The Caller: Love

A sunday to vent

Sun, 11 Jan 2009 10:34:00 GMT

Eno has been my friend for the past ten years or maybe more...we have the understanding, our set of jokes and we know each other inside out...we are so close at times of crisis and when we are forced to be distant. Just like now as she left the country for a scholarship...now, her being far is bringing us closer. That's weired if you ask me but, as we always are, this is me and this is her and that's the way it is...so, we are that type of friends...I might not see her for months although we live five minutes apart...but, Enka, I already miss you already.
I have this thing with cutting a cake and presenting it. I noticed that in the West they'd give you a piece of a cake laying on it's side...I would cut you a piece and plate it standing in the normal positions where all the frosting appears and not smudged...If it'd fall i would set it straight again. I wondered why we are different...Is it an east and west perspective?? I wondered, then I got it...hurray! They slice it thin...we take quarter of a cake each...of course theirs won't stand...it's so thin...it has no butt to rest onto...while we...ohhhh, we have the butts alright.
Speaking of food...no, I had no cake since the birthday party Inso threw me...yet, Quiting the smokes, freezing weather and having long vacations have caused (all excuses i know) despicable seizures of chocolate, marshmallow and...chocolate indulgence...Oh, and speaking of that...I have to greet Dear Inso for the amazing night companionship of six seasons of Scrubs to level my depression a bit.
I did vent out during the weekend, I did at some point decide to spare myself the headache of discussing a subject I really care about - when i care i get hyper tension - when i know it won't lead to anything or with someone that won't get it...yet, I lack self control at times...I got the hyper tension and the headache and l3ant salsafeel elly gabo ahl el discussions elly fe eldonia...what really amazes me is the amount of Jerks who feel arrogant enough to add to their jerkness a pile of crap by being condescending...kaman!!!
My kids hate my new hair color...kids are honest and simple so they simply gave me an honest opinion...they said: Mama, loon sha3rek we7esh awi ( your hair color is ugly ) and they had a confused look on their faces. thing is, a while ago i thought i'd refresh things with spicing up the contrast a bit and giving myself a darker shade of hair...i did, it came out black...it's a shock to say the least...it was dramatic...Adams family kind of dramatic...had to get Mama's saying on the matter, she said: rabena khala2 el blonds and el brunettes and khala2 ma3ahom a character to match...this is not you. yes, mom, it's not...and change can't be that severe...and no one can change who they really are... not even for the sake of more spice or more drama. and now I'm talking about life...not the hair.
I have a friend in Gaza. It's a group i joined because i do have a friend in Gaza...My friend in Gaza doesn't hate Egyptians, doesn't exaggerate, doesn't mislead others although he is the one suffering the long cold dark nights and taking all the fighter jets and its missiles. He knows we have a foolish crappy government, but he also knows that people of countries are helpless in so many ways....Now, people around the Arab world and within Egypt...people who are enjoying the comfort of their warm luxurious homes...watching hayfa on their LCD and driving around safe streets in their fancy cars are judging Egyptians, hating Egyptians and cursing Egyptians. I believe my point is obvious, I will not explain no more.
I have a brat for a boss and although the motherhood flooding in me can take his childish annoying behaviour...but not that childish nor that annoying behaviour. so, I smell a fight in the air...when he decides to come by the office sometime for a change and handle some work of course!!!!

About friends and love and when it's too late

Fri, 19 Dec 2008 02:00:00 GMT

This might be the first time in two years I actually do remember - on my own - something in details about my late marriage. As defence I guess I haven't been able to have detailed memories of the man I spent eight years of my life with...Maybe it was part of the healing or...well, won't go through reasons now. All I know is that i had to be asked or stirred by someone to remember stuff about him...not my life and how it hurt loosing parts of myself everyday, only him...his detailed features, his scent, his voice and what he meant to me.

Only tonight...a while ago and while watching a movie called Made of honor have i thought about my past marriage.

See, The movie is about how best friends turned out to be just right for each other and about how it is never too late to try gain your right to have the right person for you against all odds.

Thinking about it i found myself relating...My ex-Husband was a childhood friend...I loved him as a friend all my life, he was a little older than me so when i was about four he was about eight and understood that i belong to him even among the family...never thought we would end up together except when he first proposed and that was when i was 25, he knew how to get to me...after all we were friends and he knew about my keys especially that being me...I've always been the open book.

I felt loved, i was attracted strongly and my mind on the other hand told me - due to certain circumstances - that he is safe to be the one...there would be no surprises...he promised love and security in life and paradise after life...religion, which i was desperate to attain was his profession then and him being the European educated cultured man who spent most of his life abroad made me certain he won't be a bigot...he was perfect having it all....I agreed and was in a rush about it...no one around me opposed except for dad but his reason was only about money and money never meant a thing to me...especially back then...my dad was a man of democracy and he let me do what i want.

On the night of signing the marriage contract and telling the vows, to my surprise...I felt like chocking and couldn't stop crying...I felt driven...I couldn't stop even when i felt something was wrong...everyone was there and I had to let things complete...I kept crying and couldn't stop my self...my dad looked at me and his eyes watered himself yet he said no word...mom the same...the thought of asking for time to breath and gather what was wrong with me did crossed my mind but I didn't have the guts to say a word...just surrendered to the tantrum and in a couple of minutes it was all over.

the very next day things happened and I asked him to call the whole thing off...he worked his way around it and we kept going...a push and i kept going...then adapted to a new status...

A year after, we were ready to act upon that contract we signed, moved to a home and started a family...on that night and while heading for a hotel to spend two nights of honeymooning...I had the tantrum again and couldn't stop the sob...the limo driver was really uncomfortable but had to shut up as my ex didn't say a word to me nor did any gesture there was something wrong...days went by and a year later I had more reasons than I would like to remember to make me positive that i did the mistake of my life marrying him...Had already had my first kid and I had to give the kid and the picture perfect a try...and more tries along the years...when i was chronically Ill and drained out of my life...I collected what remained of me - and that wasn't much - and gathered my two kids around me and firmly ended it.

Moral of the story, not that best friends don't do great partners because they do...Actually i believe that the perfect lover has to be a very good friend...the moral of the story is, It is never too late to acknowledge an instinct pounding a message in your head saying you want out...that although your spouse must be your friend, your friend can't be your spouse without feeling he's Mr. Right...not that even that couldn't go wrong...after all, no one can predict what lies on the other side of the Nile...

Ironically, long time after that I realized what true love feels like, how Mr. Right fills the world with passion and how harmony and compatibility could sweep a woman off her feet yet she'd be so awakened to every glimpse of fact about him and how does it feel to have him feel the same thing exactly about that woman while sharing the same rhythm and the same taste.

yet, It wasn't in the cards to last...This time I followed an instinct alright...the instinct of doing the right thing and never saying it was too late to mend...It's never to late to do what feels right...even if it means living all my life longing for that continuous echo in my heart to be brought back to life.

Life, a Jukebox...and no one can pick the song.

Never again!

Tue, 04 Nov 2008 10:55:42 GMT

Listening to Kelly screaming: Never again...so powerfully, passionately and sharply yet filled with love...sore love, echoed in me a deeper meaning of the whole pain/ longing issue.

We either live "love" in a moment, day or year...some people live it forever.

Or take just a little sip of it...know what it tastes like to be walking on clouds and having a dancing heart...then it's all gone...

Right there and then, we either wait for a long lost love to return back to the warmth of our hearts...desperately, Or try to fill the void with half emotions...half hearts and a doped mind.

Some people are blessed...they get to have another chance, another sip...maybe indulge and recharge the power of the heart and passion for life through a new love.

And some people wait their whole lives for a certain image in their minds that they believe would deliver best the love they need...those, may spend their whole lives deprived.

The most painful thing is waiting...waiting for a heart that don't need you any more...that doesn't beat for you any more....waiting for someone mercy...humiliating i think.

The power in Kelly's voice and words are the let out of love...the anger is because of love burning inside...the pain is her fuel...it is not about negativity and the junk that people fill our heads with when they say that love is about this and that...and dictate what we do about it... as if hearts could be run by manuals and a guy in a yellow rain coat guiding us towards what's "best"...what's more reasonable...to others of course

It is right when it expresses each unique way...

and i relate to the song...not that i have a similar story...not really, but i can understand that screaming...the anger that wraps love...the strength that covers pain...

Hearing myself giving so much of my own towards love and feelings sounds corny at times.

but, I believe that life...this silly game...at the end of it...comes down to a man and a woman.

In different prespectives...maybe...but, it is all about that.

And all we truly need, to feel content and peaceful is some love and tenderness.

Even if at a moment it seems like: Never again!

and i became...A VIRTUAL AUNTIE :)

Fri, 13 Jun 2008 10:20:00 GMT

Anything is possible i tell ya...tomorrow morning i knew that my pal, brother and dearest friend Fadi was blessed with a baby girl...7ala elgameela...who surely looks exactly like her beautiful mom :)

Check it here: And love blossomed a new passion.

I can't begin to articulate how happy i am for fadi...how excited that he has gone through that experience...I could just Imagine the zillion Sinatra songs he's gonna Introduce to his baby girl...and all the graphic designing he's gonna make for her...besides the chocolate tab3an and pulling rita's tail.

I wish i was there with them...i wish i could buy 7ala a million pink toy and dress and all the silk ribbons.

I am so grateful that fadi included me in his great news and trusted me to announce it on his blog too...we've shared a lot, that gentleman and I.

He was more than i could ever Imagine in a brother and a true friend in my hardest times and major events in my life...he was the one and only putting up with my nagging at times and my craziness at other.

And I...witnessed the very beginning of his love story...till now when it blossomed their passion...sweet little 7ala, Ohood and Fadi.

CONGRATULATIONS :)

Such greatness...

Sun, 04 May 2008 00:03:00 GMT

Such greatness is rare these days, she Inspired me all my life...when i was a brat in my teens i used to be amazed by how loving, giving and forgiving she was...especially with people who hurt her...I was astonished by the kindness although i called it weakness back then...deep inside i looked up to her and i wished i was that kind.

She was tired, weak and fragile and managed to complete her 3omra with so much effort and exhaustion that i thought she'd stay in bed at least two days afterwards...to my surprise, she didn't rest but several hours and went on to do another 3omra for my late father Allah yer7amo...i wish i could explain what does that mean and how it made me feel...i just can't elaborate on that...all i can say is that she is one amazing woman...May Allah bless her.

I heard - from other people - how she actually SERVED other people in their manasek, she looked for lost children with their parents ( apparently that happens quiet often over there ), she would get water for the sick and elderly and even for people who are neither but asked for help...she would help exhausted women who couldn't complete al6awaf while god only knows she needed someone to help her out as she was sick and on medication...

The over whelming stories of how kind are the people of Almadinah and how it felt to see Al-Ka3ba for the first time...what she saw on mountain 2o7od...I saw through her tears and emotions the greatness and faith she felt.

She gave me some zamzam water and a big hug with lots of do3a2 just like the do3a2 she remembered EVERYONE we know- family, friends, neighbors even my office boy- with.

Mom, 7amdelah she returned safely.

May Allah accept her efforts and do3a2 and 3o2balna jamee3an :)