Finding Neverland: PeSsImIsTiC ThOuGhTs

Against them…

Wed, 02 Apr 2008 13:48:00 GMT

They were sitting in the car…

The rain concealed what was hidden inside. It was really hard to tell what was going on behind the closed windows.

They weren’t smiling, or crying, or moaning or anything… They were silently watching the pure drops of water dropping gently on the windows, leaving random and confusing traces, just like the path they were walking through. Looking closer and closer … they were holding each others hands.

Rain! Wasn’t the rain supposed to be little drops of water sent from heaven just to bless purity on this earth? Why.. and million whys will come after… why the echo of the sound of the falling drops sends a shiver to their bodies, and the later split second of silence forces their eyes to close in agony?

They don’t know anymore. The fact says they can’t be together. The whole universe was and is against them. Religion, Nationality, Social classes… They weren’t compatible in the eyes of society, culture, and people by any means … This relationship was supposed to end before it starts, because, and only because they were born and raised within families they haven’t even chosen.

It was better for them to put a tag on what they were and still feeling … and move on.

Were they cowards? By simply not admitting what they were actually feeling out loud? Were they cowards? By simply KNOWING that they met the ONE, but at the end all what they are doing is holding hands and surrendering to what they are told to believe?… The chemistry, the passion, and the similarities that they share were lost in between like a small drop of water falling from the sky on a window, trying to draw an image of romance and passion, but what it could do is leave meaningless traces behind, like footprints of a mother who lost her child.

Looking closer and closer… She is holding her purse now… and looking at him, with million unspoken words in her eyes… She then managed to get closer to him, and give him a small kiss on his cheek… and then finally, but yet hardly, said “Congratulations sweetheart, I am sure that she will make you happy!”…

I know that you are feeling the same way I do… Happy valentine’s sweetie :)

Thu, 14 Feb 2008 12:19:00 GMT

Yeah I have been away… but life is getting really busy… or maybe I was and still trying to convince myself that it actually is…

I don’t know, but I thought that it’s easy to run away and ignore how I am feeling regarding everything around me… and me…

I kept myself busy with work and people… My schedule was going to work in the morning, hanging out with friends in the evening, and then go home exhausted and fall asleep in a minute or two (My family hated me for that!)… this is exactly what was happening in the past five months… it wasn’t my life actually… there was no input whatsoever… I didn’t grow mentally and/or emotionally.. all I have done is work and then laugh over meaningless things! I mean, what a life is that? I lost the “good balance”, which helps any individual in the world to do everything, and grow… I have forgotten all my good friends, and kept hanging out only with friends who made me laugh my heart out… I was so numb…

The problem is that, I didn’t know that I am feeling the way I am… till today…

Unfortunately Valentine’s Day brings hurtful memories that I want to get away from… I really tried to ignore the fact which says that “today is valentine”… I promised myself that I will block the complicated emotions that I have… and I kept telling myself that my gift will be watching the humorous movie which my friend told me about…

I kept blocking all the tears inside, and didn’t allow myself to feel the pain… till this moment… and now, all I am trying to do is not to let a human being see the huge rounded circles that are surrounding my eyes… and my Santa nose…

I received a message from a friend…a friend whom I don’t see daily or laugh with all the time… but she knew where I was standing… because she’s a friend….

The message was “I know that you are feeling the same way I do… Happy valentine’s sweetie:) “

Medication might cure a wound… but the scar will always remain to remind you of it….

Wed, 03 Oct 2007 10:46:00 GMT

Best healer it was called… for reasons I really have no clue about…

People tend to think that with time you will be able to wake up every morning, head to work or school and share a laugh or two… People tend to think that with time your heart might beat again… and it might… but…. There is nothing called healing if we want to be precise…

Does time have a specific formula which fabricates what was broken or raises a phoenix from the ashes, or washes away the disappointments and the unfaithfulness???…

Does time turn a lie into truth? Or change betrayals into honesty?...

Then… how come it is a healer???

There is nothing called healing… time only freezes the volcano concealed inside that shouts for salivation…

Time only numbs a feeling… but never take it away…

You think you have found your way and moved on… but… you are just ignoring the holes you left behind and you are just not looking back…

You think you mastered your annihilation techniques… but there is always this one moment that can take you back to that specific point of time where you lived all you fears and force you to relive them over and over again…

You think that you are ok… but the thing is… your soul was changed in the process… you aren’t the same human being that you used to be in that different time and place… So… yes you are ok… but you aren’t "you" anymore…

There will always be something that will hunt you down… whether you cared about it or ignored it or even pretended that you are way to far from being hunted by unforgettable past… deep inside, it will still know how to get you…

Cracked into million pieces…

Tue, 28 Aug 2007 19:52:00 GMT

A river stream imprinting the sides of a hard rock… A powerful roar rupturing the silence of a cold night… A sun rising through the surrounded mischievous black clouds… A merciful breath feeding slaughtered lungs…A relief incoming a crying heart… A smile is being drawn on a miserable face…

Those were what an eye could ever see… in her…

The bravery that shined through her eyes and the strength that was detonated by her actions were nothing but an affirmation to what was distinguished… a survivor, she was…

Nevertheless…

Digging deeper…beyond that cover… into that place… where the unspoken is heard… where the naked truth is tortured by the echo of reprimand… where secrets have no characterization… where every wrap is uncovered…

She knew… She was cracked into million pieces…..

Hunted by a past she wants to erase… The shadow of what went before keeps whispering in her ears all the time… cracking the ground under each step she's tying to take forward…

Although it is simple to forget that specific event, it is never easy to forget the impact of that one decision and the consequences that were resulted … It distorted her life once and for all… in every aspect of her life…And will keep going on the same rhythm…

She will live her life, knowing that it is impossible to turn back the time … to that precise moment, and change the turning point into another… She will live her life, knowing that things would've been different… not in a better way, or worse… But different...

She will keep going on… knowing that she will be hunted till eternity… not because she is the son of the devil … or an angel sent from God above… it's because she has taken a decision… not a destructive decision… or a harmless one… Only a decision…

She will wake up in every morning, knowing that the image which is seen by others is a big lie… and the remained cracks will never be put together… and if that miraculously had happened, the lines that once separated them will still exist… The cracks will never be whole again…

* Again… It is something I felt to write down… not related to me as a person…

Just For The Sake Of…

Tue, 17 Jul 2007 16:40:00 GMT

Standing there… He was…

Staring…

At the planted roses on the cheeks…

At the sunshine rising from the curls…

At the unspoken words of the lips…

Standing there… He was…

Staring at…the closed eyes of hers…

Standing there… He was…

Gazing at that beautiful face of hers…

While a drop of a small tear tried to escape, contemplation found its way within his mystified thoughts and made him wonder… Where is that monstrous yellowness that everyone was lecturing him about??

Strange the trembling that took over his body afterwards!!!… It reminded him of how it stroked him in a sudden years back… when his brain irrationally sent that message which ordered his heart to wake up…In order to show the world that the beats of his dying heart weren't actually on their last legs …and to prove that he wasn't only someone... he was someone in love…

The fog that was blinding his mind and the agony that killed every joy that was inside started to vanquish… If it was for him, he would've overflowed the space with his screams… he wouldn've cried his eyes out… He would've hated the world… He would've been angry on destiny… on fate… and on life…

But for the sake of that love that lightened up his life… For the sake of that love that wouldn't have allowed any kind of hatred or anger to step nearer… For the sake of that love that helped his eyes to overcome the presence of that yellowness that was clearly noticed by everybody else…

For the sake of that love, he decided to venerate her life that sent his to salvation instead of crying her… He decided to celebrate her years by holding her soft hand… by uniting his eyes with her angelic face as long as he can… and… by a little prayer that folded his heart with calmness and peace…

That little prayer… was only for the sake of…

The eyes that once were his…

The fingertips that once went through his face…

The heart that was singing with his…

The meaningless moment that meant the world to him…

And for the sake of…

The love that blessed his past, his present… and will definitely bless his future… and his end…

Footprints

Sun, 24 Jun 2007 14:39:00 GMT

Imprinted footprints are all what is left from everybody who passes the path of life…

This is a fact that can't be denied by anybody, dead or alive, although each footprint has its own characteristics… own depth… own destination… and own story… some footprints are imprinted deeper than others…Some footprints are steadier than others … But at the end, we all in a way or another have left our tracks behind…

For most of us, all what we want is to have bottomless and steady traces… As deep imprinted footprints for everybody means determination… passion… power… strength…success…

As always, we take what we are offered, and searching beyond all what is seen by our bare eyes isn't something that we are good at…

Have you ever thought that the trepidation of facing the unknown or stepping one step forward might be the cause of the paused stand for some of us? Have you ever thought that the bottomless footprints might give you a clue that the people behind are drowning in their spot?

Have you ever thought that the steadiness of some footprint means that the people behind have their eyes covered and simply know no other way to go?

Have you ever thought that the consistent footprints might be a clue of a lost soul that has to live in denial and move towards alternatives rather than dreams?

Some people do what they have to do… They have to show the whole world that they are successful and they doing great after what they have been going through… But, loosing themselves in the process makes all their footprints pointless, and hollow…

Some people don't know what they want to do… They stand still in their position, fearing to be someone or something, fearing to contribute, fearing to fail… So, the pauses which dig their footprints deep in the solid ground aren't the natural results of wisdom, but are for sure a consequence of discrepancy…

Not all rooted footprints have rebel hearts behind, and not all shallow footprints hold a surrendered spirit…

So, for me, I'd rather have shallow footprints and a fulfilled life and soul, rather than having only footprints that talk about an unforgettable glory and a spectacular success…

Not Only A Number

Tue, 17 Apr 2007 14:09:00 GMT

I don’t consider myself a pessimistic person…Really I am not…But, I think this post will prove exact the opposite, as I am going to share some thoughts that hunt me down every now and then and send me to depression's extreme level…

I had a fair thought before writing this down, as I don't want to appear like someone who rarely has a good laugh, or someone who struggles with what life has to offer , Nevertheless, my encouraging inner part which had told me that it is necessary to terminate all such thoughts from my nerve system won over the discouraging part of me…

100 people die from their smoking habit everyday…

89 people died from a train crash yesterday…

70% of the diagnosed people with cancer die…

………………….

And the list can be kept going on…

………………….

When I hear such estimation, dominated thoughts take control over my brain, and keep me wonder…

What are the 100 peoples' names?

How many beloved ones the 89 dead people left behind?

What were the 70% dreams and desires before they were diagnosed with cancer?

Were they good people? Were they bad people? What was their last thought? Did they maintain the light of hope shining,or they just lost it while they were struggling? Have they lost their lives when their souls surrendered and had their last breathe taken, or were they only walking bodies without souls, loosing their lives years before they actually die?

What were their hobbies? What were their saints? Were they bullies? Were they angles?

What Kind of human beings were they? How did they lead their lives? What was their daily activity like? Were they the head of the house, or the neck of the society?

Life can be so unfair…

No matter whom they were and how they acted and interacted with everything around them, No matter how good or bad their decisions they have made, they don’t deserve to be treated ONLY as:

A Number

A News headline

A statistical result of a calculated equation

A primary data

They don't deserve to be treated simply as an unknown… As an anonymity… As an abandoned child… As an ignored pain… As an unwanted insect… As a disregarded conscious…because they simply aren't…

They were a part of this universe…They were a part of the life's system, and their presence and their contribution in all the events they participated in changed the lives of the people whom were touched, and affected by the things they have done, and by their existence…They were known…They were somebody to someone…