Finding Neverland: fEeLiNgS

Scattered coins in my purse…

Tue, 15 Apr 2008 13:09:00 GMT

At a point, I doubted its existence, and thought that “destiny” is only a word that people invented, so they can use when a hard situation happens to them, or their loved ones.

For me, it was becoming a word that I don’t want to believe in, and then use it later for numbing a pain that was smashing my heart. I didn’t want vagueness to role my life, and take over my brain. I was so committed of knowing why and when things are happening, and I simply didn’t want to take “destiny” as an answer, and then turn the page and move on to another agony.

From a religious point of view, I turned into a Satan or something even worse. But for me, I simply wanted some answers. And at that time, destiny wasn’t the logical explanation I was looking for.

One day, my co worker came to my office, and started chatting. I wasn’t really interested in her conversation, and she noticed the boredom that took over all my facial expressions. She wanted to grab my attention, and so she pulled my bag from my table trying to tease me, and we heard the coins scattering inside. I knew at the moment that I have forgotten my purse opened, and so the coins found its way to my bag… a better place to breathe.

My co worker, looked and me, and in a funny way, said “whatever, you will collect them back later”..

At night, my mom asked me to tip the house keeper, and so I opened my bag, took my purse, went to the house keeper, and gave her what my mom asked me to.

It was next day’s morning. I had to hurry to work, I was LATE. I quickly got dressed, put my shoes on, grabbed my bag, and hurried down stairs.

I was thrilled when I found a cab going around in circles near my house, as if he knew I was late. I ran to him, and asked him to drive me to work...

Arriving 5 minutes later, it was time to give the driver what he deserves. I opened my bag…and… for a split second I couldn’t even breathe. The purse wasn’t there! DAMN IT! I must have left it at home when I tipped the house keeper.

I didn’t know what to do, because… I HAVE FORGOTTEN MY CELL PHONE TOO! I can’t call my friends or any co worker, and even if I wanted to they might be at a meeting, and I can’t ask strangers for money, but at the end the driver should be paid. I decided to go back home, and put my position on risk, since a very critical meeting should be conducted in 3 minutes, and I had to be there.

BUT!!! I remembered that I heard the scattered coins moving around in my bag when I grabbed it, when I ran down the stairs, when I opened my bag and searched for my purse… I, strangely, have totally forgotten to collect them and put them back in my purse, since they create the most annoying sound when the impact occurs between them.

I decided that I should collect them, and see if I can pay the guy. And for my ultimate surprise, they were the exact amount I had to pay.. And I did…

I finished the meeting… and sat for a minute … just thinking…. Why my colleague pulled my bag? Why I have forgotten to close my purse? Why the coins were scattered?..why .. why… many whys…

Again, I had no answer…

My image was saved, and by what? By worthless scattered coins…

A strange feeling tickled my heart, and brought tears in my eyes…

Now.. just now… I can say that I believed… and that I am a believer….

Because sometimes, answers can’t be afforded...

You just have to believe.

Against them…

Wed, 02 Apr 2008 13:48:00 GMT

They were sitting in the car…

The rain concealed what was hidden inside. It was really hard to tell what was going on behind the closed windows.

They weren’t smiling, or crying, or moaning or anything… They were silently watching the pure drops of water dropping gently on the windows, leaving random and confusing traces, just like the path they were walking through. Looking closer and closer … they were holding each others hands.

Rain! Wasn’t the rain supposed to be little drops of water sent from heaven just to bless purity on this earth? Why.. and million whys will come after… why the echo of the sound of the falling drops sends a shiver to their bodies, and the later split second of silence forces their eyes to close in agony?

They don’t know anymore. The fact says they can’t be together. The whole universe was and is against them. Religion, Nationality, Social classes… They weren’t compatible in the eyes of society, culture, and people by any means … This relationship was supposed to end before it starts, because, and only because they were born and raised within families they haven’t even chosen.

It was better for them to put a tag on what they were and still feeling … and move on.

Were they cowards? By simply not admitting what they were actually feeling out loud? Were they cowards? By simply KNOWING that they met the ONE, but at the end all what they are doing is holding hands and surrendering to what they are told to believe?… The chemistry, the passion, and the similarities that they share were lost in between like a small drop of water falling from the sky on a window, trying to draw an image of romance and passion, but what it could do is leave meaningless traces behind, like footprints of a mother who lost her child.

Looking closer and closer… She is holding her purse now… and looking at him, with million unspoken words in her eyes… She then managed to get closer to him, and give him a small kiss on his cheek… and then finally, but yet hardly, said “Congratulations sweetheart, I am sure that she will make you happy!”…

My wildest dream…

Mon, 25 Feb 2008 17:58:00 GMT

OK, so I have passed by the caller’s blog and checked this post.

I dunno but it tickled a dream that I have always had since I was a little girl, and thought about sharing it with everybody else…

So, MY WILDEST DREAM IS…

I want to be an Academy Award-winning (Oscar) screenwriter :D

It can’t get any wilder than that!!!... :D

PS. LAUGHES …GIGGLES … SMILES… AND ANYTHING RELATED TO “TEETH SHOWING” METHODS ISNT ALLOWED AFTER READING THIS POST!!! J

Belonging …

Mon, 25 Feb 2008 12:02:00 GMT

I have always wondered where is love… why it couldn’t find me… why when it found me it decided to flip away in a glance … why when it flipped away I decided that I want to try again… why when I decided to try again, Love couldn’t find me…

This issue keeps me wondering all day long, specially that I have everything anyone could ever want or need. I have a great family and great friends. I am also educated, I have a new good job which I am starting to enjoy from the bottom of my heart, I can afford doing whatever I like, and I am always willing to go through new life experiences, and last but not least, I know that I am survivor. Although I have my break downs but they aren’t many. They are just phases which I go through in order to maintain the balance and then I stand up and move on.

After thinking deeply about it, I discovered that it isn’t that I need love as a feeling. It is the sense of belonging. The sense of “being someone to someone”. The Sense of “being seen”.

When I reached to that point, I felt that I have been so unfair to the things that I have, and knew that I underestimated the impact of having my loved ones in my life.

I belong to them. And they belong to me, and this is what love really is, because at the end, Love isn’t all the complicated emotions that you have when you see someone whom you are attracted to. Because with time, these emotions will start fading and will be replaced with other types of emotions…comfort, relive, getting used to …..

Love is knowing that you are in deep shit but don’t simply give a damn wooden cent for it because the sense of belonging will lead you to a shoulder which you can lay your head on and simply know that everything is alright. So, it doesn’t need a special person to make you feel this way. It doesn’t need the presence of someone who chases you in your dreams.

This sense of belonging can be found everywhere. It is in the shining look of an orphan when someone cares, it is in a work that you like, it is in great friends that stick by your side, it is in the eyes of your parents, and it is in the family that you create. It is everywhere ….

So… for me it so unfair to search for love from one perspective only… Yes, I know many will say that we want to build new families, we want more than that… to those who say that, your belonging is imprinted in the picture of home, of kids, of a partner… but it will never be the only source of love that surrounds you… So build that base which will help you stand with your head raised high… and then, it’s never so bad to dream for more…

So, After all, searching for love is so peculiar… so strange … since you can find it everywhere around you… in many shapes and many forms… and these "loves" will always be a blessing you'll never know, unless you open your heart and soul for "them"...

I want to be back….........

Mon, 18 Feb 2008 11:34:00 GMT

……. And enshallah I will J

I know that you are feeling the same way I do… Happy valentine’s sweetie :)

Thu, 14 Feb 2008 12:19:00 GMT

Yeah I have been away… but life is getting really busy… or maybe I was and still trying to convince myself that it actually is…

I don’t know, but I thought that it’s easy to run away and ignore how I am feeling regarding everything around me… and me…

I kept myself busy with work and people… My schedule was going to work in the morning, hanging out with friends in the evening, and then go home exhausted and fall asleep in a minute or two (My family hated me for that!)… this is exactly what was happening in the past five months… it wasn’t my life actually… there was no input whatsoever… I didn’t grow mentally and/or emotionally.. all I have done is work and then laugh over meaningless things! I mean, what a life is that? I lost the “good balance”, which helps any individual in the world to do everything, and grow… I have forgotten all my good friends, and kept hanging out only with friends who made me laugh my heart out… I was so numb…

The problem is that, I didn’t know that I am feeling the way I am… till today…

Unfortunately Valentine’s Day brings hurtful memories that I want to get away from… I really tried to ignore the fact which says that “today is valentine”… I promised myself that I will block the complicated emotions that I have… and I kept telling myself that my gift will be watching the humorous movie which my friend told me about…

I kept blocking all the tears inside, and didn’t allow myself to feel the pain… till this moment… and now, all I am trying to do is not to let a human being see the huge rounded circles that are surrounding my eyes… and my Santa nose…

I received a message from a friend…a friend whom I don’t see daily or laugh with all the time… but she knew where I was standing… because she’s a friend….

The message was “I know that you are feeling the same way I do… Happy valentine’s sweetie:) “

I Can't Write !!!

Sun, 21 Oct 2007 12:15:00 GMT

I have been experiencing some difficulties when I start writing my thoughts down…

I remember how easy it was for me to write a year ago, it was something like waking up in the morning or having a cup of coffee… but now writing for me is just like trying to learn a new language or go to a place you have never been before…

I keep wondering all day long, where is that fire that used to motivate me?

I used to write a lot, and now I can't pass a sentence…

I really don’t know why, but maybe because I –as a human being- changed dramatically in the past year, I won't say that I have been through a lot and all that garbage. All I know is that the consequences of some of my decisions changed many many many things in me, in ways I could've never imagined or even wanted. My thoughts and my way of seeing and analyzing the issues around me have also changed. I am a "brand new" me… And it's just so hard for me to put the new person in me down on papers. I just can't and don’t want to admit that I feel less in love with everything around me, nature, family, friends, work and anything I have interest in… I am not depressed or sad or anything… I'm just facing the reality which says that Neverland will never be the same Neverland whom has left the blogosphere a year ago… no matter how hard I try…

But all I can say is that, I do hope from the bottom of my heart that I am not loosing the passion and the ability of writing … I hope that it isn't also gone with the other things that I let go…

Medication might cure a wound… but the scar will always remain to remind you of it….

Wed, 03 Oct 2007 10:46:00 GMT

Best healer it was called… for reasons I really have no clue about…

People tend to think that with time you will be able to wake up every morning, head to work or school and share a laugh or two… People tend to think that with time your heart might beat again… and it might… but…. There is nothing called healing if we want to be precise…

Does time have a specific formula which fabricates what was broken or raises a phoenix from the ashes, or washes away the disappointments and the unfaithfulness???…

Does time turn a lie into truth? Or change betrayals into honesty?...

Then… how come it is a healer???

There is nothing called healing… time only freezes the volcano concealed inside that shouts for salivation…

Time only numbs a feeling… but never take it away…

You think you have found your way and moved on… but… you are just ignoring the holes you left behind and you are just not looking back…

You think you mastered your annihilation techniques… but there is always this one moment that can take you back to that specific point of time where you lived all you fears and force you to relive them over and over again…

You think that you are ok… but the thing is… your soul was changed in the process… you aren’t the same human being that you used to be in that different time and place… So… yes you are ok… but you aren’t "you" anymore…

There will always be something that will hunt you down… whether you cared about it or ignored it or even pretended that you are way to far from being hunted by unforgettable past… deep inside, it will still know how to get you…

The Day I Found Love…

Thu, 31 May 2007 13:14:00 GMT

On one of those disheartening days… when I was suffering from the lack of faith regarding certain facts in my life… when I stopped believing in adoration, and treated it as if it is poisoned built-in idea that should be disregarded …When I thought that all I can sense here, in the cancer center which I work for, and will always will is abhorrence and death…

When I was certain about all that…

I found love… standing with its head raised high, as if it was waiting for me, to declare, that in spite all the soreness and pain I see or feel or touch or face, it will always be there, and will always rise above all that… and will exist no matter how hard it was forced to be drawn away…

I found it there… impersonated in the form of a man and woman… in the middle of their thirties…She laid her exhausted head on his shoulder, with her eyes closed and his hand hugging hers… and that was it…

In that despicable place ,It is really awkward to have a direct eye contact with someone who's not wearing a badge, since that someone will be then either a patient or his/her loved ones, and the feelings that their eyes will transfer to you can be painful and unbearable, as you will be given an uncategorized mixture of feelings which will be squeezed all together in one pot with vague boundaries that, unquestionably, will crack your soul; as it is so hard for you to control your boomed emotions that accompany such a one-second acquaintance.

Each eye you look at, can easily hand over fear, agony, weakness, anger, frustration, desperate hope, and hatred…all together… It can donate all that and more…

But, the calmness that folded that area, in that moment in time, gave me the needed confidence to look straight to his eyes…

All I have seen was love… no worries… no pain… no fear… just love…

In that split second, his eyes spoken to mine, saying that "I am going nowhere…I am here…through the good times…and through the bad times…I am here…not because I HAVE to…but because I WANT to"…

Love was there…I found it there…or maybe it found me...just to prove that I was wrong, and for the first time in my life, I am so happy that I am!!!

I forgive you…

Sat, 05 May 2007 18:42:00 GMT

While our wedding date which we have chosen together, and then was obliterated, is approaching, many undetermined and uncategorized feelings are rushing in my mind…

I don't know what I am feeling right now, as the pain that you think you have caused could actually be handled, in relations to the destruction which you have made to our relationship, and to the thing that you once called love…And so, I don't have a broken heart, or a shattered soul...

No… I am not weeping around or even staring on the space regretting every single moment that I have spent with you…I am not… even though it was such an unhealthy relationship… even though your weakness was so unbearable…even though you were gifted with the ability to ruine every laughter…every dream…every joy…

Perhaps it is sort of depressing to distinguish all that, and to realize that what I thought we once had was only a groundless romanticism… A meaninglessness bond… Senselessness emotions…

Putting all that in uncomplicated words, and by labeling each subject matter with its name directly, what we had was a complete lie… but on the contrary,and maybe for unreasonable reason, I am not repentant…

As underneath my scratched feelings I knew that I have learnt my lessons…and I knew that my spirit will be raised again from the ashes…and for the first time in my whole life, I recognized what I DESIRE…What I WANT to be…and what I NEED to be doing…

While our wedding date is approaching, the detestation that folded my heart is fading away…Because for the logical reason that demands my whole inner system to expel your presence from my memory…

I have chosen to lash you out from my life for eternity… and so I don't want any distraction or any interruption…as my whole goal is to lead my own ship and leave you behind, while I am not attached to you in any way, even by hatred…

I have mixed of feelings, but sure pain isn't one of them…Because I DO KNOW that there is no scar in my heart or any wound left…and if I was sent back in time, I won’t hesitate letting you in, because I know, and know for sure that I will let you out while I am growing…growing to be stronger, tougher and more determinant…

As for our wedding date…It WAS a celebration of the birth of our joint lives and our fresh new start… and now it IS a celebration of my recuperation of my true self … a celebration of my salvation…and a celebration of my intensification …

And so, for such a celebration, which was the end result of all the things which you have and haven't said and done, I feel obligated to pay you back all your favors and let you go, totally forgiven…

I...

Sat, 24 Feb 2007 09:42:00 GMT

I loathe you…

Not because you turned out to be a manipulator, but because you have opened my eyes on the fact which says that I am so naive…

I despise you…

Not because of your broken promises, but because you made me realize that sometimes I can't take a man's word for granted…

I abominate you…

Not because of the lies that were told, but because of destroying my ability to trust people once again with your bare hands…

I detest you…

Not because you turned out to be an evil spirit, but because you have clarified to me that people can easily hide their true-self underneath their innocent faces and faked smiles…

And I hate you…

Not because you really deserve that, but because you taught me how to…