing I had delivered the message just as i wanted...I know that the teacher wouldn't come near a child for at least - hope longer - some time...I know my kids will be safe for quite some time...I'm calmer...yet, I hate the fact that i had to give smooth intimidating messages to assure a fair reasonable treatment for my kids, which is supposed to be normal around any school.

But, If that is a corrupted system within a bigger governmental system...reality is, people - system or not - na2seen tarbeya oo ta3leem ...I won't say anything more but a reply of the teacher when i clarified the fact that she's making the child hate sports and that violence is NOT accepted...she asked: 2omal a3aqbo ezzay??!!!!

needless to say

I was about to call her every name in the book describing Ignorance and stupidity...the manager told her: I will teach you what to do!! you are dismissed now!

Rabena yostor!